I’M GOING TO FRANCE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(On that note, posts and replies to comments will be sparse for the month.)

WEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  I’M GOING TO FRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See everyone in August!!

There’s no real music video for this song, but it’s the lyrics I want you to pay attention to anyways.

They Weren’t There, by Missy Higgins

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

So yesterday was one of the coolest days in my short 22 years of life (yes, I’ll get to the party eventually). I did a photo shoot with Barbara Nitke and it a was a professional shoot (usually I help her on her personal shoots like the one that’s up right now for her photo of the week http://barbaranitke.com/home.html). I didn’t know before hand that we were shooting actors for a movie poster!!

We were shooting Kat Dennings and Michael Cera for their new movie coming out this fall, “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.”
                  

Kat played the teen daughter in 40 yr. Old Virgin and has also been on ER and Michael was on Arrested Development and also just recently in Juno.

Photography is awesome!!  I’m so glad I got to do that, and hopefully will have more opportunities like that with Barbara.

Yay photography!

I scored an apartment for the fall!!

Woo!

And it’s huge and cheap!

I can’t believe how well I scored- and it was the only place I even looked at or asked about!

*Does a little dance*

I’ll only have ONE roommate and I’ll finally have my own bedroom again so I can sleep or diddle or fuck or just walk around naked!!

*Does a bigger dance!*

I just lost 2 more cats.

For anyone keeping tabs, that’s 4 since I started this blog. 4 in two years. Blah. That sucks.

My mom had to put down my 2 kitties Lucy and Smokey. Smokey was 17 and started to go downhill real fast. Lucy got sick very quickly this year as well and wasn’t getting better (she was about 11 or so). I’m mad at my mom for not warning me that she might be putting Lucy down.

She always does that. The few times we’ve had to put some animals down for being very old and very sick, she wouldn’t tell me until after. And I would always get mad. You think she’d learn by now!!

So that just leaves one cat- Eli (yes we named him after Eli Manning).

But we’ll probably hunt for a Mainecoon kitten this summer, so that makes me happy.

I’m gonna miss my Lucy and Smokey though :*(

This is Lucy sleeping 2 summers ago:

I don’t have a picture of Smokey

Maybe I’m just feeling contemplative.

I’ve been thinking a bit about my past- high school and some unfinished business from then.

And my future.  My relationships.  Graduating.

I feel very disconnected from a lot of people these days.  Some friendships have fallen to the wayside, as I generally expect to happen.  It’s a little disheartening.  Gia’s gone.  Wendy’s gone.  Noelle have barely spoken this year.  My roommate and I will be parting ways in just 4 weeks.  I don’t anticipate a relationship beyond that.

(These probably aren’t the best posts to write at 3am.  With Mika’s “Any Other World” playing.  Or perhaps it’s the best situation.)

Unfortunately I didn’t get to it until the tail end of my therapy session this week (which have been going well by the way), but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me.  Or something.

I’ve never been able to keep friendships.  I always just grew apart from people.  I would contact people less and less and neither would they call.  And then I just never felt a need to look back.  Even with my best friends.

My relationship with Jefferson is one of my longest.  A few more months and it’ll bypass my best friend from high school which lasted a little over 2 years I guess.  Except I think I had a friend in grade school for like 3 years.

And even though I’m still attached to Jefferson something’s just changed.  It’s like if he’s not in front of my face he doesn’t exist to me.  I can’t feel it.  I have to constantly remind myself how I feel about him because all I feel is like a distant memory of something.  Like, “Oh yeah, that’s the guy I love so much.  Almost forgot about him.”

I don’t know what that is.

I’ve stopped e-mailing unless I have something really pertinent to say.  Which is fairly infrequent.  Save for scheduling coffee or lunch with him around my therapy I’ve stopped asking for dates.  Partly because I know he’s busy with the moving.

Partly because it just feels so superficial.

But it isn’t, right?

How can I feel such love and happiness when I’m with someone yet feel so disconnected when I’m not?  Wouldn’t that mean that it’s just fake?  And forced?

Can you fall out of love?  I used to think you couldn’t.  That if you stopped loving someone then maybe you never really loved them in the first place.

