Life, Love, Sex

Healing

It’s been 3 months now.  And only 3 months.  It feels like an eternity longer.  I spent the month of July not thinking much about it, which was good.  August I spent being angry.  Not so good.  And September I’ve been sad.

It’s not that I want Jefferson back in my life (at least the rational part doesn’t).  Believe you me, I don’t.  It’s just that I’m adjusting to something that was basically a constant in my life for 2 years being gone now.  For good, once and for all.  This isn’t like the other times.  We can’t talk and work things through.  We’re no longer a rock.  (Jefferson once described us as solid as a rock when we were going through a rough patch and I was thinking of leaving.)  We lost our strength a long, long time ago.

Not everything about being with Jefferson sucked.  Obviously, or I wouldn’t have stayed for so long.  I have plenty of blog entries here documenting the good times we shared.  And I think it’s perfectly logical and reasonable that I would miss those times.  Except for at the very end, I would still be excited to see him and spend time with him (and I was still shaving and wearing nice underwear too!).  That same giddy excitement I felt from day 1 lasted 2 years.  I loved how he used to touch me (though I’ve been missing that for longer than 3 months now) and I could never get enough of him.  I felt something for Jefferson that I really never experienced with anyone else.  And I can’t explain the hows or whys.  If I knew, I’d be torn between wanting to protect myself from ever letting it happen again, or searching for that kind of connection with another person.

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.  This isn’t what I had planned.

If anything, I should have stayed broken up with him the 1st time and then we wouldn’t be where we are now.  Not friends.  Not speaking.  Not in each other’s life.

The break-up was…awful.  But I was at my wit’s end.  Everything I was doing wasn’t helping to save our relationship (probably because I was the only one doing something).  The lies continued.  The distance between us grew further.

You know I never saw his new place?  He never makes dates, so of course I was never invited to see it.  And then since I was trying to be helpful, I was trying to give him space so he had time to move, unpack, write his book, etc.  But I was so hurt and infuriated when I started reading all these accounts of all these other people spending time with him.  Including new people.  This was days before our trip to Chicago.

It was that moment that I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I think I did a pretty good job of hiding that while in Chicago, if I do say so myself.

I guess I ended it like I did because I didn’t want a repeat of last summer’s break-up to happen (me going back to him).  I didn’t want to be manipulated back into the relationship.  I didn’t want to keep being hurt by his indifference to my feelings and his not taking any responsibility for his actions.

I don’t know what made this year different than last, but whatever I did successfully severed all ties.  Now we’re not even able to be friends.

Part of me wishes we could be.  I do miss just having him be in my life.  For even just the smallest reasons.

Thursday night I used a 4×5 view camera for the 1st time and really, really loved it.  It was so cool and so unlike any other photographic process I’ve done before.  It’s amazing how different cameras can be and how that can alter the photo taking a process.  My fully manual camera is so different from my auto-focus digital.  Using a TLR is different from an SLR.  And now I finally know the charms of a view camera.

I developed the film last night (tray development in complete darkness) and was so pleased with my images!!  I only took 4.  The 1st one was messed up because the camera moved on a shaky tripod, but other than that it was good exposure. The 2nd one I didn’t like because some things were out of focus and I think I may have had a bellow off center.  But the last 2 were really nice.  Great exposure, even density.  And nice pictures too!

Plus I was also shooting at night so I had to use my reciprocity failure chart and make sure I was metering correctly.  I think I might go out again tonight to shoot another building that I liked.  (I’m very into architecture, not sure why I haven’t pursued that more…)  And then Sunday night my classmate and I are going to go set up by the river to get the skyline (I’ll let her discover the hard way it’s cliche and not all that interesting, instead of bursting her excitement prematurely).

And I write all of this because this is what I’d want to be sharing with Jefferson (and I guess I am sharing it with him since I know he’s reading).  He got my excitement (or was really good at patronizing me about all my art geekiness).  I miss having him there to run to excited and wanting to share what cool new thing I learned.

I remember the hurt and frustration, but I also remember the love and happiness.  And the fun, playful times (like the time I got him hogtied at Shibaricon and then tickled him and tortured his nipples, hehe).  And the tender times (like when he’d just hold me and lay with me when I was having a bad week and just needed his warmth to feel better).

