Life, Love, Sex

Crossing the Atlantic

My one goal before I came to France was really to get laid here. I really couldn’t ignore that conquest.

(My goal once I got here was to drink more water and break my habit of soda.)

Well, I have zero skills when it comes to picking up (or being picked up) in bars, so I took the easy way out- Adult Friend Finder. It’s been my friend for many years now.

And it even works in France!

I put up an ad as soon as I got here because I know these things can take time. I had to wait for someone cute to e-mail me and then it’s always the back and forth. And I don’t think everyone even read my profile because I got countless e-mails in French. Hello- no parle francais! (Yes, I know.)

But anyways, Pierre e-mailed me last week and I guess I just glanced over it without much notice, but for some reason took notice this weekend when he e-mailed again. He offered to show me around the town on his scooter. That sounded fun (if not death defying!).

So I e-mailed him back and we quickly made plans for yesterday.

I was to meet him at a near by square in the evening and he would be with his black and silver scooter. Easy enough, right?

Wrong!

I got to the square a little early because it’s only like a 5 minute walk, if that, but I had a lot of nervous energy, so I just went to go early. Well, after a few minutes I noticed someone on the other side of the square with a (big) black and silver scooter (I suppose it was closer to a motorcycle) and he was clearly waiting for someone. I couldn’t see the face from far away, so I got up and started walking towards him and when I got closer I saw that it was a much older man than who I was meeting (Pierre was only 35).

It couldn’t be him.

I didn’t want it to be him!

But for a good 20 minutes I was convinced he was my date. How much could I really tell about someone’s looks from a tiny picture on the computer?? And people lie…

I was so convinced I started to walk away but was stopped just in time by the real Pierre!

Who was a 35 year old boy. No lie. (I always seem to like the older guys with boyish qualities about them.) He was cute though- tan skin, brown hair, big round brown eyes.

After brief introductions, we decided on an itinerary for the night. I hadn’t seen Villefranche yet, so we would go there.

But first, a beautiful look out point.

By way of scooter! He handed me his extra helmet, and my only request was that he not drive too much like a French person. (In hindsight, going on the scooter together is a good way to get physically close very quickly!)

And the look out point- my God was it stunning, looking over the Baie des Anges (Bay of Angels) and all of Nice. And from what I could tell when we weren’t making out, it would be a great place to take pictures!

Making out at a beautiful look out point- now that’s the kind of memories study abroad trips are made of!

Our plans for the evening changed as things started to get a little hot and heavy. We decided to go to his place and order pizza in. (Hey, a free meal is a free meal. Have you seen the conversion rate???!!!!)

It was about a 20 minute ride to his place as he was in the newer part of Nice. He had a small little apartment- very French.

Once the pizza was ordered, the action started.

Score 1 for the French on foreplay! It’s been a long time since I was kissed and stroked all over before the actual disrobing (or even once disrobed for that matter).

And then after all the sweet kissing and slow removal of my clothing- he went down on me. That’s right! You read it here folks! (Sorry, I’m writing this before going out and I “pre-gamed” a bit (it’s too expensive to drink out otherwise!)).

It wasn’t too shabby. He fingered me too. Licked my ass a bit. Even stuck a finger up there (I do hate having fingers up my butt though for some reason).

And then- the sex.

All 5-8 minutes of it?

*Sigh*

And he had such a beautiful cock too.

Well the pizza came and *sigh* it was neither Italian nor NY quality. Oh well.

We watched a bit of French TV.

And then round 2.

And round 3.

Really, he gets a gold star for effort.

The cuddling was nice though. He was very much a sweet guy.

And I’m hoping soon I won’t think about Jefferson during sex anymore. That would be quite nice. *Headdesk* (I just have to remind myself how the quality of our sex life seriously (and I mean seriously) diminished this winter…)

I hope this is semi-coherent. I shall reread it tomorrow.

But for now, I have some celebrating to do. And some firemen to make out with. And God I’d love to get in another fuck.

I know, I’m such a slut.

But duh, you all knew that.

New City

“Have you ever been to Chicago before?” I asked Jefferson as we neared Chicago.
“Yes, for work once.”

