Life, Love, Sex

Bad Day

So my weekly therapy is tomorrow.

Boy do I have a shit load to talk about.  Not that I really want to talk about it anymore.

I wonder if she still reads.  I don’t think she does.  Even though it would be totally convenient when it came to catching up each session.

Today wasn’t such a good day.  I did something not so good for me.  Early afternoon I poured myself a gin and tonic and took one of my few remaining percocets from getting me wisdom teeth taken out.  Wow, let’s just say I’m a light weight.

I’m not very good with humility.  Mostly because humiliation is at root of it for me.  And not the good kind.

I wonder if it would be beneficial to just come clean about everything that’s happened these past 6 months.

I’d have to get some opinions on the subject 1st from my friends.

Tomorrow should be better.  I’m going to see Get Smart with Adam after therapy.  That will be fun.

Past and Future- Disconnect

Maybe I’m just feeling contemplative.

I’ve been thinking a bit about my past- high school and some unfinished business from then.

And my future.  My relationships.  Graduating.

I feel very disconnected from a lot of people these days.  Some friendships have fallen to the wayside, as I generally expect to happen.  It’s a little disheartening.  Gia’s gone.  Wendy’s gone.  Noelle have barely spoken this year.  My roommate and I will be parting ways in just 4 weeks.  I don’t anticipate a relationship beyond that.

(These probably aren’t the best posts to write at 3am.  With Mika’s “Any Other World” playing.  Or perhaps it’s the best situation.)

Unfortunately I didn’t get to it until the tail end of my therapy session this week (which have been going well by the way), but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me.  Or something.

I’ve never been able to keep friendships.  I always just grew apart from people.  I would contact people less and less and neither would they call.  And then I just never felt a need to look back.  Even with my best friends.

My relationship with Jefferson is one of my longest.  A few more months and it’ll bypass my best friend from high school which lasted a little over 2 years I guess.  Except I think I had a friend in grade school for like 3 years.

And even though I’m still attached to Jefferson something’s just changed.  It’s like if he’s not in front of my face he doesn’t exist to me.  I can’t feel it.  I have to constantly remind myself how I feel about him because all I feel is like a distant memory of something.  Like, “Oh yeah, that’s the guy I love so much.  Almost forgot about him.”

I don’t know what that is.

I’ve stopped e-mailing unless I have something really pertinent to say.  Which is fairly infrequent.  Save for scheduling coffee or lunch with him around my therapy I’ve stopped asking for dates.  Partly because I know he’s busy with the moving.

Partly because it just feels so superficial.

But it isn’t, right?

How can I feel such love and happiness when I’m with someone yet feel so disconnected when I’m not?  Wouldn’t that mean that it’s just fake?  And forced?

Can you fall out of love?  I used to think you couldn’t.  That if you stopped loving someone then maybe you never really loved them in the first place.

A part of me still loves Casi.

None of me loves Michael, nor do I believe I ever really did.

But I did fall in love with Jefferson.  A couple times actually.

I don’t understand how it can feel so empty though.  I don’t know what it means.  And if I don’t know what it means does that mean I can’t fix it?  If I can’t fix it will it happen again?

These are the things I think about.  I suppose I worry and obsess too much.  You should’ve seen how upset I would get before I picked a major.  Part of it’s my upbringing I think- a fair amount of time spent in therapy.  My 2 years at boarding school which provoked a lot of internal reflection.  And now I’m back in therapy in order to tackle these things in me.

All I know is I don’t want to be alone.  Maybe I should change it to not wanting to feel alone.  Because there’s not a whole lot worse of a feeling than feeling lonely in a room full of people.  I’ve been there.  It stinks.

Of course at the same time I say I don’t want to be alone, I sit here with these walls heavily guarding me preventing me from any long term, meaningful bonding.

*Sigh*

Quite the predicament I’m in.

I think I must sleep now.

This is Me Being Lazy

So I was all geared up to write stuff- but now the juice is gone.

My session went really well Wednesday.  I talked forever with her- getting a lot of the preliminary stuff out of the way.  She must have taken like 5 pages of notes.  We had a pretty good rapport, so it was definitely good.  Also, I gave her the blog address to help give her some insight into things.  That should be interesting!  Lol.

