Life, Love, Sex

Healing

It’s been 3 months now.  And only 3 months.  It feels like an eternity longer.  I spent the month of July not thinking much about it, which was good.  August I spent being angry.  Not so good.  And September I’ve been sad.

It’s not that I want Jefferson back in my life (at least the rational part doesn’t).  Believe you me, I don’t.  It’s just that I’m adjusting to something that was basically a constant in my life for 2 years being gone now.  For good, once and for all.  This isn’t like the other times.  We can’t talk and work things through.  We’re no longer a rock.  (Jefferson once described us as solid as a rock when we were going through a rough patch and I was thinking of leaving.)  We lost our strength a long, long time ago.

Not everything about being with Jefferson sucked.  Obviously, or I wouldn’t have stayed for so long.  I have plenty of blog entries here documenting the good times we shared.  And I think it’s perfectly logical and reasonable that I would miss those times.  Except for at the very end, I would still be excited to see him and spend time with him (and I was still shaving and wearing nice underwear too!).  That same giddy excitement I felt from day 1 lasted 2 years.  I loved how he used to touch me (though I’ve been missing that for longer than 3 months now) and I could never get enough of him.  I felt something for Jefferson that I really never experienced with anyone else.  And I can’t explain the hows or whys.  If I knew, I’d be torn between wanting to protect myself from ever letting it happen again, or searching for that kind of connection with another person.

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.  This isn’t what I had planned.

If anything, I should have stayed broken up with him the 1st time and then we wouldn’t be where we are now.  Not friends.  Not speaking.  Not in each other’s life.

The break-up was…awful.  But I was at my wit’s end.  Everything I was doing wasn’t helping to save our relationship (probably because I was the only one doing something).  The lies continued.  The distance between us grew further.

You know I never saw his new place?  He never makes dates, so of course I was never invited to see it.  And then since I was trying to be helpful, I was trying to give him space so he had time to move, unpack, write his book, etc.  But I was so hurt and infuriated when I started reading all these accounts of all these other people spending time with him.  Including new people.  This was days before our trip to Chicago.

It was that moment that I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I think I did a pretty good job of hiding that while in Chicago, if I do say so myself.

I guess I ended it like I did because I didn’t want a repeat of last summer’s break-up to happen (me going back to him).  I didn’t want to be manipulated back into the relationship.  I didn’t want to keep being hurt by his indifference to my feelings and his not taking any responsibility for his actions.

I don’t know what made this year different than last, but whatever I did successfully severed all ties.  Now we’re not even able to be friends.

Part of me wishes we could be.  I do miss just having him be in my life.  For even just the smallest reasons.

Thursday night I used a 4×5 view camera for the 1st time and really, really loved it.  It was so cool and so unlike any other photographic process I’ve done before.  It’s amazing how different cameras can be and how that can alter the photo taking a process.  My fully manual camera is so different from my auto-focus digital.  Using a TLR is different from an SLR.  And now I finally know the charms of a view camera.

I developed the film last night (tray development in complete darkness) and was so pleased with my images!!  I only took 4.  The 1st one was messed up because the camera moved on a shaky tripod, but other than that it was good exposure. The 2nd one I didn’t like because some things were out of focus and I think I may have had a bellow off center.  But the last 2 were really nice.  Great exposure, even density.  And nice pictures too!

Plus I was also shooting at night so I had to use my reciprocity failure chart and make sure I was metering correctly.  I think I might go out again tonight to shoot another building that I liked.  (I’m very into architecture, not sure why I haven’t pursued that more…)  And then Sunday night my classmate and I are going to go set up by the river to get the skyline (I’ll let her discover the hard way it’s cliche and not all that interesting, instead of bursting her excitement prematurely).

And I write all of this because this is what I’d want to be sharing with Jefferson (and I guess I am sharing it with him since I know he’s reading).  He got my excitement (or was really good at patronizing me about all my art geekiness).  I miss having him there to run to excited and wanting to share what cool new thing I learned.