I nodded and turned back to look out the window and glorious Lake Michigan.

A few minutes later I turned to him, “Oh I’ll be having sex in a new state!”
“Very exciting!”
A pause. “Did you have sex when you were in Chicago?” I asked.
“You know, I was just thinking about that. I didn’t.”
“It’s a new city for both of us!”

I checked us into the room as Jefferson grabbed the bags. We went straight to the room and after checking out the unappealing view outside our window for a requisite minute, we turned to each other and started to kiss.

Jefferson’s arms wrapped tight around me as we kissed deeply. His hands reached for my shirt and pulled it over my head, tossing it to the ground, my bra following suit. I pulled his t-shirt over his head next, rubbing my hands over his skin and kissing his chest. I pulled him against me and walked us to the bed falling back with him on top of me.

We kissed more before managing to get our pants off.

Jefferson laid down on the bed and I settled between his legs and took his cock in my mouth.

I was deep into my blow job when there was a knock on the door. Of course it was the hotel staff with the mini-fridge I had requested. Jefferson got up and dressed quickly as I crawled under the covers. It only took a moment before the fridge was plugged in and Jefferson was back in bed with me.

He grabbed a condom and pushed himself into me. My legs wrapped around him pulling him deeper into me.

We fucked for hours that evening like so many times before. The sun had already set when I had settled between his legs for him to finish in my mouth (because yes Mariel, blowjobs do end that way ). I settled in his arms as we caught our breath and made plans for dinner.

Lap of Luxury

I first met Chris when I was 19 and escorting. He came to see me one afternoon in my nondescript NJ hotel room for an hour of sex. I guess you could say he got a lot more. We both did. In that very first hour together there was a chemistry between us that was just palpable. And the sex was amazing.

At one point, while we were still fucking, he picked me up off the bed and carried me over to the desk. H-O-T.

Then one night I was stuck in my hotel after my car died (that same night I first met Connor actually) and Chris came to visit me late at night after he got in from a long flight. That was so sweet of him.

And every time I saw him he’d always give me some cash, even though I wasn’t officially charging him. Loved that.

Around the time that I started seeing Jefferson though, I chewed him out for ignoring me between seeing each other. We didn’t see each other often- by any measure. He traveled- a lot. And I was fine with that. And I was fine with not talking often even because even though I liked him, I really didn’t have anything invested in the relationship. But I would have liked a response when I sent an e-mail every couple of months. Because it was obnoxious to be ignored but have him pop up out of the blue and want to see me. So I told him that if he wanted to treat me like a whore, I would treat him like a john and charge him.

He apologized for treating me badly and gracefully exited my life. (If only all break ups could be that easy! Jefferson could take a lesson from Chris in knowing when to take a hike.)

I barely gave him a second thought over the past 2 years. Until this spring when I thought about cash I might need for France. I know, totally shallow. At least I can admit it, right?

Well, we IMed a bit over the past few months but never managed to connect because of traveling schedules- his and mine. And France was coming up so I didn’t think it’d happen until at least August.

But Friday night we managed to throw together last minute plans. He was to be in Boston all this week and wanted me to come up and see him. I didn’t really think I had time since my week was partially full as it was. But then he offered to fly me up. (Who flies to Boston?)

So we made it happen.

And then we spent the rest of the night flirting like crazy talking about what we wanted to do when we got together. Ideas were thrown out- another girl, rope, ass play (his ass). All I knew was I would be packing a fun carry on bag.

Monday came quickly and I packed my bags and made a pit stop at Target for some thigh highs and took off for the airport. I decided to splurge on airport parking since I would only be there for a day, plus I was getting reimbursed (though I still chose the economy lot). So a short plane ride (really short! I mean, who flies to Boston?!) and cab ride later I was standing in front of his hotel room door (a Westin in case you’re curious).

Chris grabbed me and kissed me as soon as I walked in the door. I didn’t even get a chance to set my bag down.

I’d forgotten how cute he was. And how tall too!

He no longer had glasses (laser eye surgery) and was so much more buff! Damn!

