Life, Love, Sex

Another New Kink.Com Site

Kink.com is launching another site Oct. 1st Called Public Disgrace. It’s basically BDSM and sex out on the streets, in great humiliation for the girls.

I’ve had sex out on a street, with someone walking past us. Let me tell you, it’s a rush like no other.

Another win for Kink.com.

Go, sign up. You know you wanna…

Random Memory

I just had a random memory pop up of when Wendy and I barged in on Jefferson one night after we came back from a DC road trip.

We managed to kick him out of his bed for the night.

Left his kitchen a disaster area after a bacon and pancake breakfast.

And probably overstayed our welcome.

Yeah, I had to laugh thinking about that.

Home

Home from camp.

No time to write anything though.  On my way out the door to do a photo assignment.

Panny FuxXx!!!!

Obama!!!

Heartache

Tomorrow I head to camp, and I couldn’t be more excited.  My cabin is going to rock- we’re the Panny FuxXx cabin- a whole bunch of young, pansexual, queer folk (so much so that I already feel so “straight” just in anticipation of cabining with them!).  Way awesome.  I only hope the weather holds out in our favor.  There’s a chance of rain each day, but only a 30% chance each day, so that’s not too bad.

I do get sad thinking about last year.  And not just last year camp (but yeah, sad thinking about last year camp), but last year fall/winter really.  (The time between Floating World and Winter Fire for all intents and purposes.)  I was so unbelievably happy last year- a happiness I didn’t even think was possible for me.  And of course that I’m doubtful I can achieve again.

I just had such amazing experiences, met so many new people, and made so many “great” “friends.”  But my trust has been so shattered, I don’t even want to dip my toe into making new friends.

I call this time of my life right now “Post-Winter Fire.”  After Viviane lashed out at me in a jealous temper tantrum, things haven’ t been the same.  And things have been 1,000 times worse since I spoke out against the FOJ campaign.  Well, it would make sense that the FOJ wouldn’t like me anymore.  Fair enough.  I don’t think Viviane ever liked me, and since she stabbed me in the back, there’s really no loss there.  (She really is just a wretched human being, honestly.)  Tilda and I were once friends, for like an hour.  But she chose to remove me from her blogroll and ignore me at Floating World.  Whatever.  No real sweat off my back.  Lolita and I “were never friends.”  Not thatI actually thought we were…

I haven’t decided yet if it’s worse just being ignored or being told flat out someone wants nothing to do with me anymore.  Because the silence says the same thing, just in a passive aggressive away.  (I’m going to go with being ignored.  Because getting the “courtesy” note often says way too much and includs 100 extraneous (and hurtful) reasons why they’re dumping you (have I written this sentance before because I’m getting serious deja vu).)

This isn’t something I ever really wanted to talk about because I’m human, and don’t always like to admit that I’m a human with feelings and such, but it’s been unbelievably hurtful and heartbreaking watching people that I liked, respected, admired, and cared about leave my life in such unfriendly and saddening ways.

I don’t particuarly like people, in a general sense, and over the years I’ve really tried to avoid letting people into my life and making new friends.   But last year I threw caution to the wind and completely opened my heart up and got completely burned and hurt in the end.  (Just like I always expect to happen.)

I still have a few good friends left, and God am I ever so thankful for them.  Desire especially is a Godsend.  I don’t know what I’d do without her (well, her and my therapist).

Camp was awesome last year.  I refuse to let any bad feelings I may have now tarnish those memories.  And I really do miss that life.  I miss Jefferson.  I miss my friends.  I miss my social life.  I miss being happy.

I anticipate this year’s camp also being awesome.  Just different.  I’m not exactly going into it with an open heart.

I don’t know that it really is better to have loved and lost.  I really don’t want to be hurt anymore (especially so soon after this round).

I don’t have much time for a social life these days anyways, so maybe it’s for the better.  I have a heavy course load, I’m focued on graduating, putting together a portfolio, and soon job huting.  That all there is going to take up a lot of my time and energy for the next 6 months.

And maybe that’s a good amount of time until I’m ready to start letting new people into my life.  Hopefully next time it won’t end in heartache.

Sex and Submission

Girl Lust

Yesterday on my way to drawing class (and already 5 minutes late), I ran into my roommate from last year (did I ever give her a name?).

Remember my roommate that I had a giantic crush on?

Yeah, her.

God she’s still just as gorgeous as ever and I’m still half in love with her.  Man I’d just give anything to be with her, or someone just as amazing as her.  I tried putting up an ad on CL to find a girl, but I got a measely amount of responses.  And quite frankly I don’t know that I could meet a girl over the internet.  For me to crush on a girl, it’s so much more than just what they look like.  It’s all about a connection and spark.  Oh there’s most certainly a phsical element.  But it’s a whole package deal to crush on a girl.

Where as guys I can crush on based purely on looks (and often become disinterested once I start learning about them).

So since I don’t really feel comfortable meeting a girl on the internet, I definitely gotta see if my classmate (the one I mentioned previously) can like be my wingman or something to meet girls.