Maybe we could be friends.  Maybe we couldn’t.  I don’t know.  It’s probably not all that important.  I don’t even know if being friends is even a good idea.  I just wish I knew what it took to be less sad about everything.  And if all it takes is time, well then hurry the fuck up.

Attention NJ/NYC area readers!

Dear beloved blog readers:

I’m hoping some of you out there can help me with a photo project I want to do this semester.

I want to shoot couples (and plurals) of all varying mixtures.  I have a few friends I’m going to proposition, but I want to get at least 6 couples (or groups), but  I’d be much happier with 8, and ecstatic with 10.  I have ads up on CL, but I’m not sure how good of a response I’ll get there.  So I’ll use this as my ad space too right now.

I basically want to capture my world (my sex positive and amazingly diverse world) and put it on display so others can see how beautiful it is.  Large aspirations, I know.  Well, I’ll just start with capturing it at least.  So with that said I basically want to shoot people all over the sexuality spectrum, gender spectrum, and kink spectrum.  Lesbians (femmes, butches, bois, etc), gay men (twinks, bears, etc (there are so many descriptions and I only know a few)), genderqueers, poly groups, masters and slaves, tops and bottoms, older men with younger girls, older women with younger guys, older couples, younger couples, and any other combinations I can’t think of.

I also want to do a spectrum of shoots from insightful portraits to full on naked, sex, erotic shots (bordering the line of porn I suppose).   I’ll probably work in both digital and film.  I’m still deciding on that.

I’m looking to plan shoots through out the semester (unitl the end of November, early December), but I want to start finding interested people now!

Whatever I shoot is going to be used just for class and potentially my portfolio.  Nothing commercial, no porn sites (I’m not shooting porn as it is).   We’ll do the whole model release thing.  And in the end, you’ll get a copy of the photos!

So if you’re reading this and you’re in the North/Central Jersey/NYC/Southern NY State area and either you’re personally interested or know someone who might be, please please please contact me at avahsascent AT gmail [dot] com.  Feel free to post this or forward this to interested newsgroups, interested parties, or the like.

If you’re responding please include a paragraph or so about you (you as in the people I would be shooting), your general location, general schedule of availability, and levels of comfort regarding nudity and/or sexual explicitness (ie: topless fine, pink not so fine.  Or making out naked fine, full on penetration not so fine, etc).  Also please include clear photos of anyone participating.  Face shots will do, full body is appreciated.  Clothed is just fine.

I look forward to hearing from you!

-Avah

And the Adventures Continue

So, I’m back from Paris. Got home late last night because my plane had been delayed for 3 hours! It was supposed to take off at 9:10pm but didn’t take off until around 12:30am. I was mostly pissed because it meant I couldn’t take the bus home since it stopped running at midnight which meant I would have to take a cab. And I did, and it was 35 Euro (54 dollars!!!). I heard plenty of sorry’s and I got a measly coupon for food at the airport, but a free drink doesn’t make up for having to pay $54 for a cab when I should have had to! I think I’ll be writing the company a letter!

But anyways, Paris was amazing. I’ll start there and then talk about what I did the rest of the week I guess.

I got into Paris Thursday night and headed to my friend’s apartment near the Eiffel Tower. She was nice enough to give me her bed and take the couch which was great. And she had a real mattress which was such a treat! I slept like a baby every night there! Unfortunately though I got a cold- I felt it developing on the plane and even more so as we talked a bit before going to bed. So when I woke up Friday morning, I was miserable. I felt awful and my nose was so drippy. My friend had already gone to work, so I was on my own to find cold medicine.

After showering and checking e-mail, I headed out for the day and searched first for a pharmacy. Luckily they’re easy to find in France because they all have big green crosses out front. So I found one and the pharmacist spoke English so I told him I needed something for my cold. Cold medicine in hand, I headed to a photography museum I had looked up online, but only to find when I got there the building was under renovation! Oh well. I headed to my next destination- Pompidou Center, the big modern art museum. In all the times I’ve been to Paris, I’d only been in once and just saw an exhibit (on Hitchcock!) while I was there.

I started at the top and saw an exhibit about the Sacred in Art and really enjoyed it. I liked it both because it was layed out well (which not all museums have going for them) and because the subject matter was interesting. I thought there were some really great pieces. It was a pretty big exhibit, almost the whole top floor I guess, and it took me at least an hour to see it all. I ended up buying a book on the exhibit, but in French since I didn’t see one in English.

