First off, in response to how I’m titling this- what a fucking asshole.

I’m debating whether or not to tell the whole story behind that- I don’t want to be dramatic. But let’s just say there are some real insensitive fucks out there.

Before I go off on a rant about how awful the past 4 days have been, I’m going to start with the positives.

I got to go down to DC Thursday night and spend the night with Desire.

My (relatively) new friend Tilda helped me out in a jam and let me stay in her room when I lost mine (though I felt bad she didn’t get the space I knew she wanted). And Match helped calm me down and see my options.

Jocasta tied me up and Zelda flogged me.

Desire and I had an awesome candy scene in the dungeon.

Match had a kick ass orgy in his room.

And I went to some cool classes.

So even though I’m going to trash the weekend and label it essentially a failure, I’m not discounting the good stuff at all.

First rant: apparently pink eye is the new plague.

I realize it’s generally considered pretty contagious- and it’s kind of ewy and gooey, but Christ- it’s just pink eye. You take some eye drops and it’s gone in 3 or 4 days. And gee, if you don’t touch your eye and make sure you wash your hands constantly it’s fairly unlikely you’ll spread it to other people.

Ok, so the story goes I was supposed to room with this woman I didn’t know, but somehow (and I know how) she heard (as did half the fucking attendees) I woke up with pink eye and had someone (she couldn’t have this discussion with me for some reason) call me and tell me she didn’t want to room with me anymore because I had pink eye.

I wasn’t aware we’d be sharing eye liner (we certainly weren’t going to be sharing spit). I thought we’d just be sharing a room (where’d I’d have my own bed).

(And mind you I actually only ended up forcing myself to DC because I thought I had a commitment to my roommate to share the room. Silly me being considerate.)

Of course I heard this at 2pm on Friday afternoon just as I was parking my car and heading over to register. So I freaked. They were offering me the room (she would go somewhere else) but I didn’t know how I’d be able to find someone to split the cost of the room with me on such short notice and I didn’t think I could really afford it on my own.

So I went to registration and just after I walked in, Match followed, and thank God. I ran over to hug him and as he was asking how I was I burst into tears about my room (mind you I had already spent Thursday morning crying over the nasty exchange I’d had, which I will get to a some point). He helped calm me down a bit and then after we checked in, we went to his room and he helped me see my options and make a decision.

I realized that I could afford 2 nights at the hotel on my own, it was only an extra $60 or so. Once I came to that conclusion I called the people back to let them know I would take the room on my own. It went to voice mail though. But no biggie. I just told them to call me when they arrived so we could put the room on my credit card.

So while I was waiting for them, I went to Rita Seagrave’s Domination for Non-alphas. Let me just plug that for a moment- very fun class. And if you’re not familiar with Rita, let me just gush about how freaking hot she is. I already have a thing for red headed girls. But the whole class I couldn’t stop staring at her ass, lol. And when she’d sit on the table her skirt would ride up a little bit and the tops of her stocking would show. *Groan* Plus I just really like her presence. She’d come near by to hear someone’s question and it was just a nice vibe having her in the vicinity. So yeah.

Ok then, back to the rant. At the tail end of class, the people called me, but I let it go to voice mail since there were only 5 more minutes left.

When I heard the message in a few minutes I learned that they had given my room away because they thought I hadn’t gotten back to them. I dropped the phone and started crying again. Because here I was in DC without a room.

Jocasta took over for me and found Tilda and asked if I could room with her since she was by herself and thankfully she said yes.

Meanwhile I listened to the end of the message.

What a fucking fuck tard. I don’t even know who the person was, but what a serious asshole. Apparently having a place to stay just “wasn’t in the cards” and that being contagious wasn’t fair to everyone else.

All this just after telling me I no longer had a place to stay.

Man they were fucking lucky I’m actually a very non-confrontational person. As much as I bitch and moan here, the meanest thing I’ll do to someone in person is just give them the evil eye. And you best believe I gave that woman the evil eye every time I saw her.

After that whole ordeal I headed straight to the bar and sucked down 2 gin and tonics. I don’t usually turning to substances to relieve problems, but it was really the only way to save the night. Alcohol makes me happy. I mean that it makes me giggly and silly, so yeah, it helped. It was also fun sitting with Lynsey and Tilda and make up a funny story about this sullen looking family sitting in the lobby.