We spent the next few hours alternating between catching up and making out. I’ve learned he’s moved up in his company. Way up. He went to the Super Bowl! Where the Giant’s won! Where the Giants beat the Patriots! He was there! Sooo jealous.

He’ll be playing golf with Amani Toomer and Brandon Jacobs Friday and Monday- a work thing.

Plus the All-Star Game and cocktails with Don Mattingly. Another work thing.

Of course he had to share how much he was making these days (to some extent). Last year his commission was 1.19 million. Ho-lee fuck!

So of course for dinner we ordered room service. A $500 escort for dessert. And raided the mini-bar for a movie stack.

Yes, we hired an escort. It was kinda fun. A totally new experience for me! I’ve never been on the client side! It was such an ordeal though. It took us an hour to find someone we liked, that would play with a girl, and did outcall. Then we had to get the cash for her. But the ATM (MAC machine he calls it) in the lobby was broken. So we went out in the pouring rain in his ultra hot Audi. But the 1st bank had no cash. The 2nd one’s doors wouldn’t open. Finally we got lucky at the 3rd bank. But it took so long we thought she’d get there first and leave!

And we were half right. She was out in the hall, almost about to leave just as we got back.

She was pretty- blonde, tiny figure, big boobs, mid-30s I think. She wore a little too much eye make-up though. And she was very giggly. I half wondered if she was on E…

The main focus of the night was the two of us getting it on- Chris’s fantasy. I was happy to indulge. I do enjoy the girly touch.

I had fun with her. We went down on each other (with saran wrap, another first) and I fucked her with my strap-on. One of the hardest fucks. I got her off a few times. Hehe. God fucking is so exhausting. I don’t know how guys do it. We really do have the easy part.

Chris loved it though. He was in total guy heaven. He mostly just sat back and watched, though got some head from her. Said I was better. (Well, duh.)

After our time with her was up, he and I continued to fool around. We fucked for a little bit before he practically begged me to fuck his ass. How could I say no?

I put on my smaller dick, for a first timer. And I got around to putting on my thigh highs as well. The fucking was tricky. It went as well as a first time could be expected I suppose. The angle was hard, and there wasn’t enough light for me, so I pulled the dildo out of it’s ring and started using it by hand and that went slightly better. I switched to my fingers when he said it was too much, but then he said it reminded him of going to the doctors. (Apparently he’s been milked by his doctor! WTF???)

After that we fucked a bit more and he ended by cumming all over me.

To be honest, the sex was sub-par that night. Which isn’t what it’s been in the past. Hopefully that’ll change next time. I mean, I had fun, and I enjoyed being with him, it just wasn’t enough to get off on.

After sex we put on a movie and cuddled and stuff.

Fuck I’d forgotten how much I liked him. And wow do I like him.

Handsome. Rich. A total man’s man yet still caring, giving, and sensitive. *Gush*

Except. But. Here it comes.

He’s 41. Which I don’t give a fuck about. But he can’t let it go. At all. He’s constantly with the “if onlys.” If only I were older and he were younger. If only it were different. It bugs me so much; partly because he’s constantly going on about it. Even during sex! It just sucks because it’s obviously not something I can change. And he won’t just drop it.

What can I do, right?

I guess I can let him spoil me. I could certainly get used to him flying me out to see him when he’s away on business. And the cash he gives me to help me out. And even just having him tell me I’m beautiful and amazing (a girl can never hear that enough).

I don’t know when I’ll see him again unfortunately. Hopefully in August before he has shoulder surgery.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

And toes.

Because man do I like him.

A Need to Be Filled

I had woken up horny. Jefferson had fucked me to satisfaction that morning, but after showering and falling back asleep I woke up wanting to come again. I was on my own though as Jefferson had come that morning and was busy doing work at that point.

“I’m horny. Your toys are in their usual spot?”
“Yes, honey.”

I went into the cupboard and pulled out the Hitachi and gold box with various toys in it. I started out with just the Hitachi but it didn’t take long for me to realize I was going to need more than that to get off. I pulled a dildo from the box and covered it with a condom and slipped it inside me. I tried again with the wand. Nope, my ass needed something too. I grabbed the big red butt plug and slipped that inside me too.

Ahh, that was much better.