I’d really like to try trying to find a girl to date.  I never realized before how emotionally attracted I was to women (or it’s just something that’s developed over time), and I’d really like to persue that.  But I’m way clueless and way timid when it comes to how to date a woman (I’ve barely gotten a handle on dating guys!).

It certainly doesn’t help that I keep fantasizing about my old roommate.  I’ll bet she’d be so much fun to fuck.  And then we’d cuddle afterwards.  :-)  There’s nothing like cuddling with a girl after a nice fuck.

Life Goes On

Yesterday I took a trip with my Mom to Ikea.  And oh what fun we had!

Going to Ikea is always an “experience.”  It’s not just shopping for furniture or plates or whatnot.  It’s browsing through the showroom and imagining what it’ll be like when you have enough money to buy real furniture for your place (that’s what I imagine at least).  It’s still CraigsList, garage sales, and hand-me-downs for the near future for me.  But that’s OK.  I like that I can still get a $2 cutting board from Ikea.

I put some pictures on my Tumblr of the furniture I got.  It was kinda fun putting it together all myself!

Now I’ll have to start setting up my new desk/work table.

Oh yeah, I moved to my new apartment.  And started school again (for the last time!!).  Apartment life is good.  I’m enjoying it.  My roommate and I are getting along well.  The commute to school is fine.  And there’s a kitty cat!  And she’s starting to cuddle with me more now that I’ve been here a whole week already!

I have yet to unpack.  I’ll get around to it.  I have plenty of time.  I want to start decorating my room a little though.  I just can’t decide on a color/theme.  Modern?  Contemporary?  French country?  Retro?  Asian?  I could do it all!  I really just need to decorate around my sheets.  Because they were pretty expensive sheets.  And I can’t afford new, good quality sheets.  (But I could get an awesome duvet cover from Ikea for only like $40!!  I love Ikea!)

The first week of school went off without a hitch as well.  4 studios and my math class.  I’m going to be busy, busy, busy this semester!  I found out one of my friends from last year is in my color class.  She’s fun and we have fun together.  Maybe she can teach me how to meet girls.  I want to start meeting girls.  You know, for dating and sex.  And I have ZERO clue how to do that.

Camp is next week and I’m excited about that (except for the weather forecast!).  My cabin is going to fucking rock!!  I’m bedding up with Desire; plus Match, Prince, and Hunter are in the cabin, and some cool new people I can’t wait to meet!

I have only 1 unofficial play date with Match for him to fuck my ass.  And I think Desire and I are doing a scene (have to check on the status of that).  I’m signed up for a non-bio cock gang bang of a gorgeous blonde!  And I’m an assistant of the petting zoo!  I’m hoping to have an awesome time with some awesome people.

Alright, well I’m going to go shower now instead of the morning because I just stepped in hairball juice and it’s making me want to throw up a little.

Avah’s Plea

I’m piggy backing on Diva’s most recent post, and I encourage any of you that feel the same, to post something of your own- either on a blog if you have one, or by leaving a comment on someone else’s plea.

Diva’s post is really good and lays out a lot of key concerns and I highly suggest you read it and leave a comment if you so feel inclined.

I’m going to make a preemptive statement with stating the obvious- negative, personal attacking comments will absolutely not be posted.  Period.  You’ve been warned.

I hate to preface this because of what the annoying jackasses have been saying, but I just want to say I’m not “changing horses” or “my tune” or anything cliche of that nature.  How I’ve felt about Jefferson and this case has remained the same since forever and a day.  I’m angry yes, and with good reason.  I was hurt, and lied to, and manipulated for 2 years.  People say I should have known better?  I did know better.  I fought it almost every step of the way.  I wanted to leave.  I tried to leave so many times.  And it’s all documented here.

I didn’t meet Jefferson to fall in love.  I never expected I would have.  I never expected I would have stayed with him for over 2 years.  I couldn’t commit in any of my other relationships, why should I have expected this be any different?  I didn’t want to fall in love.  I was torn up over it and knew it was only going to hurt me in the end.  But Jefferson promised and swore to me that it was OK.  That he felt the same way too.  And that I was safe with him.

He told me he loved me.  He told me when I was my most vulnerable, going through a serious depression back in Fall of 2006.  He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me when I would vent my frustrations about being with him and wanting to leave.  He told me he loved me and cared about me and that he wanted to be around when I was off and married and having babies.

I doubted his love almost the entire time we were together.  And I guess for good reason.  I started to really believe it after camp last year, but that security only lasted for a few months even.

I don’t know if it was ever real.  I don’t know how it could have been when the Jefferson I fell in love with was never real to begin with.  And even though he’s not real, God I miss him.  I miss him so much.  I miss so badly the man I loved.  For 2 years I had a friend that I loved and cared for.  I confided in him and trusted him.  I trusted in him.  I was happy to be with him, and I ached for him when we were apart.  I wished only the world for him.  I miss my friend.  And I miss my lover.

And yet as angry as I am with how I was deceived and treated by him, I can’t help but fear for him and worry about him.

But I have no truth.  I only know what I’ve seen, what others have told me, and what my gut tells me.