I remember the hurt and frustration, but I also remember the love and happiness.  And the fun, playful times (like the time I got him hogtied at Shibaricon and then tickled him and tortured his nipples, hehe).  And the tender times (like when he’d just hold me and lay with me when I was having a bad week and just needed his warmth to feel better).

Maybe we could be friends.  Maybe we couldn’t.  I don’t know.  It’s probably not all that important.  I don’t even know if being friends is even a good idea.  I just wish I knew what it took to be less sad about everything.  And if all it takes is time, well then hurry the fuck up.

Heartache

Tomorrow I head to camp, and I couldn’t be more excited.  My cabin is going to rock- we’re the Panny FuxXx cabin- a whole bunch of young, pansexual, queer folk (so much so that I already feel so “straight” just in anticipation of cabining with them!).  Way awesome.  I only hope the weather holds out in our favor.  There’s a chance of rain each day, but only a 30% chance each day, so that’s not too bad.

I do get sad thinking about last year.  And not just last year camp (but yeah, sad thinking about last year camp), but last year fall/winter really.  (The time between Floating World and Winter Fire for all intents and purposes.)  I was so unbelievably happy last year- a happiness I didn’t even think was possible for me.  And of course that I’m doubtful I can achieve again.

I just had such amazing experiences, met so many new people, and made so many “great” “friends.”  But my trust has been so shattered, I don’t even want to dip my toe into making new friends.

I call this time of my life right now “Post-Winter Fire.”  After Viviane lashed out at me in a jealous temper tantrum, things haven’ t been the same.  And things have been 1,000 times worse since I spoke out against the FOJ campaign.  Well, it would make sense that the FOJ wouldn’t like me anymore.  Fair enough.  I don’t think Viviane ever liked me, and since she stabbed me in the back, there’s really no loss there.  (She really is just a wretched human being, honestly.)  Tilda and I were once friends, for like an hour.  But she chose to remove me from her blogroll and ignore me at Floating World.  Whatever.  No real sweat off my back.  Lolita and I “were never friends.”  Not thatI actually thought we were…

I haven’t decided yet if it’s worse just being ignored or being told flat out someone wants nothing to do with me anymore.  Because the silence says the same thing, just in a passive aggressive away.  (I’m going to go with being ignored.  Because getting the “courtesy” note often says way too much and includs 100 extraneous (and hurtful) reasons why they’re dumping you (have I written this sentance before because I’m getting serious deja vu).)

This isn’t something I ever really wanted to talk about because I’m human, and don’t always like to admit that I’m a human with feelings and such, but it’s been unbelievably hurtful and heartbreaking watching people that I liked, respected, admired, and cared about leave my life in such unfriendly and saddening ways.

I don’t particuarly like people, in a general sense, and over the years I’ve really tried to avoid letting people into my life and making new friends.   But last year I threw caution to the wind and completely opened my heart up and got completely burned and hurt in the end.  (Just like I always expect to happen.)

I still have a few good friends left, and God am I ever so thankful for them.  Desire especially is a Godsend.  I don’t know what I’d do without her (well, her and my therapist).

Camp was awesome last year.  I refuse to let any bad feelings I may have now tarnish those memories.  And I really do miss that life.  I miss Jefferson.  I miss my friends.  I miss my social life.  I miss being happy.

I anticipate this year’s camp also being awesome.  Just different.  I’m not exactly going into it with an open heart.

I don’t know that it really is better to have loved and lost.  I really don’t want to be hurt anymore (especially so soon after this round).

I don’t have much time for a social life these days anyways, so maybe it’s for the better.  I have a heavy course load, I’m focued on graduating, putting together a portfolio, and soon job huting.  That all there is going to take up a lot of my time and energy for the next 6 months.

And maybe that’s a good amount of time until I’m ready to start letting new people into my life.  Hopefully next time it won’t end in heartache.

Not in the Cards

First off, in response to how I’m titling this- what a fucking asshole.

