Past and Future- Disconnect
Avah | April 18, 2008
Maybe I’m just feeling contemplative.
I’ve been thinking a bit about my past- high school and some unfinished business from then.
And my future. My relationships. Graduating.
I feel very disconnected from a lot of people these days. Some friendships have fallen to the wayside, as I generally expect to happen. It’s a little disheartening. Gia’s gone. Wendy’s gone. Noelle have barely spoken this year. My roommate and I will be parting ways in just 4 weeks. I don’t anticipate a relationship beyond that.
(These probably aren’t the best posts to write at 3am. With Mika’s “Any Other World” playing. Or perhaps it’s the best situation.)
Unfortunately I didn’t get to it until the tail end of my therapy session this week (which have been going well by the way), but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me. Or something.
I’ve never been able to keep friendships. I always just grew apart from people. I would contact people less and less and neither would they call. And then I just never felt a need to look back. Even with my best friends.
My relationship with Jefferson is one of my longest. A few more months and it’ll bypass my best friend from high school which lasted a little over 2 years I guess. Except I think I had a friend in grade school for like 3 years.
And even though I’m still attached to Jefferson something’s just changed. It’s like if he’s not in front of my face he doesn’t exist to me. I can’t feel it. I have to constantly remind myself how I feel about him because all I feel is like a distant memory of something. Like, “Oh yeah, that’s the guy I love so much. Almost forgot about him.”
I don’t know what that is.
I’ve stopped e-mailing unless I have something really pertinent to say. Which is fairly infrequent. Save for scheduling coffee or lunch with him around my therapy I’ve stopped asking for dates. Partly because I know he’s busy with the moving.
Partly because it just feels so superficial.
But it isn’t, right?
How can I feel such love and happiness when I’m with someone yet feel so disconnected when I’m not? Wouldn’t that mean that it’s just fake? And forced?
Can you fall out of love? I used to think you couldn’t. That if you stopped loving someone then maybe you never really loved them in the first place.
A part of me still loves Casi.
None of me loves Michael, nor do I believe I ever really did.
But I did fall in love with Jefferson. A couple times actually.
I don’t understand how it can feel so empty though. I don’t know what it means. And if I don’t know what it means does that mean I can’t fix it? If I can’t fix it will it happen again?
These are the things I think about. I suppose I worry and obsess too much. You should’ve seen how upset I would get before I picked a major. Part of it’s my upbringing I think- a fair amount of time spent in therapy. My 2 years at boarding school which provoked a lot of internal reflection. And now I’m back in therapy in order to tackle these things in me.
All I know is I don’t want to be alone. Maybe I should change it to not wanting to feel alone. Because there’s not a whole lot worse of a feeling than feeling lonely in a room full of people. I’ve been there. It stinks.
Of course at the same time I say I don’t want to be alone, I sit here with these walls heavily guarding me preventing me from any long term, meaningful bonding.
*Sigh*
Quite the predicament I’m in.
I think I must sleep now.
