There’s no real music video for this song, but it’s the lyrics I want you to pay attention to anyways.

They Weren’t There, by Missy Higgins

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

Maybe I’m just feeling contemplative.

I’ve been thinking a bit about my past- high school and some unfinished business from then.

And my future.  My relationships.  Graduating.

I feel very disconnected from a lot of people these days.  Some friendships have fallen to the wayside, as I generally expect to happen.  It’s a little disheartening.  Gia’s gone.  Wendy’s gone.  Noelle have barely spoken this year.  My roommate and I will be parting ways in just 4 weeks.  I don’t anticipate a relationship beyond that.

(These probably aren’t the best posts to write at 3am.  With Mika’s “Any Other World” playing.  Or perhaps it’s the best situation.)

Unfortunately I didn’t get to it until the tail end of my therapy session this week (which have been going well by the way), but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me.  Or something.

I’ve never been able to keep friendships.  I always just grew apart from people.  I would contact people less and less and neither would they call.  And then I just never felt a need to look back.  Even with my best friends.

My relationship with Jefferson is one of my longest.  A few more months and it’ll bypass my best friend from high school which lasted a little over 2 years I guess.  Except I think I had a friend in grade school for like 3 years.

And even though I’m still attached to Jefferson something’s just changed.  It’s like if he’s not in front of my face he doesn’t exist to me.  I can’t feel it.  I have to constantly remind myself how I feel about him because all I feel is like a distant memory of something.  Like, “Oh yeah, that’s the guy I love so much.  Almost forgot about him.”

I don’t know what that is.

I’ve stopped e-mailing unless I have something really pertinent to say.  Which is fairly infrequent.  Save for scheduling coffee or lunch with him around my therapy I’ve stopped asking for dates.  Partly because I know he’s busy with the moving.

Partly because it just feels so superficial.

But it isn’t, right?

How can I feel such love and happiness when I’m with someone yet feel so disconnected when I’m not?  Wouldn’t that mean that it’s just fake?  And forced?

Can you fall out of love?  I used to think you couldn’t.  That if you stopped loving someone then maybe you never really loved them in the first place.

A part of me still loves Casi.

None of me loves Michael, nor do I believe I ever really did.

But I did fall in love with Jefferson.  A couple times actually.

I don’t understand how it can feel so empty though.  I don’t know what it means.  And if I don’t know what it means does that mean I can’t fix it?  If I can’t fix it will it happen again?

These are the things I think about.  I suppose I worry and obsess too much.  You should’ve seen how upset I would get before I picked a major.  Part of it’s my upbringing I think- a fair amount of time spent in therapy.  My 2 years at boarding school which provoked a lot of internal reflection.  And now I’m back in therapy in order to tackle these things in me.

All I know is I don’t want to be alone.  Maybe I should change it to not wanting to feel alone.  Because there’s not a whole lot worse of a feeling than feeling lonely in a room full of people.  I’ve been there.  It stinks.

Of course at the same time I say I don’t want to be alone, I sit here with these walls heavily guarding me preventing me from any long term, meaningful bonding.

*Sigh*

Quite the predicament I’m in.

I think I must sleep now.

I think a lot of situations in life can be expressed in Beatles songs.

You know I heart Jason, but a lot of those performances were atrocious this week, yes including his. But Syesha just did a phenomenal job with “Yesterday.”

Her version is what I’m really connecting with right now- as I really wish I could go back to yesterday.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

“Don’t Let me Down” is after the cut…
Read the rest of this entry »

Sugarland- Stay

I’ve been sittin’ here stairin’ at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been layin’ here prayin’
Prayin’ she won’t call
It’s just another call from home and you’ll get it and be gone and I’ll be cryin’

Baby why don’t you stay

And I loved you first.

Regina Spektor- Samson

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go
I have to go

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Key moments from 2007 (that were blogged)

I get a girl Crush
I break up with Jefferson, the first time
I get my nose pierced!
My girl crush and I kiss!
The details of the kiss!
Jefferson and I get back together
I get nervous for a first date
But I had nothing to be nervous about!
Jefferson and I see the Scissor Sisters
I get an owie in my vajayjay
I write a letter to my dad
I switch to Wordpress and my own domain
I turn 21
My blog turns 1
I get my birthday caning
Jefferson meets the family
Avah gets printed
I show off my girl bits
I have a (major) break down and break up with Jefferson again
I go on vacation with my family
Harry Potter- Book 7!
I go to the edge with Harry
Controversy stirs with Harry
I make plans for Floating World
I take a short break from the blog
I come back to blogging, orgies, and Jefferson
I go to camp! and more camp!
I find a new love
I get some crushes!
I loose a kitty cat
I get a shiny new iMac!
I fantasize about a classmate
I get busy at school
I publish my photos
I muse over selling my pictures
I remember my friends I made this year
I ring in the new year with new friends

I’m officially experiencing camp drop.

