Life, Love, Sex

Random Memory

I just had a random memory pop up of when Wendy and I barged in on Jefferson one night after we came back from a DC road trip.

We managed to kick him out of his bed for the night.

Left his kitchen a disaster area after a bacon and pancake breakfast.

And probably overstayed our welcome.

Yeah, I had to laugh thinking about that.

Heartache

Tomorrow I head to camp, and I couldn’t be more excited.  My cabin is going to rock- we’re the Panny FuxXx cabin- a whole bunch of young, pansexual, queer folk (so much so that I already feel so “straight” just in anticipation of cabining with them!).  Way awesome.  I only hope the weather holds out in our favor.  There’s a chance of rain each day, but only a 30% chance each day, so that’s not too bad.

I do get sad thinking about last year.  And not just last year camp (but yeah, sad thinking about last year camp), but last year fall/winter really.  (The time between Floating World and Winter Fire for all intents and purposes.)  I was so unbelievably happy last year- a happiness I didn’t even think was possible for me.  And of course that I’m doubtful I can achieve again.

I just had such amazing experiences, met so many new people, and made so many “great” “friends.”  But my trust has been so shattered, I don’t even want to dip my toe into making new friends.

I call this time of my life right now “Post-Winter Fire.”  After Viviane lashed out at me in a jealous temper tantrum, things haven’ t been the same.  And things have been 1,000 times worse since I spoke out against the FOJ campaign.  Well, it would make sense that the FOJ wouldn’t like me anymore.  Fair enough.  I don’t think Viviane ever liked me, and since she stabbed me in the back, there’s really no loss there.  (She really is just a wretched human being, honestly.)  Tilda and I were once friends, for like an hour.  But she chose to remove me from her blogroll and ignore me at Floating World.  Whatever.  No real sweat off my back.  Lolita and I “were never friends.”  Not thatI actually thought we were…

I haven’t decided yet if it’s worse just being ignored or being told flat out someone wants nothing to do with me anymore.  Because the silence says the same thing, just in a passive aggressive away.  (I’m going to go with being ignored.  Because getting the “courtesy” note often says way too much and includs 100 extraneous (and hurtful) reasons why they’re dumping you (have I written this sentance before because I’m getting serious deja vu).)

This isn’t something I ever really wanted to talk about because I’m human, and don’t always like to admit that I’m a human with feelings and such, but it’s been unbelievably hurtful and heartbreaking watching people that I liked, respected, admired, and cared about leave my life in such unfriendly and saddening ways.

I don’t particuarly like people, in a general sense, and over the years I’ve really tried to avoid letting people into my life and making new friends.   But last year I threw caution to the wind and completely opened my heart up and got completely burned and hurt in the end.  (Just like I always expect to happen.)

I still have a few good friends left, and God am I ever so thankful for them.  Desire especially is a Godsend.  I don’t know what I’d do without her (well, her and my therapist).

Camp was awesome last year.  I refuse to let any bad feelings I may have now tarnish those memories.  And I really do miss that life.  I miss Jefferson.  I miss my friends.  I miss my social life.  I miss being happy.

I anticipate this year’s camp also being awesome.  Just different.  I’m not exactly going into it with an open heart.

I don’t know that it really is better to have loved and lost.  I really don’t want to be hurt anymore (especially so soon after this round).

I don’t have much time for a social life these days anyways, so maybe it’s for the better.  I have a heavy course load, I’m focued on graduating, putting together a portfolio, and soon job huting.  That all there is going to take up a lot of my time and energy for the next 6 months.

And maybe that’s a good amount of time until I’m ready to start letting new people into my life.  Hopefully next time it won’t end in heartache.

Off to the magic land

Rope- check.

Dildos-check.

Corsets- check.

I’m off to Winter Fire.  Heading down tonight to get some quality time with Desire!

I’ll probably be offline after tomorrow.

Have a good easter!

Plea to My Friends!!

I really, really need someone’s help this weekend or sometime next week to help me schlep a couch for my latest art project.

Please, please is there anyone willing and able to help me?

I want to start searching for free furniture, but I can’t unless I know I have some help moving it.  And I really kind of need to get this done before Winter Fire because I’ll have very little time once I get back to finish the project.

I’ll buy you lunch if you can help me!!

E-mail me if you can help.

Thanks so much!

Parade!

So, I’m like 95% sure I’m going to go to the Giants’ Parade tomorrow- I want to take pictures for my photo class (which, I think I have to actually miss in order to take the pictures- oh well!).

Does anyone know where a good spot would be to stake out?  And how many hours ahead of time?  It starts down in battery park- if I find a spot around 10 somewhere up a ways, is that good?

And hey- is anyone else thinking of going and want to meet up?  Or are you all being fuddy-duddies and going to work?

Merry Christmas

Tragedy Strikes Again

I’ve lost another cat to tragedy. Remember Sophie?

Well, my mom just called me right now to tell me our baby, Quilla, died today. Somehow last night when my mom came home from parent-teacher conferences, Quilla got caught underneath the garage door as it was going down. The next morning my parents found her and rushed her to the animal hospital, and she wasn’t dead, but she was so severly injured, they decided to put her down. She was only like9 or so. We still had so much time with her.

And it’s getting to be the time of the year that we got her. We got her in December, around Christmas, as she was my mom’s Christmas present. She was a purebred Maine coon, which we adore in our family. My parents, me, and a friend of mine went out to Bethlehem PA to pick our kitten from the litter. I forget why we chose her, but I’m so glad we did! I wrapped her up in my mom’s winter hat and held her during the ride back home.

Maine coons are known for being rather large, but Quilla was so tiny and petite, only about 6 pounds soaking wet. She was such a love bug though. So cuddly and sweet. She’d always sleep right next to me whenever I would go home. She even tried to get in on some post-coital affection when Match came to visit me recently.

Here’s a horrible camera phone picture of her, but it’s all I have of her digitally. I’ll have to scan some print ones I have.

I’m going to miss her so much. 

It’s Been Awhile Since I Posted One of These…

… Like He’s Been Begging Me to

Thugette: So, what you gonna do about him, then?
Thug: I swear to God, he even tries it again, I will pee on his face.
Thugette: You what?
Thug: No, seriously, I will. I will pee. On. His. Face.

–25th & 3rd

Overheard by: Katie

via Overheard in New York, Oct 20, 2007

It Didn’t Air

They didn’t air the segment tonight. 

I’m sad.

I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything.

Free at Last!!

I quit my job!!

And it feels sooooo good!