I’m debating whether or not to tell the whole story behind that- I don’t want to be dramatic. But let’s just say there are some real insensitive fucks out there.

Before I go off on a rant about how awful the past 4 days have been, I’m going to start with the positives.

I got to go down to DC Thursday night and spend the night with Desire.

My (relatively) new friend Tilda helped me out in a jam and let me stay in her room when I lost mine (though I felt bad she didn’t get the space I knew she wanted). And Match helped calm me down and see my options.

Jocasta tied me up and Zelda flogged me.

Desire and I had an awesome candy scene in the dungeon.

Match had a kick ass orgy in his room.

And I went to some cool classes.

So even though I’m going to trash the weekend and label it essentially a failure, I’m not discounting the good stuff at all.

First rant: apparently pink eye is the new plague.

I realize it’s generally considered pretty contagious- and it’s kind of ewy and gooey, but Christ- it’s just pink eye. You take some eye drops and it’s gone in 3 or 4 days. And gee, if you don’t touch your eye and make sure you wash your hands constantly it’s fairly unlikely you’ll spread it to other people.

Ok, so the story goes I was supposed to room with this woman I didn’t know, but somehow (and I know how) she heard (as did half the fucking attendees) I woke up with pink eye and had someone (she couldn’t have this discussion with me for some reason) call me and tell me she didn’t want to room with me anymore because I had pink eye.

I wasn’t aware we’d be sharing eye liner (we certainly weren’t going to be sharing spit). I thought we’d just be sharing a room (where’d I’d have my own bed).

(And mind you I actually only ended up forcing myself to DC because I thought I had a commitment to my roommate to share the room. Silly me being considerate.)

Of course I heard this at 2pm on Friday afternoon just as I was parking my car and heading over to register. So I freaked. They were offering me the room (she would go somewhere else) but I didn’t know how I’d be able to find someone to split the cost of the room with me on such short notice and I didn’t think I could really afford it on my own.

So I went to registration and just after I walked in, Match followed, and thank God. I ran over to hug him and as he was asking how I was I burst into tears about my room (mind you I had already spent Thursday morning crying over the nasty exchange I’d had, which I will get to a some point). He helped calm me down a bit and then after we checked in, we went to his room and he helped me see my options and make a decision.

I realized that I could afford 2 nights at the hotel on my own, it was only an extra $60 or so. Once I came to that conclusion I called the people back to let them know I would take the room on my own. It went to voice mail though. But no biggie. I just told them to call me when they arrived so we could put the room on my credit card.

So while I was waiting for them, I went to Rita Seagrave’s Domination for Non-alphas. Let me just plug that for a moment- very fun class. And if you’re not familiar with Rita, let me just gush about how freaking hot she is. I already have a thing for red headed girls. But the whole class I couldn’t stop staring at her ass, lol. And when she’d sit on the table her skirt would ride up a little bit and the tops of her stocking would show. *Groan* Plus I just really like her presence. She’d come near by to hear someone’s question and it was just a nice vibe having her in the vicinity. So yeah.

Ok then, back to the rant. At the tail end of class, the people called me, but I let it go to voice mail since there were only 5 more minutes left.

When I heard the message in a few minutes I learned that they had given my room away because they thought I hadn’t gotten back to them. I dropped the phone and started crying again. Because here I was in DC without a room.

Jocasta took over for me and found Tilda and asked if I could room with her since she was by herself and thankfully she said yes.

Meanwhile I listened to the end of the message.

What a fucking fuck tard. I don’t even know who the person was, but what a serious asshole. Apparently having a place to stay just “wasn’t in the cards” and that being contagious wasn’t fair to everyone else.

All this just after telling me I no longer had a place to stay.

Man they were fucking lucky I’m actually a very non-confrontational person. As much as I bitch and moan here, the meanest thing I’ll do to someone in person is just give them the evil eye. And you best believe I gave that woman the evil eye every time I saw her.