It only took me a week!

I miss everyone so much!  Even with all the IMing and e-mailing I’m doing, it’s just not the same!

And yeah all my New York/Jersey people are all up here that I’ll be seeing, but I miss us all being together!

Like one big happy family.

All weekend long I just kept thinking “This time last week I was…”

(For the record, this time last week I was snuggled in bed with Hunter watching as Marcus was tied to a pole and messed with by Lolita and Mollie).

Aww man, I love you guys so much!!  It sounds so corny, but it’s true!!

I miss camp :*(

Classes had ended the day before so my Tuesday afternoon was free to see Jefferson. Even though I had just spent the day with him that Sunday, I was just aching to be naked with him.

On such a beautiful spring day it was a nice walk to my bus stop.

Jefferson was smiling as he opened the door for me.

“Hey,” I said, kissing him immediately.
“Hey.”
“Oh man, I wanted to do this all day, Sunday.”
“Mmm, me too.”

I started pulling him back to the bedroom.

“Where we going?” he asked, following.
“The bedroom.”
“Oh, ok.”
“I didn’t think you’d have any objections.”
“Nope. I’ll meet you there,” he said stopping in the bathroom.

I stripped out of my clothes and laid down on the bed to wait. My knees were bent in such a way that I didn’t see him walk in and I didn’t hear him until he was right in front of me. I parted my legs to see his smiling face in front of me. He climbed between them, wrapping his arms around my thighs, and took my clit in my mouth.

Now, Kyle may have a fetish for eating pussy, but Jefferson does it exactly the way I love it. Sharp, pointy tongue. No soft, flat tongue, and no dreadful sucking.

I came a few times, and pretty quickly, as Jefferson ate me out, his hands gripping mine tightly as I writhed under him.

He moved up the bed after a few minutes and kissed me, letting me taste myself on his mouth.

I went down on him next, taking his already hard cock deep in my mouth. He moaned softly as my wet lips moved up and down the length of him. I picked my head up when I heard him reach for a condom.

I laid on the bed as Jefferson knelt between my legs, rolling the condom on. He was smiling so brightly as he looked at me.

“Why are you smiling?”
“I’m just happy to see you,” he said kissing me.

Awww.

I moaned as he pushed into me and held me tightly. My hands ran through his shaggy hair as we kissed. It’s hard to not kiss when we fuck. Jefferson will lean back to fuck me hard, but all I have to do is smile up at him and he’s back kissing me. I love it.

My arms were wrapped around him, hugging him tightly as we made love. Our breathing quickened as the pace picked up.

“I love you, so much, ” I breathed heavily in his ear.
“I love you too,” he sighed.

I writhed underneath the weight of Jefferson’s body, my nails digging into his back as I came over and over again.

“I’m gonna cum,” he grunted in my ear.

He squeezed me tight as he came inside me. I kissed his cheek and rubbed his back as he rested a few minutes before pulling out.

Jefferson stirred as I woke him and we made our way into the kitchen to make dinner.

For me to cook dinner, that is.

I was exhausted and in a strange, fuzzy state of mind. I was feeling very submissive, obviously, but somewhat awkward about it. It wasn’t a feeling I was accustomed to anymore and I had to fight engaging in my usual banter with him.

Jefferson got me a pan for the meat and left me to do the rest. It was simple enough, just the pork and baked potatoes. Jefferson sat at his computer as I futzed in the kitchen, looking up occasionally as I made pathetic small talk. Really, I don’t think I was even this shy around him the first day we met.

When the food was ready, I set the table and put out the food for us. I was half asleep as we sat down to eat, my eyelids feeling as if they were weighted with bricks. I haven’t the faintest idea what we talked about. When we’d had our fill, I put the dishes in the sink and we retired to bed.

And then I got chatty.

There’s a point where if I’m tired and I don’t go to bed, I get hyper. But there are different types. Sometimes I get the OTSs- over tired sillies (being chatty falls in that category) or sometimes it’s the OTCs- over tired crankies. That’s never fun. I get the frustration level of about a 2 year old.

It was probably about 2am by the time I shut up and passed out. And after I made Jefferson put on one of those nose strips. Poor thing had a stuffy nose.