I put the Hitachi against my clit and just relaxed, letting the orgasm come to me in it’s own time.

When I came, I tensed up and cried out as my pussy and ass spasmed and tightened around the toys in me. I shut the toy off once I was finished, fully satisfied.

I came back out and relayed the events to Jefferson, claiming it was a “need to be filled kind of day.”

“I’m making progress you know,” I thought to him.
“How’s that?”
“Well, 2 years ago I would never talk about how I get off, but now I can. Though I still won’t let anyone watch.”
“Maybe one day,” he mused.

What I learned for next time

I think the one thing I learned from this party was to not make so much food!

I should keep dinner parties and orgies separate I think.

Next time I’ll be inviting more people. I kept the guest list fairly small for the first time. I invited my closest friends- you know, the ones that love me enough to give me a 2nd chance had this party bombed. But it went so well! And everyone said they had a good time! And yes, they loved all the food.

I was so Susie Homemaker it was insane. The house was immaculate when people arrived and I had dinner all prepped and ready to go. The veggies were cut and put on cute fish platters (it’s a shore house!). The keilbasa was cut and ready to go in the oven. The corn was husked and the water in the pot ready to be boiled. Hamburgers formed and ready to be grilled!

All I needed were the people!

Match and Prince arrived first from DC and we hung out and chatted for awhile while we waited on the others.

But the others didn’t come for awhile.

Adam called and said he had a flat on the parkway, just a few exits from me. So he, Emma (his fiancée), and Rachel (his girlfriend) would be a little bit.

And then I called Jefferson who was driving down with Callie and her boyfriend and they were lost, but in the town, so not far. So they would be there soon as well.

Jocasta and Zelda weren’t coming until around 9.

That’s ok. I wasn’t on schedule, but I could adapt. I’m flexible.

(Insert minor anxiety attack).

Eventually everyone came around 8:30 and I immediately started to put dinner up. I banished Jefferson to the grill (in the 90 heat, yes) as I set the table and got everyone drinks.

I had a lovely spread on the table and it wasn’t long before we sat down for a fun dinner. I took the head of the table, which I never do, but felt it was my place as the hostess. Someone called for a toast, but I don’t have much experience, so Adam led a lovely toast to me for having everyone over for a great night.

To me! Cheers

Of course as soon as we started eating Jocasta and Zelda arrived so I hurried to get them plates and chairs.

When dinner was finished I managed to clear the table in record time (shhh, don’t tell my mom). Though I had plenty of help (as much as I protested!).

Then it was play time! I changed into my corset as the party started getting rolling.

Zelda had brought some of her dungeon furniture so we mused over where to set it all up. The massage table ended up in the kitchen, the double cross near the side door, and the suspension rig in the living room.

Jo tied me up to begin the night with. She wanted to practice what she’d do this week for a photo shoot we’ll be doing together. My 1st time in front of a camera! Though, as a photographer, I’m totally geeking over the fact it’s going to be an 8×10 camera the photographer is using!

The tie was cool, though she tried to get up on one foot and that just wasn’t happening. She wrapped rope around my eyes as well as part of it (per the photographer), but I couldn’t see so I had her undo it so I could check out the rope job in the mirror.

Match started having his fun when Zelda asked him to pierce her.

Callie was happy cumming and being spanked at the hand of her boy, Zach.

Rachel was busy being hit on by Jefferson.

Everyone was having fun and I was so happy for that.

But damn if I wasn’t pooped already! I hadn’t gotten much sleep Friday night and woke up semi-early on Saturday to do last minute cleaning. I vacuumed, mopped, chopped, washed dishes, washed counters and repeated both a few times. I made beds, threw random things in closets, ran last minute food shopping, and waited anxiously for everyone to arrive. On time.

It occurred to me as I was cleaning up from dinner (and washing dishes yet again) that once everyone left, I’d have to clean yet again. D’oh! Though not quite as much thankfully.

Eventually it got late. You know, like 3am. Jo and Zelda had already packed up and headed home (Zelda can’t sleep in a strange place), Prince already fell asleep out on the porch (he liked the warm weather) so I started tucking people into beds.