We surmised the daughter found the father’s porn (gay porn actually) and the mother just found out.

Thankfully the rest of Friday went well. A good time was had by all in the dungeon and it was a fairly early night, heading to bed at 1.

Saturday was good during the day.  Went to some classes which I think I’ll talk about briefly.  I enjoyed another one of Sarah Sloane’s classes.  I went to a class on humiliation at summer camp and this time I went to her Driven to Tears: Playing on the Edge class.  It was a lot to do with like cathartic play or ordeal path.  Damn if I didn’t start jonesing for a cathartic play scene.  Still am.  And I will probably ask for one soon, but I think first I need to do some processing on my own.

After that I went to Barbara Carellas’s Erotic Breathwork class which I had really been looking forward to because I had wanted to go when she did it a CV in the fall, but I ended up being late and couldn’t go because of certain things going wrong.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a good weekend for me- I was just too blocked.  So it didn’t have an effect on me, but I’ll file away what I learned and hopefully can put it to use in the future.

After we had a nice lunch with Me, Jocasta, Desire, and Prince (a super great guy I met at camp) and a fun sitz bath social too back at my room (long story I’ll tell if I’m told it’s ok).   I also got to buzz Desire’s hair into a mohawk- which looks super cute and she decided it’s subtle enough she can probably get away with it at work so she’ll keep it!

I missed the petting zoo because I went to the last class of the day, Dossie Easton’s Bottomless Pits: Topping serious pain sluts.  What a great class.  I’d never heard Dossie speak before, but wow, what a great presenter.  I’m definitely going to make a point to attend more of her classes in the future.  Poor Jocasta was exhausted and fell asleep a bit (even snoring a little, lol).

I started jonesing again this time for a heavy intense scene.  I consider myself somewhat of a bottomless pit (though some days there is a bottom), but I’ve never really had the opportunity to really test my endurance.  Dossie mentioned a relay scene (meaning there were a few tops there) that lasted for over 7 hours!  7 hours of being beat up.  That’s for sure the forever place she mentions.  Someday I’ll have to plan a huge block of time where I can try going there (maybe not 7 hours, but a couple hours at least).

Then demoed on Barbara caning her and spanking her.  Turns out I’m not the only one who laughs when they’re getting hit!  It was a really fun scene to watch though.  But man if I didn’t want a serious beating myself.

I was exhausted at that point and retreated to my room to try and nap so I could function better that evening.  I sort of slept- for a few minutes.   But I ended up getting hysterical again.  Exhaustion pushes me over the edge very easily.

Here I’m going to get very raw and very honest- the one thing people constantly praise my blog for.

I was in an intense amount of emotional agony.  The distress from Thursday and Friday just bubbled up and I couldn’t push it aside.  I started crying and as I started to cry harder I told myself that it was ok to cry and that I should just let it out and then I would feel better.  Except I wasn’t really feeing better.  I just kept crying.  And I was getting more and more anxious.  I couldn’t sit still and started to walk around the room, needing to do something with myself.

I wanted to cut.  I wanted to see my blood- I knew that would help calm and sedate me.  But I didn’t have any razors and I’m very particular about how I cut.  Plus, I mean, I didn’t really want to resort to that in the middle of Winter Fire.

So I grabbed for the next best thing- my left over Percocets.  I broke it in half (after a classmate mentioned this) so it would hit me faster.  And I swallowed my tears and let myself be numb.

Being numb isn’t good, but sometimes you need to do it for a little bit to just function.

At this point most people were at the banquet and a bunch of the sex bloggers that didn’t go to the banquet went out for Chinese, but I knew Match wasn’t at either so I texted him to see what he was up to.  He was about to grab a bite with 2 of his female friends and invited me.  Finally calmed down, I dressed and went to be social.

I’d go nuts if I stayed in that room any longer.

We just grabbed a bite at the hotel restaurant, but it was fun.  I like the 2 girls so it’s good.  The one also brought a cute little submissive boy who was actually kinda cool.  One of the coolest 19 year old boys I’ve been around in a long time.