But I only passed out for a short while.

I’m really just horrible at sharing a bed with someone. I do it so infrequently (once a month, occasionally twice), so it’s not something I’m used to at all. I can never figure out how to lay, and I feel bad when I toss and turn, worried I’ll wake the person next to me (though, really, I shouldn’t worry about that with Jefferson since he sleeps like the dead…).

And so, for whatever reason, I invariably find myself waking up at some point during the night when I’m with Jefferson. Sometimes it’s just for a moment, sometimes longer. I was up at 5am or so for probably a good half-hour.

Jefferson got up for some water and I smiled at him when he came back. We snuggled together so perfectly and I was out again until I heard him stir a few hours later.

I was so out of it. Too tired to even open my eyes.

But that didn’t deter Jefferson.

I sighed as his hand slid over my body to between my legs. I parted them slightly for him as his fingers started rubbing my clit. It took a few minutes for me to come out of my sleepy haze and my body to warm up, but soon enough he made me cum for the first time that morning.

He kissed me and rolled on top of me, reaching for a condom from the drawer next to the bed.

I finally opened my eyes, slowly letting the bright light in, and smiled up at him.

“Mornin’.”
“Mornin’” he smiled, leaning down to kiss me.

I moaned into his kiss as he pressed himself into me. He held me close and I squeezed him tight as he thrusted into me. My legs wrapped around his, leverage for me to push my hips up to meet his. We kissed each other all over- lips, cheeks, neck- as we fucked that morning.

I smiled at him, touching his cheek with my palm, as I whispered “I love you.”

He grabbed my hair and growled in my ear as I came hard for him again and again.

My nails dug into his back as my body arched and I cried out loudly.

Exhausted and panting, I laid still as Jefferson pulled out and rolled over next to me.

“Go suck my dick now,” he told me, pulling the condom off.
“I’m barely awake!” I joked, laughing.

I pushed myself onto my knees and stole a sip of water before taking Jefferson’s cock in my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his legs as I worked my mouth up and down the length of him, and taking him deep in my throat. His hips thrusted up and I relaxed my jaw, letting him set the pace. It wasn’t long before he pulled himself out of me and with one hand firmly on his cock and the other firmly in my hair he jerked himself off, covering the side of my face as he came.

“Well, that was different!” I laughed.
“Yeah, it was!” he said handing me a tissue.

I cleaned off as much as I could and turned to snuggle into him, throwing my leg casually over his.

“Aww man, I got cum on my leg,” I complained.
“Yeah, and your face too!”
“But this is all wet…and sticky…”

He laughed and kissed me. We rested together for a few minutes before he had to start getting ready for work.

We hopped into the shower together where I promptly rinsed my leg.

Ahhhh….much better.

Except when the water his my sore ass- ouch!

I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him as we stood under the shower head.

And I had come prepared that day- my bangs had gotten wet and thus curly in the shower the previous week, so I smartly brought my shower cap this time.

Jefferson promised he’d still fuck me even after I wore it.

I handed him his shampoo and then his soap (it was a bar soap day that day), kissing him and touching him here and there. Next was my turn as he soaped me up head to toe.

I smiled, from deep inside, like my heart was smiling (they do that, you just can’t see it) as I watched him crouched in front of me washing my legs and feet.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this shower all week,” I said as we rinsed off. “We just don’t get a lot of hot water at school, and I’ve been thinking about taking a long, hot shower since last week. I’ll probably take another shower after you go.”
“Why later? Just stay in now!” he suggested.
“Hmm…good point.”

Just then Jefferson grabbed for his tooth brush again.

“You’d better not spit that on me again. I’ll have to hurt you real bad if you do.”
“You wouldn’t hurt me,” he said surely, starting to brush his teeth.
“Are you willing to bet your nipples on that?”

He didn’t spit his toothpaste on me this time, but he brushed my teeth with his toothbrush. That’s been in his mouth. Brushing away all sorts of mouth stuff.

*Shudder*

He rinsed his mouth and spit by the drain, and scooted past me to get out and dry off.

I turned the water up once he left, making it just a notch below scalding (too hot for Jefferson’s sensitive skin). I closed my eyes and leaned against the shower wall, just enjoying the feeling of the hot water running over me.

When I got out I had that good warm, shaky feeling like when you have a nice hot tub soak.

I kissed Jefferson good bye and wished him a good day at work and sat down at his computer to work on beautifying his blog.

Part 1, Part 2 , and Part 3