Match was a help, making sure everyone was comfortable with everything they needed. When everyone was settled he and I retired to my room. We settled in bed and he cuddled into me and apologized for neglecting to really touch me all night as it wasn’t his intention. I assured him it was fine as I went down on his cock. I assured him it was really fine as he made me cum 5 or 6 times that night before we fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up, mostly because I heard stirring about and knew that if people were up, I’d need to start on breakfast.

I cleaned up a few dishes from the night before before starting the water for the potatoes and slicing up the watermelon. I had plans to make home fries from scratch (which, by the way I’d never made before). As the potatoes boiled I started cooking the peppers and onions which my sous-chef Zach had offered to chop (I won’t turn down someone’s offer to chop the onion!). Once the potatoes were in the pan, I put Jefferson on bacon duty. Once the potatoes were done I did the eggs. I’m telling you- Susie Homemaker!

The icing on the cake was the danish I had gotten that I was raving about all night and morning.

We had another lovely meal and cleaned up minimally before heading to the beach! In a heat wave!!

It was fun though. Callie’s going to be bummed she missed out I think. She and Zach had to leave with Jefferson because he had “work” to do.

Everyone went in the water, like all the way. Except me. Because I’m not crazy. Water was COLD! Except it was so hot, I did have to put my feet in to cool off a bit.

Eventually it was time to go as Match and Prince needed to head on the road.

So all and all it was a great party.

The Bulletpoints of Friday’s Awesome Party

So, as I mentioned, I went to a fun party Chez Adam this weekend, and since I’m short on time right now (wanting the vacate the dorm ASAP), I’ll give a little list of some of the cool stuff I did:

• Was the available slut to anyone who wanted that night
• Got to fuck a pretty girl done up in fancy rope bondage
• Got singletailed
• Got fucked a lot
• Did a fun breath play/knife scene with someone
• Had lots of fun with breath play in general that night (including an awesome thing that I want to write in a little more detail)
• Nipples got tortured that night, so eventually Jesus was called upon to protect them (they got covered by some Jesus tape)
• My nipples used as video game controllers, lol

Hope that ties you all over for a little bit!

Fight or Flight

I had just walked through the door and put my purse down when he snapped his fingers and told me to kneel in front of him.

And that’s when it started- the brutality.

It couldn’t have lasted more than 20 or 30 minutes but it was intense.  His hands and teeth dug into me hard; grabbing my flesh; twisting; pulling; threatening to tear it off.  I tried to fight him.  I cried as I pushed his hands away and tried to squirm away only to be defeated as he grabbed my hair and slapped me again and again.

His hands grabbed my throat and squeezed hard.  And kept squeezing.  My brain started to get fuzzy.  My limbs started to feel like lead.  And then he let go and all went back to normal.

Fuck that was cool, I wanted him to do it again.  A brief thought before his hands covered my mouth and nose making me struggle for breath.

I cried as he got me to beg him to fuck me and then when he made me confess that I liked him in my ass.

And then when he was done I came down from it all, exhausted from the sudden surge of adrenaline and endorphins, with my head in his lap as he stroked my hair.

He purred in my ear, “You’re such a good girl.”

DO Party and DC trip

Saturday night’s DO party was pretty awesometastic.

First I got down to DC in the mid-afternoon to chill with Desire a little bit. We were both pretty hungry so we soon headed out for something to eat- decided on a cute French bistro. Our meal was delicious. And the waitress cute. I totally felt like I was in France. We got a bottle of water, which was served only slightly cooler than room temperature (very French), and the bread and butter was out of this world. Really, I’ve never had butter that good.

Then the main course- chicken and fries. I was hoping it would be something like I had once in Paris, but it wasn’t quite like it. Good, but not the same. Though the fries were out of this world. Then for dessert I had profiteroles which were very yummy (though not as good as the way my mom makes them actually). It was very satisfying.

After we met up with Prince and a friend of his and drove out to the party. Match found us almost as soon as we walked in the door. And I’m always happy to see Match. Desire and I spent a little while just exploring the house and checking everything out.

