Life, Love, Sex

Blindfold (unfinished)

In hindsight, I think I would have preferred not to be blindfolded. I think for the scene we did, it was perhaps not even needed.  And I would have like to have been able to see him to connect better.

It was Sunday night of Shibaricon and Jefferson and I were finally playing in the dungeon. Part of me was nervous about it- for a few reasons. The one being we really hadn’t played together in over a year. There was once or twice when Jefferson got the cane out, but it was all light and not in the least be intense. So I really didn’t know how I’d react to that dynamic between us again. I was also nervous because I was uncertain of our energy and relationship those days. Things had already been feeling off since the winter when I started acting out against D. and we began fighting about it. Not to mention that only a few days before leaving for Chicago, I had come to the realization there was very little left to our relationship and I no longer wanted to continue it after the trip.

So, yeah, add all that up and then let Jefferson tie me up and hit me was a wee-bit nerve wracking.

I was wearing my pretty new corset that evening and it actually put me more in a mood to play. Jefferson and I didn’t get to the dungeon until later in the night because we had enjoyed a long visit with a long time reader from the area, Mariel. Once down in the dungeon, we found Zelda and Jocasta already playing and we made a quick pit stop for Jefferson to finger Jo for a little bit.

After that, we started to hunt for a place to do our scene. A lot of the furniture was being used, but we found one area with a funky post so that the person bends forward when tied to it.

Jocasta ended up doing a majority of the tying, but Jefferson was there watching. Hopefully learning. I was tied in my corset with my waist attached to a post that was angled at about 45 degrees, my hands tied behind my back, and my ankles tethered to the bottom post. The blindfold was put on last. And Jefferson and I were left alone to do our own thing.

He started with a kiss.

And with that, I felt safe enough to let go with him one last time.

With 2 canes borrowed from Jocasta, he started warming up the front of my thighs with light quick taps.

I was quickly lulled into that floaty head space as Jefferson alternated between striking my thighs and gently caressing them.

[Note: I’m posting this unfinished because it’s in my drafts, but I don’t know that I’ll ever finish it.  So I’m just putting it up.]

Healing

It’s been 3 months now.  And only 3 months.  It feels like an eternity longer.  I spent the month of July not thinking much about it, which was good.  August I spent being angry.  Not so good.  And September I’ve been sad.

It’s not that I want Jefferson back in my life (at least the rational part doesn’t).  Believe you me, I don’t.  It’s just that I’m adjusting to something that was basically a constant in my life for 2 years being gone now.  For good, once and for all.  This isn’t like the other times.  We can’t talk and work things through.  We’re no longer a rock.  (Jefferson once described us as solid as a rock when we were going through a rough patch and I was thinking of leaving.)  We lost our strength a long, long time ago.

Not everything about being with Jefferson sucked.  Obviously, or I wouldn’t have stayed for so long.  I have plenty of blog entries here documenting the good times we shared.  And I think it’s perfectly logical and reasonable that I would miss those times.  Except for at the very end, I would still be excited to see him and spend time with him (and I was still shaving and wearing nice underwear too!).  That same giddy excitement I felt from day 1 lasted 2 years.  I loved how he used to touch me (though I’ve been missing that for longer than 3 months now) and I could never get enough of him.  I felt something for Jefferson that I really never experienced with anyone else.  And I can’t explain the hows or whys.  If I knew, I’d be torn between wanting to protect myself from ever letting it happen again, or searching for that kind of connection with another person.

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.  This isn’t what I had planned.

If anything, I should have stayed broken up with him the 1st time and then we wouldn’t be where we are now.  Not friends.  Not speaking.  Not in each other’s life.

The break-up was…awful.  But I was at my wit’s end.  Everything I was doing wasn’t helping to save our relationship (probably because I was the only one doing something).  The lies continued.  The distance between us grew further.

You know I never saw his new place?  He never makes dates, so of course I was never invited to see it.  And then since I was trying to be helpful, I was trying to give him space so he had time to move, unpack, write his book, etc.  But I was so hurt and infuriated when I started reading all these accounts of all these other people spending time with him.  Including new people.  This was days before our trip to Chicago.

It was that moment that I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I think I did a pretty good job of hiding that while in Chicago, if I do say so myself.

I guess I ended it like I did because I didn’t want a repeat of last summer’s break-up to happen (me going back to him).  I didn’t want to be manipulated back into the relationship.  I didn’t want to keep being hurt by his indifference to my feelings and his not taking any responsibility for his actions.

I don’t know what made this year different than last, but whatever I did successfully severed all ties.  Now we’re not even able to be friends.

Part of me wishes we could be.  I do miss just having him be in my life.  For even just the smallest reasons.

Thursday night I used a 4×5 view camera for the 1st time and really, really loved it.  It was so cool and so unlike any other photographic process I’ve done before.  It’s amazing how different cameras can be and how that can alter the photo taking a process.  My fully manual camera is so different from my auto-focus digital.  Using a TLR is different from an SLR.  And now I finally know the charms of a view camera.