Desire met me in Match’s room after she got out of the banquet and we grabbed our candy to do our scene.

We found a nice open space in the dungeon and I laid down one of those mess pads so we didn’t get candy all in the rug.  We went all out for this.  We’d thought of everything.  We had a candy necklace to bind Desire’s hands.  A big pacifier as a sort of gag.  Big round lollipops to spank with.  A long slender swizzle lollipop to fuck with.  A huge jawbreaker to kinda punch with.  We had a lot of fun and even got pictures taken by Hypnox, the event photographer.  It was definitely awesome pouring pixi stix powder on her and licking it off.

I wasn’t the only one who thought that too.  Prince was near by watching with a new friend of his, Christian- a totally hot FTM guy, and I had invited them to eat some sugar off her, but they did it gangster style sucking it up through a rolled up bill.

And then Christian asked if Desire would mind if he did a line off her back.  She didn’t so after showering off, we met him and Prince back at Christian’s room.  We crowded into the bathroom because roommates were around.  Desire took her shirt off and leaned over as Christian started to pour a line.  He asked me if I wanted.

And I debated whether or not to tell this story, but I am, so here it goes.

Yeah, I did want.  I’d never done it before, but I wanted to try it.  So he cut me a little line and showed me what to do and I did my thing and was kinda surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.  I did one more line a little bit later before we all went up to Match’s orgy and I was happy that I was now more awake.

My thoughts on the drug?  It was good.  It wasn’t so amazing that I feel a need to rush out and start doing it on my own, but I’ll probably do it the next time it’s around (which probably won’t be for another 2 years because that was the last time I was around it).

Match’s orgy was of course awesome.  There were so many people and there was so much fucking and action.  Match and I fooled around a bit when I first got there which was nice.  And I got to kiss a bit with this girl Flouer that was staying with him.  Squee.

The hottest thing though was watching Prince and Christian go at it.  It was so mother fucking hot.  They were all over each other and then Christian got his strap-on and was fucking Prince and it so awesome.  Prince was spewing out Spanish and shit.

I started really fading at 4am though (so early, I know!) and had to get to bed.  Though I lost my key and had to get let back into my room (as I was traipsing through the lobby in my lingerie- whoops).

Sunday morning I was ready to go home.  I just woke up and was ready to go.  But I had 1 more class that I had to attend.  The Jealousy in Poly Relationships class.  But it wasn’t until the last one of the day unfortunately.

First I went to a Kinky Barbershop class which was really fun.  (Anyone willing to let me learn how to use a straight razor on them??  Lol.)

And then it was finally time for the class.  In hindsight, I don’t know why I didn’t bring tissues with me.

I think I’ll write about what happened in the class in a separate post because that’s just a whole ‘nother issue.  But I will say it was really great to be able to share my story with other poly people who can understand what’s happening and not judge my relationship choices.

After the class I packed my stuff up and headed home.

Now I’m exhausted because even though I purposefully skipped my 8:30 class I was still woken up by my roommate at 8am (who by the way is still laying in bed with her boyfriend).  This roommate situation is really getting to me.

So there was my weekend.

It wasn’t the magical time I had at camp- not by a long shot.

But thank God for my friends.  I don’t know what I would have done without you guys.  I love you!

So I’m chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool at Desire’s place while she’s off at work for the moment. (I know, work on Good Friday?? I’m a Jew and I understand the dumbness of that!)

I was up early yesterday and then to bed early and up early again today. I already managed a nice hot shower and some snuggles with the cat. I figure I’ll do my hair at some point and eat my leftovers from last night before heading over to the hotel. It’s nice only being 15 minutes away instead of 4 hours…

Can I talk for a minute about my morning yesterday? It was a rotten, awful morning. First I woke up at 7am because my roommate’s new boyfriend was leaving and I woke up, but I was less cranky about it than usual for some reason. I dunno. That wasn’t the bad part though. The bad part came when I looked in the mirror a little while later and saw my eye was pink. Wait- extra crusties that morning and a hot gooey feeling in my eye? D’oh! Pink eye!

I was annoyed to say the least. Pink eye the day before Winter Fire! Luckily I woke up so early because I was able to hop over to the school health center and get some antibiotic eye drops!

