Sleepy Writing
Avah | June 30, 2008
I wish I had more energy to write. I’m just finishing up with my obsession over the break up with Jefferson. Once I’m in France I really want to do my best to not give this any thought. I’m going an ocean away- I want all this to stay in NJ.
But for now, I want to indulge.
6 months ago, when every thing with Diva started, and the fights with Jefferson began, I started writing in a friend’s only LJ.
I half want to post what I wrote.
I was so distraught with everything that was going on. I was so out of control- I literally did not feel in control of my emotions and thoughts and behaviors and I felt so powerless to stop (acting out against D.). And it just snowballed. It kept getting worse. And it changed Jefferson and my’s relationship from there on out.
I didn’t get out of bed the weekend we had our first huge fight in February. I cried and cried because I thought I’d lost him forever. I nearly threw up from crying to hard.
I’d go back and do what I could to stop myself. I don’t feel sorry for what I’ve said to D. because of her, but because of how it’s affected me, and how it changed my relationship with Jefferson. Fuck, it changed me too.
This isn’t me. This hateful, vindictive person. I never used to be like this. And I certainly don’t want to remain like this.
I think going away will be good for me. I want it to be good for me. I need to break some of these habits.
I’m going to try really hard to not think, let alone write, about this while I’m in France. I wish I could just turn my brain off and make it easy.
I’m really, really sorry this all happened. And how it happened.