Had coffee with Jefferson before hand and that was really good.  We both said stuff that needed to be said and it helped clear the way to move forward.

This is short as I just made plans 10 seconds ago to go out tonight- so away to the shower for me!

Laters.

The Dirty Laundry

I’ve kept this issue to myself the past couple months as I didn’t really want to cause unnecessary drama or feed the gossip mongers or haters.

Maybe I should start with the back story?

Most people know that sometimes I get jealous in my relationship with Jefferson. It’s a normal human emotion, no biggie. Some people know most of this jealousy is directed towards one woman in particular- and it’s been there since almost day 1 since I started seeing him.

It’s for the most part been a quiet jealousy. I’ve occasionally acted out because of it, but it’s something I’ve definitely come to terms with and has gotten even quieter in more recent months. (Not that I don’t still love to bitch about her to anyone that will listen…)

But lately I’ve been getting more and more jealous of someone else. (Who these people are isn’t really important). And it’s really been putting an incredible strain on mine and Jefferson’s relationship. There were a few times these last 3 months where I really didn’t think we were going to make it.

I still have no idea what’s going to happen to us.

Something’s changed between us. And something else needs to change, because I can’t go on the way we are right now. Our relationship is disintegrating before my eyes and I just feel powerless to stop it.

That’s where this new therapist comes in. To give some fresh eyes on the situation.

It’s not just about the jealousy too though. I mean, that’s a big part of it- it’s changing the way we’re talking to each other (and not a good change obviously), and it’s changing the trust between us. Though of course I shouldn’t speak for Jefferson, but I would imagine he doesn’t have the most confidence I can keep my jealousy to myself (read: not act out). And I don’t trust he won’t attack me even when I calmly express my emotions (which I am capable of).

And that’s what happened last week. Ugh, but see, I’ve grown a little and I’m hesitant to put this on the internet now.

Well, let’s come back to it. Maybe the exact details don’t really matter.

But long story short, Thursday morning we were put in crisis mode. It felt like we were over. Like a line had been crossed and I wouldn’t be able to get over it. I felt attacked and even the mere thought of Jefferson repulsed me.

And that’s how I started my weekend at Winter Fire (thank God though he didn’t go). And the only thing I was concerned with was going to the Jealousy in Poly Relationships class. Because I know that with my jealousy this intense, it’s going to destroy our relationship very, very quickly. It’s close to destroying me.

Because, duh, I hate being jealous. I hate feeling this way. It eats away at me inside. It makes me moody and snippy and sad. I cry; I get nauseous. It’s really no picnic.

Anita Wagner, who taught the class, says it’s not about getting rid of jealousy all together, but more about managing it, and resolving issues causing it.

And after telling a bit of my story, she also thinks that there are larger issues between us.

Oh man that was such a hard class for me to sit through. The tears started trickling about as soon as I sat down. Though the real water works started when I talked about what was going on.

I don’t even remember half of it- it all happened so quickly and I was crying and I was just trying my best to take it all in.

I made some nice realizations though. One was that it’s even clearer that what Jefferson does isn’t real poly. He’s just a slut. Not taking into consideration anyone’s feelings.   And it’s nice to know that one day when I get into more serious relationships and want to do poly, I get to have more say in my relationship.

It was also reiterated what the best step is to help move past my jealousy- it’s also a really hard step for me right now that I don’t think I’m ready for. It’s…oh God…to become friendly with these women. Gah. I know.

Because I have no real contact with them it’s just been very easy for me to demonize them. I’ve invested so much into hating them- it’s going to take a bit of work to undo that. Even to the point of just striking up a correspondence (having lunch, as some suggested, is just not in the near future).

Of course all of this is happening at a really crappy time for Jefferson- with the move and everything happening at warped speed. And I’m of course concerned and more than sympathetic with what’s going on. But my feelings are happening too. And I need Jefferson to accept that and be more tolerant.

I know that our relationship is finite- it’s meant to end. But it doesn’t have to end now, and I really don’t want it to end on bad terms, at any point in time.

But if Jefferson and I can’t change the way we communicate with each other and find a way to reconnect, then I really can’t see myself staying. There’s really no point. I have no room for bad relationships in my life.

There’s probably more I could cover, but I’ll have plenty to write about tomorrow after my 1st session.

So until then…