Then shortly after that I got into a nasty tete-a-tete (I wish I knew how to do accents on a Mac- too lazy to find out) with someone that left a nasty taste in my mouth. It was really quite…traumatizing. Let’s just say, it’s the next day (at only 11am) and I really wish I was wasted. Or high. Maybe both.

Because it was the last thing I needed before Winter Fire (as my head has just barely been in the weekend) so the only way to really get on quite quickly was to numb myself to it. It’s the only way I’m able to function (read: leave my bed).

I’m also thinking that maybe there isn’t a Beatles song for everything.

Originally I thought of posting this video (We Can Work it Out), but how I really feel is more along the lines of this:

So seriously- me drunk now please.

I think I’m getting sick again!

My throat is starting to hurt and my nose feels like it’s about to get stuffy.

What the fuck man??!!  I was just sick -twice!!!- in January!!

I do not have the time to get sick right now.

Too.much.school.work.

I am NOT ok with this.

Really- the prospect of being sick really fucking pisses me off.

*Grumble*

My apartment is in a sad, sad state of affairs.

It’s just so bad.  So filthy.  Disgusting.  Deplorable.  Abysmal.  All of those kinds of synonyms.

My room is bad.  I haven’t had it in me to really clean up since like December (I never really entertain, so I don’t need to worry much about that).  But aside from my side of the room, the whole apartment is just gross because of my roommates.

First there’s the bathroom area- covered in their hair and weaves and shit like that.  Ew.

Then there’s the living room/kitchen area downstairs- the floor is covered in food and dirty dishes are piled all over from 2 weeks ago.  I’m surprised we aren’t infested with anything.

They have no concept of buying trash bags- or even using the ones I put out.  It’s nuts.  And it’s just so bad me and my (clean) roommate can’t deal anymore.  But it’s just so dirty we can’t bring ourselves to clean it.  Doesn’t help we don’t have adequate cleaning supplies.  The flimsy dorm vacuum just won’t cut it.  And the kitchen floor is so dirty it’ll need some hands and knees type scrubbing.

What I need is someone to come clean this.  And since I’m not really willing to pay for a professional, I should try finding another submissive guy to do it.  Fuck what my roommates think.  He just won’t be naked.   We’ll see…

I just need my apartment to be clean again.

For the Love. Of. God.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Let’s talk for a moment about the state of my wisdom tooth and the pain I’m in.  I know I need to get my wisdom teeth out.  I’ve known for awhile.  But you see, they never bothered me really.  And now that they started to, I figured I could just hold out until January, once classes were over.

I may not be able to wait.  At least for this one tooth.  My lower right wisdom tooth is the one that chronically bothers me.  It hurt a lot this weekend, and yesterday Wendy did some witchy healing on it which actually helped a bit.  It’s only at a dull ache right now, but I can feel it!  It’s there!

I looked up some information and it’s possible I have a slight infection under the gum which is causing the inflamation and pain.  Maybe all I need is some antibiotics to hold me over until I can have them removed in January.

I need to make sure I call my dentist tomorrow.  I’m bad about making calls to doctors (I’ve been out of contacts for about 7 months now…).  But pain is usually a good enough motivator.  Especially tooth pain.

Also, I have another mini-rant.  I think Mother Nature needs to decide between shorter days and getting cold.  It’s an either-or kind of thing.  Not both.  That isn’t really too much to ask for, is it?  I really don’t see a need for it to be cold and dark at the same time.

Gr.  Argh.  Tooth pain and cold and darkness.

I.am.so.tired.

My roommate had a party last night.  Love my roommate.  She’s pretty cool.  But.  She had this party last night.  Do you want to know what time the party started?  11:30

PM.

Do you know what time it ended?  Like 3.  She had to start kicking people out then.

I started to fall asleep then.  Great, I was gonna get 5 hours of sleep before my class today.

But then, at 3:45 (because I looked at my clock), I wake up to hear her having this discussion/quibble with her friend from home who was visiting.  Not fun.

I.am.so.tired.

I really, really want to go back to sleep.

But I can’t.  Because I’m in class.

Bored.

And tired.