After the exhibit I went to the lower floors where they have the permanent collection but pretty much just focused on the floor with the 1st half of the 1900s. I really hate a lot of art after 1960 (and even a few movements before that. Don’t get me started on Cubism and Dada!). I liked a lot of stuff in the permanent collection too. I saw a lot of great Chagall’s, and Matisse pieces, and some nice Fauvist works. Eventually though I was starting to get tired so once I finished the floor I started to head out.

I still had a few hours before I would meet my friend after work, so I looked on the map and saw I was close to Pere Lachaise- the big cemetery where a lot of famous people are buried (most famously know is of course Jim Morrison). So I headed over and looked at the map at the entrance to see who was buried where and wrote down a few names and locations- but it’s very difficult to find people. The place is absolutely enormous and it doesn’t flow entirely logically. I was able to find Seurat fairly easily. I went hunting for David, but he was far in some back section and then deeper into the section (rather then being on the outskirt). Eventually I gave up trying to find the other people and just went searching for Jim Morrison. His I knew I’d be able to find because there would just be a lot of people around. And I was right.

So I snapped a few pictures and finally headed home. So, here, for anyone that cares:

I was more than exhausted after that, plus my nose was dripping even more so I made my way back home. I fell asleep for a few minutes until my friend came home.

We went out to dinner together when she did, and at first she thought of one place, but after seeing the menu, I saw it was way too fancy for my taste buds so we went searching for something else. We passed a crepe place and after mentioning I’ve never actually had a sweet crepe, it was decided we’d eat there for dinner.

I had a salty ham and cheese crepe for dinner and then an oh so yummy banana and chocolate with whipped cream and a scoop of vanilla ice cream sweet crepe for dessert! It was soooooo good! I think I’ll try to have a few more crepes before I come home on Wednesday.

After that we walked over to the Eiffel Tower because I hadn’t seen what color it was lately. It’s been lit up Blue and on one side has the stars of the EU because I think for 6 months, France is the head of the EU, or something like that. I don’t know. But it looks really cool. And it still sparkles every hour (it’s been doing that since 2000).

The next day was a long day. I woke up late, around noon, but needed it because of my cold. We set out and headed over to Notre Dame, looked around inside briefly, but our main goal was to go up and see the gargoyles. Except the line was obscenely long and wasn’t moving at all. It probably would have taken 2 hours just to wait in line and climb all the steps! 466 of them, which I was fine with not climbing because with my cold, going up stairs made me a tad dizzy.

We instead found somewhere for lunch. I had a yummy meal with a steak and potatoes au gratin and a yummy little chocolate cake for dessert. (I had been so frugal with eating out this whole month I decided to stop looking at prices of food and just enjoying since it’s my last few days.)

We then headed over to Hotel de Ville (City Hall) and looked around there and then walked along the Seine where they set up something called Paris Plage . We walked quite a bit of ways, ending up near the national library. We then walked a bit through this promenade garden which was a walkway with gardens on this old train tracks overpass thing. I dunno. It was cute. But after 5 hours of walking, I was exhausted!

We headed home and after resting for a few minutes, my friend ran to the store to get some food for a picnic on the Champ de Mars (the big law in front of the Eiffel Tower). We headed over to meet some of her friends and it was fun! There was a lot of food, but I actually wasn’t too hungry after such a big lunch (and also because of my cold), so I just nibbled on a few things here and there. It was all girls, and they were speaking French, so I didn’t really know what was going on, but sometimes I understood some things. It was still fun sitting under the Eiffel Tower and having a French picnic.

Eventually we started to feel some rain, only light though, but we all packed up and headed back. My friend and I ended up biking home using this new system called the Velib’ which is a bike program in France where it’s basically dirt cheap (1Euro for a day) to rent bicycles. It’s pretty cool.

We went straight to bed because we were both so exhausted.

Sunday I slept even later! Until 1pm! I couldn’t believe it. It was like 13 hours of sleeping. I must have needed it. It unfortunately cut into the day a bit, but oh well. It’s not like I haven’t been to Paris before and it’s not like I won’t be back.

We (I) wanted to see the Tour de France so we stopped for lunch and had yummy pizza before walking over to near the Eiffel Tower (again) to find a spot to see the guys on their way to the Champs-Élysées. We waited around for over an hour and eventually they came and went all in 10 seconds. The anticipation wasn’t quite worth it. But I got pictures, so it’s cool.