After that whole ordeal I headed straight to the bar and sucked down 2 gin and tonics. I don’t usually turning to substances to relieve problems, but it was really the only way to save the night. Alcohol makes me happy. I mean that it makes me giggly and silly, so yeah, it helped. It was also fun sitting with Lynsey and Tilda and make up a funny story about this sullen looking family sitting in the lobby.

We surmised the daughter found the father’s porn (gay porn actually) and the mother just found out.

Thankfully the rest of Friday went well. A good time was had by all in the dungeon and it was a fairly early night, heading to bed at 1.

Saturday was good during the day.  Went to some classes which I think I’ll talk about briefly.  I enjoyed another one of Sarah Sloane’s classes.  I went to a class on humiliation at summer camp and this time I went to her Driven to Tears: Playing on the Edge class.  It was a lot to do with like cathartic play or ordeal path.  Damn if I didn’t start jonesing for a cathartic play scene.  Still am.  And I will probably ask for one soon, but I think first I need to do some processing on my own.

After that I went to Barbara Carellas’s Erotic Breathwork class which I had really been looking forward to because I had wanted to go when she did it a CV in the fall, but I ended up being late and couldn’t go because of certain things going wrong.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a good weekend for me- I was just too blocked.  So it didn’t have an effect on me, but I’ll file away what I learned and hopefully can put it to use in the future.

After we had a nice lunch with Me, Jocasta, Desire, and Prince (a super great guy I met at camp) and a fun sitz bath social too back at my room (long story I’ll tell if I’m told it’s ok).   I also got to buzz Desire’s hair into a mohawk- which looks super cute and she decided it’s subtle enough she can probably get away with it at work so she’ll keep it!

I missed the petting zoo because I went to the last class of the day, Dossie Easton’s Bottomless Pits: Topping serious pain sluts.  What a great class.  I’d never heard Dossie speak before, but wow, what a great presenter.  I’m definitely going to make a point to attend more of her classes in the future.  Poor Jocasta was exhausted and fell asleep a bit (even snoring a little, lol).

I started jonesing again this time for a heavy intense scene.  I consider myself somewhat of a bottomless pit (though some days there is a bottom), but I’ve never really had the opportunity to really test my endurance.  Dossie mentioned a relay scene (meaning there were a few tops there) that lasted for over 7 hours!  7 hours of being beat up.  That’s for sure the forever place she mentions.  Someday I’ll have to plan a huge block of time where I can try going there (maybe not 7 hours, but a couple hours at least).

Then demoed on Barbara caning her and spanking her.  Turns out I’m not the only one who laughs when they’re getting hit!  It was a really fun scene to watch though.  But man if I didn’t want a serious beating myself.

I was exhausted at that point and retreated to my room to try and nap so I could function better that evening.  I sort of slept- for a few minutes.   But I ended up getting hysterical again.  Exhaustion pushes me over the edge very easily.

Here I’m going to get very raw and very honest- the one thing people constantly praise my blog for.

I was in an intense amount of emotional agony.  The distress from Thursday and Friday just bubbled up and I couldn’t push it aside.  I started crying and as I started to cry harder I told myself that it was ok to cry and that I should just let it out and then I would feel better.  Except I wasn’t really feeing better.  I just kept crying.  And I was getting more and more anxious.  I couldn’t sit still and started to walk around the room, needing to do something with myself.

I wanted to cut.  I wanted to see my blood- I knew that would help calm and sedate me.  But I didn’t have any razors and I’m very particular about how I cut.  Plus, I mean, I didn’t really want to resort to that in the middle of Winter Fire.

So I grabbed for the next best thing- my left over Percocets.  I broke it in half (after a classmate mentioned this) so it would hit me faster.  And I swallowed my tears and let myself be numb.

Being numb isn’t good, but sometimes you need to do it for a little bit to just function.

At this point most people were at the banquet and a bunch of the sex bloggers that didn’t go to the banquet went out for Chinese, but I knew Match wasn’t at either so I texted him to see what he was up to.  He was about to grab a bite with 2 of his female friends and invited me.  Finally calmed down, I dressed and went to be social.

