Life, Love, Sex

Coming Clean

Some thing’s been driving me nuts and I think life will be much better if I just spill the whole truth.

I hate Diva.  With a passion.  Like nobody’s business.  And I’m insanely jealous of what she now has with Jefferson.

And I’ve been a complete bitch to her these past 6 months or so.

I’ve left countless nasty comments on her blog (generally anonymously) over the months and even sent a nasty e-mail (which, actually if it hadn’t been so mean would have been hilarious).

I guess I never admitted to anything I’ve done because I hoped for plausible deniablity.

I’ll even cop to trying to get access to her secret blog by creating a fake e-mail account and trying to pass myself off as a sympathetic blog reader.  Meh, I was curious.  Didn’t work though.  And wow did she say some nasty things about me and my relationship with Jefferson (that were also completely untrue).   (Even though it wasn’t true, it’s what put me in my bad mood yesterday.)

I don’t actually want to keep doing it.  I don’t want to be trapped in my hatred for her.  Especially since I’m doing my best to move on from all things Jefferson.  I also don’t want to keep doing it because I know she loves it and loves the drama and feeding into that completely negates why I’m being a bitch to her in the first place!

This is like step 1.  We’ll see if I need additional steps.

My acting out against her is basically what killed my relationship with Jefferson.  Contrary to some people’s beliefs, I don’t actually blame her for the end of my relationship.  And I know now that my anger toward her lately (because I cooled off significantly for awhile there) is misdirected (hence my misdirect post).  She was a symptom of my anger towards Jefferson for treating me like crap.

If he could have been honest with me about the nature of his relationship with her, maybe I wouldn’t be writing this today.

If he could have maintained his relationship with me then maybe I wouldn’t have been so jealous and felt so driven to act out.

If he could have taken even the most remote amount of responsibility for his any of his actions then maybe I would be cutting him out of my life, for good, right now.

But right, that’s a bit of a tangent.

So there it is all out there- I can be a bitch when I want to be (though my bark is worse than my bite admittedly).  And I chose to be a bitch to someone who seemingly had done nothing to me.  And I won’t even be apologizing for it.

I’ve never claimed to be perfect.  And I’ve never claimed to be oh-so-mature (if anything I hated it because it meant people expected me to be so grown up all the time.  I think people forget I’m only 22).

My own childish actions were the major cause for my relationship with Jefferson to disintegrate.  And I don’t need to hide the fact- from me or from anyone else.

It’s a fresh start for me from here on out.