The house was amazing. On the outside it was this totally normal suburban house, but once you got to the basement- holy fuck! It has to be one of the best home dungeons on the east coast. First there was all the toys and furniture. Floggers, whips, canes, bondage beds, tables, crosses and more. There was a fully stocked medical room. Cages. A little isolation room with doors for groping. And then the wet room- a beautifully tiled and huge shower area for all sorts of wet play.

It was enough to make your mouth water. (And yes I totally plan on having a kick ass dungeon like that one day too, lol).

Apparently the air conditioning had broken so the house got quite hot as the night went on. The basement became sauna like after so much play in the wet room.

I had myself a bunch of fun though. I was with Match in the medical room after he did a piercing on a guy (and was when I changed my mind about wanting to be pierced that night- it’s too scary!). He was sitting on the exam table and had me sit on the rolling stool, pulling me close to him. As he twittered, he pulled up his skirt for me to suck his cock which was already rock hard. Yum.

After sucking his cock for awhile Match had me stand up and take down my pants and undies. I leaned over the exam table and Match stood behind me and started fucking me. I moaned as it felt so good and watched us in the mirrored wall.

He moved to fuck my ass, spitting a bit on my whole and slid in effortlessly. He fucked me long and hard making me cum 4 or 5 times, without me even having to touch my clit. That was pretty intense. And awesome.

Later that evening Match hooked me up with a friend of his, a handsome man, XS. Match raved about my blowjob and insisted he try it. We found a spot in the dungeon, a bondage chair, which was perfect as it was almost like a throne for XS. A crowd gathered as I gave my best and impressed the socks off him, and even the crowd.

He fucked me as a thank you until my legs turned to jell-o.

Yum.

It was great seeing and playing with Match though, I feel like I hardly see or talk to him anymore.

Sunday started way too early when Desire’s cats woke us up numerous times. Eventually we rolled out of bed and met Prince for brunch and lounging in the grass. We passed a maypole thing and a guy tried to get me and Desire to sit under it because they only had heterosexual couples. Um, did we look like a couple? I mean, I suppose we could have. We declined though since we were meeting Prince. I took some pictures though (reminding myself to look at them).

After eating Desire and I went back to her place to chill a few hours before my bus where I passed out. I needed a nap so badly.

The bus ride home was a bummer- there was no internet. Though I started a new book which I’m already on page 300 (of 600).

The trip was great though- it was a nice little getaway with all the craziness the end of the school year brings.

Look, but don’t touch

All year long now I’ve had the hots for my roommate. She is just so gorgeous. I have to contain myself when ever she’s changing.

Bad bisexual roommate! I know.

But if you saw her, you’d understand.

She’s got this amazing figure. Tiny- like a size 4. Except she’s no stick. She’s got these amazing curves. A nice hourglass figure. A soft, cuddly belly. A great booty and nice legs. And then to top it all off, gorgeous 32DDs. I’m telling you, if I had a “type” for girls, she would be the embodiment of it.

I could suck on those tits or go down on her all night. Easily. And then I’d want to cuddle for the rest of the night. Cause she’s my roomie!

She’s so straight thought. Boo. Trust me, in the time that I’ve known her, she just ain’t budging.

But so last night, the next best thing to sleeping with her happened.  I got to find out what it sounds like when she’s fooling around!

She and her boyfriend came in late after going out and grabbing a few drinks and started fooling around, thinking I was fast asleep!

I didn’t see anything, but I heard most of it.  And that was so fucking hot.  I heard her get off  twice.  *Groan*

It was a little bit of an awkward position for me.  Should I have said something in the very beginning and totally killed their fun?  But once it got started I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want them knowing I could hear them.  And I won’t say anything now that it’s after the fact.

I might not get to hear it again if I do

God that’s so pervy of me.  But dude, they’ve got it coming if they’re going to take that risk.

Now all I know is I’m seriously craving some pussy and tits.  Like hardcore.

I’d give anything to get even just one night with my roommate.  Bah.

Keep dreaming.  *Sigh*

It Occurred To Me

A story unlocked in brain just now.

When I was 18 I did a stint of trying out a lot of 1st dates with guys from Yahoo Personals.

I somehow managed to strike out with some total dweebs.

Come to think of it I really had terrible luck there.