I’d go nuts if I stayed in that room any longer.

We just grabbed a bite at the hotel restaurant, but it was fun.  I like the 2 girls so it’s good.  The one also brought a cute little submissive boy who was actually kinda cool.  One of the coolest 19 year old boys I’ve been around in a long time.

Desire met me in Match’s room after she got out of the banquet and we grabbed our candy to do our scene.

We found a nice open space in the dungeon and I laid down one of those mess pads so we didn’t get candy all in the rug.  We went all out for this.  We’d thought of everything.  We had a candy necklace to bind Desire’s hands.  A big pacifier as a sort of gag.  Big round lollipops to spank with.  A long slender swizzle lollipop to fuck with.  A huge jawbreaker to kinda punch with.  We had a lot of fun and even got pictures taken by Hypnox, the event photographer.  It was definitely awesome pouring pixi stix powder on her and licking it off.

I wasn’t the only one who thought that too.  Prince was near by watching with a new friend of his, Christian- a totally hot FTM guy, and I had invited them to eat some sugar off her, but they did it gangster style sucking it up through a rolled up bill.

And then Christian asked if Desire would mind if he did a line off her back.  She didn’t so after showering off, we met him and Prince back at Christian’s room.  We crowded into the bathroom because roommates were around.  Desire took her shirt off and leaned over as Christian started to pour a line.  He asked me if I wanted.

And I debated whether or not to tell this story, but I am, so here it goes.

Yeah, I did want.  I’d never done it before, but I wanted to try it.  So he cut me a little line and showed me what to do and I did my thing and was kinda surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.  I did one more line a little bit later before we all went up to Match’s orgy and I was happy that I was now more awake.

My thoughts on the drug?  It was good.  It wasn’t so amazing that I feel a need to rush out and start doing it on my own, but I’ll probably do it the next time it’s around (which probably won’t be for another 2 years because that was the last time I was around it).

Match’s orgy was of course awesome.  There were so many people and there was so much fucking and action.  Match and I fooled around a bit when I first got there which was nice.  And I got to kiss a bit with this girl Flouer that was staying with him.  Squee.

The hottest thing though was watching Prince and Christian go at it.  It was so mother fucking hot.  They were all over each other and then Christian got his strap-on and was fucking Prince and it so awesome.  Prince was spewing out Spanish and shit.

I started really fading at 4am though (so early, I know!) and had to get to bed.  Though I lost my key and had to get let back into my room (as I was traipsing through the lobby in my lingerie- whoops).

Sunday morning I was ready to go home.  I just woke up and was ready to go.  But I had 1 more class that I had to attend.  The Jealousy in Poly Relationships class.  But it wasn’t until the last one of the day unfortunately.

First I went to a Kinky Barbershop class which was really fun.  (Anyone willing to let me learn how to use a straight razor on them??  Lol.)

And then it was finally time for the class.  In hindsight, I don’t know why I didn’t bring tissues with me.

I think I’ll write about what happened in the class in a separate post because that’s just a whole ‘nother issue.  But I will say it was really great to be able to share my story with other poly people who can understand what’s happening and not judge my relationship choices.

After the class I packed my stuff up and headed home.

Now I’m exhausted because even though I purposefully skipped my 8:30 class I was still woken up by my roommate at 8am (who by the way is still laying in bed with her boyfriend).  This roommate situation is really getting to me.

So there was my weekend.

It wasn’t the magical time I had at camp- not by a long shot.

But thank God for my friends.  I don’t know what I would have done without you guys.  I love you!

Longing for Yesterday

I think a lot of situations in life can be expressed in Beatles songs.

You know I heart Jason, but a lot of those performances were atrocious this week, yes including his. But Syesha just did a phenomenal job with “Yesterday.”

Her version is what I’m really connecting with right now- as I really wish I could go back to yesterday.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

“Don’t Let me Down” is after the cut…
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