Life, Love, Sex

The Lyrics

There’s no real music video for this song, but it’s the lyrics I want you to pay attention to anyways.

They Weren’t There, by Missy Higgins

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

The Dirty Laundry

I’ve kept this issue to myself the past couple months as I didn’t really want to cause unnecessary drama or feed the gossip mongers or haters.

Maybe I should start with the back story?

Most people know that sometimes I get jealous in my relationship with Jefferson. It’s a normal human emotion, no biggie. Some people know most of this jealousy is directed towards one woman in particular- and it’s been there since almost day 1 since I started seeing him.

It’s for the most part been a quiet jealousy. I’ve occasionally acted out because of it, but it’s something I’ve definitely come to terms with and has gotten even quieter in more recent months. (Not that I don’t still love to bitch about her to anyone that will listen…)

But lately I’ve been getting more and more jealous of someone else. (Who these people are isn’t really important). And it’s really been putting an incredible strain on mine and Jefferson’s relationship. There were a few times these last 3 months where I really didn’t think we were going to make it.

I still have no idea what’s going to happen to us.

Something’s changed between us. And something else needs to change, because I can’t go on the way we are right now. Our relationship is disintegrating before my eyes and I just feel powerless to stop it.

That’s where this new therapist comes in. To give some fresh eyes on the situation.

It’s not just about the jealousy too though. I mean, that’s a big part of it- it’s changing the way we’re talking to each other (and not a good change obviously), and it’s changing the trust between us. Though of course I shouldn’t speak for Jefferson, but I would imagine he doesn’t have the most confidence I can keep my jealousy to myself (read: not act out). And I don’t trust he won’t attack me even when I calmly express my emotions (which I am capable of).

And that’s what happened last week. Ugh, but see, I’ve grown a little and I’m hesitant to put this on the internet now.

Well, let’s come back to it. Maybe the exact details don’t really matter.

But long story short, Thursday morning we were put in crisis mode. It felt like we were over. Like a line had been crossed and I wouldn’t be able to get over it. I felt attacked and even the mere thought of Jefferson repulsed me.

And that’s how I started my weekend at Winter Fire (thank God though he didn’t go). And the only thing I was concerned with was going to the Jealousy in Poly Relationships class. Because I know that with my jealousy this intense, it’s going to destroy our relationship very, very quickly. It’s close to destroying me.

Because, duh, I hate being jealous. I hate feeling this way. It eats away at me inside. It makes me moody and snippy and sad. I cry; I get nauseous. It’s really no picnic.

Anita Wagner, who taught the class, says it’s not about getting rid of jealousy all together, but more about managing it, and resolving issues causing it.

And after telling a bit of my story, she also thinks that there are larger issues between us.

Oh man that was such a hard class for me to sit through. The tears started trickling about as soon as I sat down. Though the real water works started when I talked about what was going on.

I don’t even remember half of it- it all happened so quickly and I was crying and I was just trying my best to take it all in.

I made some nice realizations though. One was that it’s even clearer that what Jefferson does isn’t real poly. He’s just a slut. Not taking into consideration anyone’s feelings.   And it’s nice to know that one day when I get into more serious relationships and want to do poly, I get to have more say in my relationship.

It was also reiterated what the best step is to help move past my jealousy- it’s also a really hard step for me right now that I don’t think I’m ready for. It’s…oh God…to become friendly with these women. Gah. I know.

Because I have no real contact with them it’s just been very easy for me to demonize them. I’ve invested so much into hating them- it’s going to take a bit of work to undo that. Even to the point of just striking up a correspondence (having lunch, as some suggested, is just not in the near future).

Of course all of this is happening at a really crappy time for Jefferson- with the move and everything happening at warped speed. And I’m of course concerned and more than sympathetic with what’s going on. But my feelings are happening too. And I need Jefferson to accept that and be more tolerant.

I know that our relationship is finite- it’s meant to end. But it doesn’t have to end now, and I really don’t want it to end on bad terms, at any point in time.

But if Jefferson and I can’t change the way we communicate with each other and find a way to reconnect, then I really can’t see myself staying. There’s really no point. I have no room for bad relationships in my life.

There’s probably more I could cover, but I’ll have plenty to write about tomorrow after my 1st session.

So until then…

Longing for Yesterday

I think a lot of situations in life can be expressed in Beatles songs.

You know I heart Jason, but a lot of those performances were atrocious this week, yes including his. But Syesha just did a phenomenal job with “Yesterday.”

Her version is what I’m really connecting with right now- as I really wish I could go back to yesterday.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

“Don’t Let me Down” is after the cut…
Read more »

Skin on Skin

I have so much to write about- there are at least 7 stories I have jotted down that I want to tell. Canings, fistings, dates. And then more randomness I want to write.

But where do I end up starting? With more recent events as it so happens.

It’s because of his skin. Jefferson’s skin- it’s so intoxicating to me. As soon as I feel his skin against mine, my head swoons and I can feel my muscles instantly relax, the blood rushing to the surface. My skin tingles and every brush of his fingertips or nibble and bite rushes through me like a zing of electricity.

I hadn’t seen him, or any of my friends for that matter, for weeks because of how much school work I had to do. The first thing I thought when we got naked was how much I missed his skin. And damn we fucked so good that day. I came half a dozen or so times.