After that we biked over to the Rodin Museum where we walked around the garden for a bit and made a quick stop at Invalides as I had to get back to my friend’s place to get my stuff and head to the airport (but really, there was no hurry!). So that was my weekend in Paris!

Which took awhile to write, so perhaps I’ll write what I did the rest of the week later, because I’m burning daylight right now and I need to get a move on my 2nd to last day here!

I don’t want to leave France!!!

More Tired Feetsies

On an odd note, the chatter I usually hear from the streets at night is actually not French, but Arabic as a group of young Arabic men gather outside the Hallal Boucherie (butcher shop) across the street.

More long days this week!

Monday I ended up losing to a nap- the jet lag has taken me a little bit of time to get used to.

Tuesday started with my morning Mediterranean Civ. class as usual following with my French class. Our goal that day was to discuss what we had done that weekend using the passe compose. And the teacher paired up the more experienced students with the less experienced to help them out as we traveled about le Vieux Nice (Old Nice). Can I tell you how difficult it is to teach someone the past tense when they don’t know the present tense??!! And I must say while I was trying to be as helpful as possible, I thought my student was being a little obstinate and just resolving herself to the fact that she knew nothing instead of even just repeating after me. But whatever. I helped as much as I could.

We walked around for awhile before breaking for lunch where I had very sad chicken and fries (Poulet frites).

Then we went to MAMAC (Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art)(Musee d’art moderne et d’art contemporain). I discovered I liked Yves Klein while visiting there.

Also, on the way over I had my little discussion with the teacher on what I did that weekend. I’m very amazed with how quickly my French came back even after not studying it for 4 years! It’s very cool. I mean, I still don’t understand a lot, but it’s coming very easily.

I went food shopping for dinner after the museum where I decided to make cabonara sauce, even in my rinky dinky kitchenette. It came out OK. I didn’t have all the right ingredients so I ended up making a rous and then a white sauce which was missing a few flavors, but I ultimately decided the problem was it was just much to thick when I wanted a thinner sauce. I have plenty of ham and eggs left over so maybe I’ll try again this weekend.

Today was a long adventure day (Wednesdays are our designated excursion days). We first went to these cliffs out far away I don’t even know where because I fell asleep on the bus. But here’s a picture:

Then after that we went to St. Paul en Vance I think is the full name. We climbed this huge hill first to this modern art museum (Foundation Maeght) where I discovered another 2 artists that I like- Hans Hartung and Aki Kuroda. They had beautiful original lithographs in the gift shop that I would have loved but they were like 900E ($1400). Boo.

Here’s a Hartung that I liked (I even got the postcard of it!):

And we’re still not done with the day!

We head over to the medieval village of St. Paul next!

I had actually gone to this village when I was in Nice in 2004 with my parents- I just hadn’t remembered the name. But I recognized the surroundings. And the tablecloth shop my mom had been so successful in. So of course I had to go in and see if I could find something (even though I had already gotten 3 tablecloths in Gourdon!).

Well, I found something. I was looking for something particular. I wanted a tablecloth with a center motif and then a boarder around it, so I at least had an idea what I was looking for. She showed me what she had that matched it- it was the same pattern of olives but just in different color combinations- choosing the color was the hard part! The blue was lovely, and the beige and white was so clean and crisp! But, being an Aries I ended up choosing the rich brick red with contrasting yellow napkins.

But look at all my pretty tablecloths!

So I walked around the village forever and took a bunch of pictures, especially of the doors because there were so many different kinds and they were so cool looking! My feet started hurting again of course! I switched to better shoes that had more support than my sandals, except the heel started rubbing! (Even though they were fine last week!) I hate that! Bah. And my hip’s starting to bug me a bit- my left one. That is bad. Very bad. I need for my hip to not go out on me. I should be good and stretch it tonight.

I crashed again on the bus ride home and am basically just hanging out- ate some baguette and eggs for dinner. Uploaded pictures. Catching up friends on my adventures.

I’m not sure yet if I want to go out tonight. It’s already on the late side, a quarter to 10. Even though I can sleep in to 10am tomorrow because I don’t have Med. Civ on Thursday mornings.

Though you know what I want?

To get laid!

It’s been over a week now since I’ve gotten fucked (Thanks Match!). I wish I had the gusto to chat up the cute boys at the bars here, but I just don’t have those kinds of social skills. I also don’t want to do it with the other girls in the group because a) I don’t want everyone knowing I’m a slut and b) I have no confidence with them because they’re all so thin and pretty. Hopefully I can find away to get some sex though. And soon!