There’s no doubt that Jefferson is a charming man.  He’s warm and friendly, smart and engaging.  But that’s all superficial.  Behind that he’s an alcoholic, a liar, and a manipulator, and maybe a little bit lazy.  And I’ve learned things that suggest some of this behavior goes as far back as at least during his marriage. But that doesn’t mean it has to continue, right? I really don’t think it’s too late for him to change.

I’ve watched him be torn apart in the comments on Dacia’s and Diva’s posts and it’s killed me, especially as it started getting more vicious and more out of hand with people trying to find out his real identity and such (which is just plain creepy). When I spoke out, I wasn’t speaking out against Jefferson, or his right to keep his children, I was upset with the “Friends of Jefferson” (who is just a group of assholes and enablers, all with their heads in the sand) and the plea. It was misleading and downright outrageous. But it almost seems like some people, and some who don’t even know him, are hoping to watch him fall completely!

I am not in that category.

I wrote this e-mail in the beginning of August to Jefferson and I think it states very clearly how I thought he should handle this situation:

Jefferson, I saw your comments on Dacia’s blog and I wanted to address them with you.

First and foremost I want to just say I still care about you very, very much.  I love you and never ever would have wished this situation on you.  I absolutely believe you shouldn’t lose your kids.  Period.  All faults of yours aside.  I also think they shouldn’t lose you.  They need you and much as you need them.  I want you to win this case.  I really, really do.

But I have serious issue with the whole FOJ campaign- both with how it’s composed and how people are blindly promoting it.  And obviously I’m not the only one.

I opted not to address this with you before posting because I felt it was pointless.  Anything I would say would just fall on deaf ears.  Because you never listen to me.  You never have.  And you never listen to anything anyone has to say if it’s not in favor of you and how you live your life.

If 10,000 people are saying you have some issues, well, then maybe it’s time to look at yourself and really consider if what we’re all saying has some truth.

You got so caught up being “Jefferson” you forgot that being the real you was more important.  Being a father and provider for your children should have taken a lot more precedence than it did.

I never cared before what you did for money.  It wasn’t my business and it didn’t affect me.  You seemed to manage to get by, so I never paid much attention.  I just never had the desire to talk about it.  And I still don’t.  Earn money however you want to earn money.  But earn it.  Stop relying on others to support you.  It’s not our job and we shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because we don’t want to bail you out.  Again.

I understand this is an absolutely painful time for you.  Both with the custody battle and with how some of your friends are speaking out against your fundraising efforts.  I’m not doing it to hurt you.  If anything I want you to use this as an opportunity for growth and change.  You have the potential to be so much better.  Both as a father and as a person (friend and lover).

This is hard for me to write this letter because I’m still very angry with how I was treated in the relationship and how I let myself be deluded into thinking you actually cared about me (instead of just yourself).  I thought I could be your friend through this (the Mediterranean does wonders of melting away worries and problems), but just seeing you the other night just brought back all my angry feelings.  You seemed just so happy to see me, and I couldn’t understand how we can have such different views of how our relationship and break-up were.  But it’s also hard because I do still love and care about you.  So as much as my heart wants to be there for you and offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, I just can’t do it any more.  I can’t give anymore of myself to you, as you are now.

This is the most perfect opportunity for a turning point for you.  Please don’t waste it.

Unfortunately, as I predicted, it wasn’t heard, and he was only concerned with people not talking about the case.

I want something better for Jefferson. I want him to get his life back on track. I really, really do. I wish he could learn to provide better for himself (and for people to stop enabling him). He’s so bright and has so much potential. And the man just needs a job. He’s a single dad- it’s a fact of life. And he needs to cut out the drinking. Plain and simple. I don’t know if that would mean rehab- but I’d certainly like to see him get evaluated by a professional, and even just get into therapy to just talk things through. Maybe he could learn to treat people better.

And I do think we should support that. Not the enabling of him via the douchetard FOJ campaign. But supporting him in efforts to clean his life up. And I’m not saying he needs to give up sex and kink and all that full time. But he can do it when he gets home from work, and on weekends he doesn’t have the kids. But maybe there’s someone that can help spruce up his resume? And maybe someone can give him a pep talk on a day he has an interview? I can’t imagine it would hurt to pass along job links or info either if someone stumbles across it.

Truth be told, there’s a part of me that wants my friend back. A part of me would like to see Jefferson get on his feet and start really making a life for himself and us being able to be friends in the end.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. I don’t know that Jefferson will ever change. And I don’t know that I could even take a chance on him again.

But I can at least hope. And I can hope there are others out there that want to see him get better too. And I can try and rally support. And I can only hope Jefferson meets us half way.

Not Aruguing With You

I posted the other week that I would not be posting rude and/or annoying comments, and I meant it and am sticking by it.

I just got one a few minutes ago (from an iPhone- amazing the advances of technology!) and promptly deleted it.

I could have easily argued practically every point in the comment because it was complete bullshit.  But I won’t.  Because I don’t need to defend myself to morons.

So let that be a note to anyone else who wants to leave an annoying ass comment.  Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Hogtied

Trina Michaels