A part of me still loves Casi.

None of me loves Michael, nor do I believe I ever really did.

But I did fall in love with Jefferson.  A couple times actually.

I don’t understand how it can feel so empty though.  I don’t know what it means.  And if I don’t know what it means does that mean I can’t fix it?  If I can’t fix it will it happen again?

These are the things I think about.  I suppose I worry and obsess too much.  You should’ve seen how upset I would get before I picked a major.  Part of it’s my upbringing I think- a fair amount of time spent in therapy.  My 2 years at boarding school which provoked a lot of internal reflection.  And now I’m back in therapy in order to tackle these things in me.

All I know is I don’t want to be alone.  Maybe I should change it to not wanting to feel alone.  Because there’s not a whole lot worse of a feeling than feeling lonely in a room full of people.  I’ve been there.  It stinks.

Of course at the same time I say I don’t want to be alone, I sit here with these walls heavily guarding me preventing me from any long term, meaningful bonding.

*Sigh*

Quite the predicament I’m in.

I think I must sleep now.

I’m having lunch with my father today.  It’ll be the first time I’m seeing him since Christmas ‘06- and we’ve been basically estranged since Sep. ‘06.  We’ve only spoken on the phone a few times when I’ve had to call him about insurance stuff.  The lunch will be fine.  We’ll be polite and cordial.  It’s just going to feel weird having him back in my life.  And I really don’t actually want to hash anything out.  Like, ever.  I pretty much just want to keep him at arms length.  That will be best I think.  The question is now- to show the tattoo, or not to show the tattoo?  Is a nose ring and a tattoo too much in one day?  Lol.

Last night I went to the DSF meeting at Paddles with Jocasta and Zelda.  Lolita was teaching on poly.  She sure does have a lot of great stories to tell!  While sitting through the class, I came up with this pondering- Would I have persued poly if I hadn’t met Jefferson?

And, to also consider- is this how I want to continue?  Obviously my situation frustrates me because even though I care very much for the people in my life, it’s just filled with play partners when we all know I really want a partnership.  A “primary,” if you will.  So will finding a primary partner alleviate my frustration or is poly potentially just not for me in actuality?  Or do I only care because it’s that time of the month and this is generally the only time I really get frustrated about this stuff?

We’re just gonna mull over those ideas for a bit.

After the meeting, while Jocasta was getting her birthday spanking from Lolita, Boymeat showed up and I some how became a punching bag, being volleyed between Boymeat’s fist and Jocasta’s X’s foot.  Then Lolita joined in and I felt like a pinball bouncing around in a game!  And then I started crying.  I was already feeling emotional, and then being hit will really just bring it to the surface.  Not exactly the right time or place, for me, to do that.  But it made me think that a “frustration scene” could be really cathartic for me at this moment in time.

OK, I think that’s all for now.

I just signed up for 4 weeks in Nice this summer to study abroad!

Wee!!  I’m so excited!

I’m even going to have my own studio apartment while there.  And you know what that means, right?  Having lots of fun with the local French men! 

Only downside is I’ll miss TES-Fest.  :(  But I suppose 4 other events this year should be adequate, right?  (Winter Fire, Shibaricon, Floating World, and Sex Camp for those keeping tabs).

Now I just need to start earning some spending money!  (I kinda used most of my whore money for my camera, Shibaricon, and my credit card…)

Ok, so here’s the deal.  I’d really like to write a nice detailed post about the awesome day that was today, but God I’m so tired.

So the good points?

Yay coffee with Jefferson.

Hooray for liking the new therapist!

Score for being cute and my car not getting towed!

Yippee for skipping class and going to TES-TNG meeting (my first TNG meeting actually, lol).

Yum Boymeat in a suit.  (!! I think I have a suit fetish or something…)

Fun eating at diner with kinksters!

But tomorrow will suck as photos are due and I’m preparing myself for the teacher to rip them to shreds.  *Sigh*  Plus I have to be up early- for my 11:30 class.  Bah.  (Truth is I can’t remember the last time I slept past 9:30 because of my roommate always waking me up- grr!)