One thing I forgot to mention about Harry that kinda irked me a little: he tried to reason that my cutting myself was because I was born a pain slut.  That from the day I was born I got off on pain, and it thus totally turned me on to cut myself when I was 16- even before I knew what any of this stuff was.

(Catch up to any new readers: I used to cut in high school and am left with various scars on my thighs and arms).

Um, gag!

I already prefer people not ask me about my scars.  And it’s not that I’m ashamed (well, I dunno), but it’s in the past and I don’t feel like rehashing it with every new person that sees them.  And luckily 98% of the people I encounter don’t say anything (if they even notice; some don’t).  Then 1.99% just ask out of concern or curiosity.  Which is…ok, I guess.  They mean no harm.

But then there’s that .01% which Harry falls into.  And, really, he’s the first of this kind.  Not this week, but the last time I saw him in July he sat there and talked to me about my scars and why I cut in high school.  He told me my reasons for doing it.  That alone made me want to punch him and roll my eyes.

Add on though his reasoning being absolutely ludicrous, and I nearly bit the tip of my tongue off keeping quiet!

Seriously- who has the audacity to talk to me like that about my scars?  Huh?

Go ahead Cody- have a fit with me!

That just goes beyond the whole roleplaying thing or whatever.  See- again with the line!  Sheesh!

I don’t know why I haven’t written about this sooner- like during the summer when it first happened!

*Scoff*  Now I’m all huffy just thinking about it.  But I should get to bed- class in the AM.

So, this is a quick rant post- I desperately need to run some errands and do some school work (make art):

Last night Kyle was supposed to come over to my dorm. It would’ve been the 1st time we’ve seen each other since April. Fucking April. Enough said.

Frankly, I’d lost interest in the past 6 months, but I was thinking something would reignite if I saw him again, so I held out hope.

I made a date to see him last night. He was supposed to come over after going to a friend’s kid’s birthday party. I was expecting him around 7.

By 8:30 I wasn’t waiting for him any more. I had texted Noelle and she invited me to go out to Appleby’s with some friends, and I happily accepted. I left a note for Kyle on my door:

“Dear Kyle,

You were late.

I got hungry.

Get a cell phone already!

-Avah (8:30pm)”

He’s one of those people that refuses to have a cell phone.

So, of course I’m pissed. I got fucking stood up! And there was shit I would’ve done yesterday if I wasn’t expecting company at 7pm.

Luckily though, I ended up having a great night drinking and eating with my girly-pals (I even got a little drunk! It was fun! And I didn’t get dizzy! Go me! Lol.)

After Appleby’s, we hung out in Noelle’s apartment for a while, drinking some more (I discovered I don’t really like rum. Vodka is it for me).

I was tired so I headed back to my apartment at like 2. And I turned on my computer, fully expecting to find offline texts from Kyle.

And there was a whole slew of them. Apologies and shit. He didn’t get to my apartment until 10:30! And he stuck around hoping to catch me coming back from dinner. Like I would have wanted to see him then! And he even wondered where I’d went to eat so he could’ve found me.

If I wanted to be found, I would have told you.

Shit.

Now, I’m telling him that really, I don’t feel anything much anymore, since it’s been so long, and he’s like all upset that I didn’t say something sooner and that it was a waste of his time. And for me to be a woman, not a girl.

Well, gee, when you react like that, no wonder I’m nervous about talking about how I feel!

Psh. Huh.

I was giving him another chance though anyways! But he blew it. It’s not my fault. It’s not the 1st fucking time he’s done something annoying.

Fucking boys. If I didn’t crave penis and testosterone, I would totally swear them off.

Damn you all for having something I need!

My internet is out right now. I’m borrowing a signal from a neighbor (I have to be outside to get it though).

My DSL always goes out. But it also always comes back. Now, I checked, and I don’t even have a dial tone. So I don’t know how that happened. A technician will be here Monday sometime between 8am and 7pm. Can you believe that shit? I’m working 10-4 and I’m hoping work men will be around to let the guy in.

Jesus. 8am to 7pm.

Fuck Verizon.

And while I’m bitching, fuck Cingular for not giving me a signal at my house (so I’m cut off from Verizon twice while trying to get my DSL fixed!).

Bah!