Alright kiddies- that should be enough until I have more adventures to report on!

A bientot!

Religious Experience

Yesterday was a long day!

We traveled to a small museum where I discovered the artist Fernand Leger.  I liked his later works (earlier works were too cubist for my tastes).

After we went to a medieval village perched way up in the mountains called Gordon.  I bought 3 beautiful Provence tablecloths (1 of my 2 things I really wanted to get while here).  I spent 110E on the 3 (a bit expensive), but oh well.  I’ll have these for years and years to come at least.  At least I saved money by not getting napkins.  I’ll just find some solid colored ones that match back in the states.

Then we made a quick pit stop at little candy making factory on the advice of our bus driver.  (No, that wasn’t my religious experience).  I tried crystallized rose petals (it just tasted like sugar), a glazed Clementine (I might have liked it better if they didn’t glaze it with the skin!), and lavender jam (which was very sweet!).  I didn’t get anything there because everything was so exorbitantly priced!  1 chocolate bar was like 8E!

Still on our long journey, we stopped in Vance at this chapel designed entirely by Matisse.  OMG it’s was so beautiful.  I loved it.  Sitting in it and listening to the priest talk about why Matisse chose certain colors of the stained glass and such really made me want to pray.  Even though I’m not Catholic, I would totally go to that church.

We couldn’t take pictures inside, but here’s something from the outside.

And here’s a link to pictures taken of the inside: http://www.musee-matisse-nice.org/expositions/chapelle_2001.html

This weekend I’m staying local in Nice.  I think I’ll hit the beach.  I also might go check out the Chagall museum perhaps tomorrow.

I must go start my day now (I’m getting a late start, but I’ve been soooo busy these past few days I don’t mind a little bit of down time).

A bientot!

Experience

I had an amazing experience yesterday.

I got behind the camera and started taking pictures and really, really felt like that’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  More so than all the other times I’ve used my camera.

We had a little workshop yesterday for the photo students and we were doing portraits of each other or whoever we could get.  I was timid at first, just watching everyone else and trying to come up with my own idea.  My one friend was doing a dark, dramatic portrait but I started formulating in my head that I wanted a white background.  I asked one of the girls if I could shoot her since she had some of the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen and we found a great sunlit room to do it in (I was shooting digital for this).

We had a great helper too (and so freaking HOT.  Every girl there had a huge crush on him, lol.).  He just taught us so much and was so helpful in just helping us achieve what we wanted (rather than telling us how he would do it).

So we set up, put a white reflector board behind her for the background and I just started taking pictures.  It was a total “Duh” moment- like, “Duh, this is totally what I’m supposed to do.”  With in the first 10 frames I just said how I wanted to do it forever.  I’ve always known I was drawn to portraiture, but because I’d never had a real opportunity to do something so set up like this, it wasn’t as concrete as a desire.

Now I’m certain that I really, really want to shoot people.

And I’m even more excited to be helping Barbara Nitke tomorrow (I also feel like I’ll be of a little more use because of how much I learned).

(I also feel a little ready to start transitioning to digital, but I would never abandon film.  I’m just beginning to try out medium format!  My first roll right now!)

I have a portrait assignment coming up for class this semester and I can’t wait to do it.  I think I’m gonna do my mom, or maybe both her and my step-dad.

It took me a little while to get to this point (and lots of random majors beforehand) but I’m so excited to finally have a direction (and also feel like I’m good at it).

You Should So Be Jealous of Me

Because not only do I get to spend Sunday with my Desire, I also get to assist at the photo shoot she’s doing with Barbara Nitke.

That’s right bitches.

I am so freaking excited- I can’t even tell you.

Weee!!

New Pictures

New pictures are up from the Giants Parade last week.

These are the digital ones I took.  I’ll scan the B&W whenever I get a chance.

My Photography 

Opinions Please!

In the madness that comes after the 0 hour (midnight), I created this image (please pardon the pathetic way I took a picture of it, I don’t have access to a scanner right now).

As soon as I flatten it and mount it, it’ll be for sale. And I have 3-4 available (I can print more if there’s interest).

(Click for larger)

What do you think?

Techni-Color

3 new pictures are up!

And in color!

Check ‘em out.

http://designingintimacy.com/photography