I asked him for a back massage as it was so tight from all the work I’d been doing: spending hours in the dark room or hunched over my desk painting precise lines. God that massage was quite delicious. “I’m going to give you such a good blow job after this,” I said in the middle of my bliss. He just laughed.

But I wasn’t kidding. I’d been wanting cock in my mouth for almost 2 weeks at that point. And I sucked it like it was the last time I’d ever get to suck cock. And Jefferson came hard; so hard. God I love that.

He calls me his orgasm cookie, you know. It’s a name he came up with awhile ago, because Jefferson doesn’t generally end up coming a lot, yet he usually does with me. I have good timing I guess.

Then he took me to lunch and fed me (thanks naked Australian girls!). He almost played match maker, wanting to pair the little old ladies on our left with the little old men on our right. It would have been quite a coupling- so many walkers!

It had only been a few days the next time I saw him, but I missed his skin no less. I had to stop myself from devouring it.

“I love you so much,” I whispered as I kissed him gently.
“You’re so good to me, baby,” he replied moving his mouth to mine.

Soon he was rock hard and fucking me. He held me close and I buried my nose in his neck inhaling his scent. Mmm, coffee. It was gentle and sweet, the way we make love. I was slightly distracted by something on my mind, so wasn’t too concerned with chasing my orgasm at first. I just wanted Jefferson close to me. He went to push up on his arms to get a different angle and I suddenly clutched him, “Don’t leave me,” running through my head. It surprised me but I brushed it aside. Jefferson’s cock had found my g-spot, so I had a new distraction.

I was noisy as I came a few times like this before pulling him to me to kiss. We fucked slowly some more before taking a cuddle break. We talked about our plans for the rest of the day- a caning, a blow job and lunch.

Before the caning, we just had to fuck some more. He had me turn over and he fucked me briefly as he smeared some lube on my ass. I moaned into the bed as he pushed into my ass and started thrusting. It took me a few minutes to adjust, but once I had, I quickly moved toward orgasm. I moved my hand between my legs and rubbed my clit quickly, bringing myself to exquisite pleasure. That’s pretty hokey, but damn it was good.

“That was fun, I wanna do that again!” I thought to myself. (No lie!)

“What was that?” he asked me.
“What do you mean ‘what was that?’”
“Did you just come from having your ass fucked? Such a slut.”

Mmm. And then I came again, rubbing my clit even harder than before. And then I kicked him off me, having reached my limit. I was face down on the bed as I heard him change condoms but moved right back into kneeling position as I saw him roll the new condom on.

“Good girl,” he said pushing into me.

My hands gripped the sheets as he fucked me hard, hitting against my g-spot over and over again making me cum countless times. When I was sticky puddle of goo, he pulled out to fetch his cane.

But there was something else I wanted.

“Fist me?” I asked him. “If we can.”
“Oh there’s no if.”

He squirted some lube in his hand and with a few fingers went straight for my g-spot. Motherfuck it was good. I was instantly wailing as he rubbed it hard and fast. I nearly lost it as he added his thumb to my clit. All of a sudden he pulled his hand out and dumped a bunch of goo from his hand onto my chest. I thought it was lube, but nuh uh, that came from me Jefferson said! I squirted and didn’t even know it. (A little anticlimactic for me, lol.)

He put his fingers back into me and added more until he had all five in up to the knuckles. I breathed hard, concentrating on relaxing and opening up as much as possible for him. I felt Jefferson push his hand in further and I started to scream as his hand made it’s way fully inside me. I’m sure the neighbors heard me. I covered my mouth as I continued to scream into it as my pussy spasmed around his cock, getting used to the intrusion. It eventually relaxed and I told to Jefferson to move his hand some, but damn my cervix kept getting in the way.

It was so intense having Jefferson in me like that. I loved it. I opened my eyes every so often to stay connected with him. He came in to give me a kiss, but it put us at an awkward angle. Eventually it was the right time for him to pull out. Coming out hurt a bunch less than going in, lol.

He came to me and kissed me deep and started to fuck me again. He held me firmly as I came a few more times.

I eventually made him stop because I had to pee. When I came back from the bathroom his cane was out and ready. I laid face down at the foot of the bed and he started with the light tapping that just sends me into my happy place. He mixed in a few stingy swats as I started to warm up. Soon there was a succession of hard snaps on my ass making me moan and writhe on the bed. As they got harder, I reached for Jefferson’s leg and wrapped my arm around it. He rubbed my hair as he landed his hardest strike making me yelp and jump.

He walked around the bed tapping me at a different angle before grabbing a pillow and dropping it in front of the chair he sat in. I got up and kneeled before him, pressing my face into his chest briefly before kissing my way down to his cock. I sucked him hard and deep making him cum in my mouth in a short amount of time.

“I like the pigtails, by the way,” Jefferson told me at one point that day.
“Thanks, Lolita liked them like that, so I thought I’d do it again.”
“Oh, are you seeing her later?”
“No, she just likes them.”

As we ate our roast duck over lunch, I said to Jefferson, “Did I ever tell you about the time I spent Christmas in Paris?”
“No, you didn’t!”
“Oh, well, I spent Christmas in Paris my freshman year of high school and we had duck for dinner. So then, did I tell you the time a fireman kissed me in Paris?”
“No, but please tell me you have pigtails in this story,” he smiled, teasing me.

We parted outside the restaurant, kissing and hugging each other goodbye for the last time this year.