I developed the film last night (tray development in complete darkness) and was so pleased with my images!!  I only took 4.  The 1st one was messed up because the camera moved on a shaky tripod, but other than that it was good exposure. The 2nd one I didn’t like because some things were out of focus and I think I may have had a bellow off center.  But the last 2 were really nice.  Great exposure, even density.  And nice pictures too!

Plus I was also shooting at night so I had to use my reciprocity failure chart and make sure I was metering correctly.  I think I might go out again tonight to shoot another building that I liked.  (I’m very into architecture, not sure why I haven’t pursued that more…)  And then Sunday night my classmate and I are going to go set up by the river to get the skyline (I’ll let her discover the hard way it’s cliche and not all that interesting, instead of bursting her excitement prematurely).

And I write all of this because this is what I’d want to be sharing with Jefferson (and I guess I am sharing it with him since I know he’s reading).  He got my excitement (or was really good at patronizing me about all my art geekiness).  I miss having him there to run to excited and wanting to share what cool new thing I learned.

I remember the hurt and frustration, but I also remember the love and happiness.  And the fun, playful times (like the time I got him hogtied at Shibaricon and then tickled him and tortured his nipples, hehe).  And the tender times (like when he’d just hold me and lay with me when I was having a bad week and just needed his warmth to feel better).

Maybe we could be friends.  Maybe we couldn’t.  I don’t know.  It’s probably not all that important.  I don’t even know if being friends is even a good idea.  I just wish I knew what it took to be less sad about everything.  And if all it takes is time, well then hurry the fuck up.

New City

“Have you ever been to Chicago before?” I asked Jefferson as we neared Chicago.
“Yes, for work once.”

I nodded and turned back to look out the window and glorious Lake Michigan.

A few minutes later I turned to him, “Oh I’ll be having sex in a new state!”
“Very exciting!”
A pause. “Did you have sex when you were in Chicago?” I asked.
“You know, I was just thinking about that. I didn’t.”
“It’s a new city for both of us!”

I checked us into the room as Jefferson grabbed the bags. We went straight to the room and after checking out the unappealing view outside our window for a requisite minute, we turned to each other and started to kiss.

Jefferson’s arms wrapped tight around me as we kissed deeply. His hands reached for my shirt and pulled it over my head, tossing it to the ground, my bra following suit. I pulled his t-shirt over his head next, rubbing my hands over his skin and kissing his chest. I pulled him against me and walked us to the bed falling back with him on top of me.

We kissed more before managing to get our pants off.

Jefferson laid down on the bed and I settled between his legs and took his cock in my mouth.

I was deep into my blow job when there was a knock on the door. Of course it was the hotel staff with the mini-fridge I had requested. Jefferson got up and dressed quickly as I crawled under the covers. It only took a moment before the fridge was plugged in and Jefferson was back in bed with me.

He grabbed a condom and pushed himself into me. My legs wrapped around him pulling him deeper into me.

We fucked for hours that evening like so many times before. The sun had already set when I had settled between his legs for him to finish in my mouth (because yes Mariel, blowjobs do end that way ). I settled in his arms as we caught our breath and made plans for dinner.

I’m Back!

I’m back from Shibaricon in Chicago!

I had such a wonderful time.  And I’m sure plenty to say.

But I’m so exhausted.

Must sleep!

Spreadsheet Fool

I’ve been a spreadsheet making fool these past couple of weeks. I made one the other week when figuring out how much it would cost to go to Shibaricon. I half did it for me to see what the cost would be, I also half did it for Jefferson’s sake, who I’m dragging along (for my benefit as I want him to learn mad rope skills). He says I’ve found my calling somewhere between running a business and negotiating Jefferson. Yep, sounds about right.

If one thing’s for sure, I’m damn good at making lists and budgets. I made different calculations of whether to include air fare, or if we stayed 3 nights instead of 4, or if we drove. God I’m so glad I learned my algebra and basic arithmetic. You really do need this stuff when you grow up!

(If you drive 1600 miles round trip and your car gets approximately 25mpg, how much do you spend on gas when it’s 3.15/gal? Can you figure that out?)

Then tonight I worked on a list (yes, instead of studying) for my photography getting different prices for products I need to make pictures and then I worked out basically the approximate cost per image based on different sizes.

By the way, this business stuff is hard- which I mentioned before, but I was chatting with Jocasta who has her rope store and was giving me pointers. I guess I should maybe file for a Tax ID? I dunno- I’d have to think hard about making this into a serious business rather than just a little side venture. Because I don’t have any capital for overhead (other than my parents, and I don’t know how willing they’d be to front more money than they just have for this first batch of supplies).

I guess every business starter faces this dilemma- can I afford to fail? In my case, no I can’t really afford it.

I think what I’ll do is start with baby steps. If I can sell at least 25 prints through you guys and through people I know in real life, then I’ll take the next step and start a small website.

So, I think for the near future, I’ll deal with purchases on a more informal basis- once I make some work to sell (after Christmas at the earliest), I’ll set up a dedicated blog, or page, or something to list what’s available and what the prices are, then people can e-mail me and we can just do the transaction through PayPal.

I guess I kind of have a good head for business, huh? Provided people buy my photographs, I have the potential to be decently successful here! (And really, a lot of the success lies in getting people to want my art!)

Plus, I think I get off a little bit on making spreadsheets. Just saying.