Case in point, this guy:

He was a few years older- mid 20s and lived the next town over from where I worked. After chatting online and on the phone for a bit we made plans for him to stop in the store where I worked to say hi and meet face to face briefly. He never showed up, though he said he did and chickened out.

Hrmm…perhaps.

But nonetheless we scheduled a date. We were supposed to go bowling. But the bowling alley was so smokey and gross so we wound up at a movie. Ocean’s 12 I believe. We had a nice enough time. Though 3 years later nothing really even sticks out about him or the date. We parted ways in front of his house at the end of the night; I’m pretty sure there was a good night kiss.

A few days later while chatting he wanted to know why I didn’t come in at the end of the night.

Um, because you didn’t ask me!

Seriously! Some boys! I was no prude, even at 18. And even though I wasn’t so terribly into him I would’ve fucked him if he asked. My standards were much lower then.

But my mind was changed once he told me that didn’t actually want to date me because I was underage and couldn’t go out drinking with him and his friends. For real? Alright, that’s fine.

After that exchange what prompted me to go spend the night is beyond me. But I was a little desperate. I was in my dorm at the tail end of the semester, there were only about 3 or 4 days before I went home for Christmas break, and there was no heat- during a cold spell (I later learned I needed to request the heat be turned on). It was seriously so cold in my room I wore my coat and mittens to bed. I didn’t shower for a few days because I couldn’t bear the thought of being wet and naked in my 30 degree room. And when I did change in the morning, I turned the shower on high in the bathroom and got changed in the warm bathroom.

So when he offered me a reprieve from freezing for one night I jut snatched it up- with the knowledge I wasn’t interested in any hanky panky.

Oh how naive I was.

I was happy to curl up in a warm bed.

I wasn’t so happy when his finger ended up in my ass. (Side rant: What is it with men putting unlubed fingers up my ass?? It happened all the time when I was escorting, too.)

I don’t remember the events of the night very well. I remember going down on him and I remembered he smelled like ass- gag.

And I know I felt stupid for putting myself in that position.

And then it occurred to me just now thinking of this story, and reading people’s accounts lately of sexual assault that that’s what this was. I don’t remember anymore if I protested, and if I did, to what extent. But he used my cold room situation to his advantage. And God knows he had power over me since I was only 18, and a pretty naive one at that.

It’s odd to think it’s a night that doesn’t even stand out in my memory.

That one night with Ben made more of an impact- and that wasn’t even assault. He was just a jerk that made me feel cheap and used.

Then there was the night with the horrible orgy guest last year. And even though I didn’t want to use the exact language of assault or rape at that time, the fact is I had told the guy I wasn’t interested, however feebly, and he still put his dick in me. On more than one occasion.

Yet it barely fazes me. My attitude toward sex is no different. My attitude toward myself didn’t change. Why is that? What is it about me that can be completely unaffected by such violations?

Is it as simple as just saying I’m not prone to PTSD?

Does it have something to do with the emotional brick wall I’ve spent 20 years building up?

Unless of course someone might think it has affected me and I just don’t see it.

When I was a teenager I always assumed I’d fight back if I were put in a compromising situation. It’s almost taught to girls that if you’re grabbed in a dark alley it’s ok- and encouraged- to fight like hell. But they don’t teach us anything about what to do when it’s your date, or boyfriend- someone you know. And who would even think to teach about what the right thing to do at an orgy would be?

Then there’s the fact that I get all hot and bothered thinking of being able to do a rape scene- having the opportunity to fight back tooth and nail (though I want to lose in the end, otherwise where’s the fun?). Am I supposed to wonder whether it has to do with reclaiming power from the times I didn’t say no more clearly? I don’t, but it sometimes seems like I should.

I don’t even remember the name of that guy from 3 years ago. I didn’t even remember the night until today. And you know, that’s fine by me. Because I’d rather remember that hot sex I had last week, or the week before, or the week before, for the week before that.

I don’t have a code or anything, I couldn’t find a place to get one, but a lot of bloggers are writing for RAINN this month- with April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So please donate if you can, because so many more women out there need the help of caring individuals to overcome sexual assault. Visit rainn.org for details.