Avah’s Plea
I’m piggy backing on Diva’s most recent post, and I encourage any of you that feel the same, to post something of your own- either on a blog if you have one, or by leaving a comment on someone else’s plea.
Diva’s post is really good and lays out a lot of key concerns and I highly suggest you read it and leave a comment if you so feel inclined.
I’m going to make a preemptive statement with stating the obvious- negative, personal attacking comments will absolutely not be posted. Period. You’ve been warned.
I hate to preface this because of what the annoying jackasses have been saying, but I just want to say I’m not “changing horses” or “my tune” or anything cliche of that nature. How I’ve felt about Jefferson and this case has remained the same since forever and a day. I’m angry yes, and with good reason. I was hurt, and lied to, and manipulated for 2 years. People say I should have known better? I did know better. I fought it almost every step of the way. I wanted to leave. I tried to leave so many times. And it’s all documented here.
I didn’t meet Jefferson to fall in love. I never expected I would have. I never expected I would have stayed with him for over 2 years. I couldn’t commit in any of my other relationships, why should I have expected this be any different? I didn’t want to fall in love. I was torn up over it and knew it was only going to hurt me in the end. But Jefferson promised and swore to me that it was OK. That he felt the same way too. And that I was safe with him.
He told me he loved me. He told me when I was my most vulnerable, going through a serious depression back in Fall of 2006. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me when I would vent my frustrations about being with him and wanting to leave. He told me he loved me and cared about me and that he wanted to be around when I was off and married and having babies.
I doubted his love almost the entire time we were together. And I guess for good reason. I started to really believe it after camp last year, but that security only lasted for a few months even.
I don’t know if it was ever real. I don’t know how it could have been when the Jefferson I fell in love with was never real to begin with. And even though he’s not real, God I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss so badly the man I loved. For 2 years I had a friend that I loved and cared for. I confided in him and trusted him. I trusted in him. I was happy to be with him, and I ached for him when we were apart. I wished only the world for him. I miss my friend. And I miss my lover.
And yet as angry as I am with how I was deceived and treated by him, I can’t help but fear for him and worry about him.
But I have no truth. I only know what I’ve seen, what others have told me, and what my gut tells me.
There’s no doubt that Jefferson is a charming man. He’s warm and friendly, smart and engaging. But that’s all superficial. Behind that he’s an alcoholic, a liar, and a manipulator, and maybe a little bit lazy. And I’ve learned things that suggest some of this behavior goes as far back as at least during his marriage. But that doesn’t mean it has to continue, right? I really don’t think it’s too late for him to change.
I’ve watched him be torn apart in the comments on Dacia’s and Diva’s posts and it’s killed me, especially as it started getting more vicious and more out of hand with people trying to find out his real identity and such (which is just plain creepy). When I spoke out, I wasn’t speaking out against Jefferson, or his right to keep his children, I was upset with the “Friends of Jefferson” (who is just a group of assholes and enablers, all with their heads in the sand) and the plea. It was misleading and downright outrageous. But it almost seems like some people, and some who don’t even know him, are hoping to watch him fall completely!
I am not in that category.
I wrote this e-mail in the beginning of August to Jefferson and I think it states very clearly how I thought he should handle this situation:
Jefferson, I saw your comments on Dacia’s blog and I wanted to address them with you.
First and foremost I want to just say I still care about you very, very much. I love you and never ever would have wished this situation on you. I absolutely believe you shouldn’t lose your kids. Period. All faults of yours aside. I also think they shouldn’t lose you. They need you and much as you need them. I want you to win this case. I really, really do.
But I have serious issue with the whole FOJ campaign- both with how it’s composed and how people are blindly promoting it. And obviously I’m not the only one.
I opted not to address this with you before posting because I felt it was pointless. Anything I would say would just fall on deaf ears. Because you never listen to me. You never have. And you never listen to anything anyone has to say if it’s not in favor of you and how you live your life.
If 10,000 people are saying you have some issues, well, then maybe it’s time to look at yourself and really consider if what we’re all saying has some truth.
You got so caught up being “Jefferson” you forgot that being the real you was more important. Being a father and provider for your children should have taken a lot more precedence than it did.
I never cared before what you did for money. It wasn’t my business and it didn’t affect me. You seemed to manage to get by, so I never paid much attention. I just never had the desire to talk about it. And I still don’t. Earn money however you want to earn money. But earn it. Stop relying on others to support you. It’s not our job and we shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because we don’t want to bail you out. Again.
I understand this is an absolutely painful time for you. Both with the custody battle and with how some of your friends are speaking out against your fundraising efforts. I’m not doing it to hurt you. If anything I want you to use this as an opportunity for growth and change. You have the potential to be so much better. Both as a father and as a person (friend and lover).
This is hard for me to write this letter because I’m still very angry with how I was treated in the relationship and how I let myself be deluded into thinking you actually cared about me (instead of just yourself). I thought I could be your friend through this (the Mediterranean does wonders of melting away worries and problems), but just seeing you the other night just brought back all my angry feelings. You seemed just so happy to see me, and I couldn’t understand how we can have such different views of how our relationship and break-up were. But it’s also hard because I do still love and care about you. So as much as my heart wants to be there for you and offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, I just can’t do it any more. I can’t give anymore of myself to you, as you are now.
This is the most perfect opportunity for a turning point for you. Please don’t waste it.
Unfortunately, as I predicted, it wasn’t heard, and he was only concerned with people not talking about the case.
I want something better for Jefferson. I want him to get his life back on track. I really, really do. I wish he could learn to provide better for himself (and for people to stop enabling him). He’s so bright and has so much potential. And the man just needs a job. He’s a single dad- it’s a fact of life. And he needs to cut out the drinking. Plain and simple. I don’t know if that would mean rehab- but I’d certainly like to see him get evaluated by a professional, and even just get into therapy to just talk things through. Maybe he could learn to treat people better.
And I do think we should support that. Not the enabling of him via the douchetard FOJ campaign. But supporting him in efforts to clean his life up. And I’m not saying he needs to give up sex and kink and all that full time. But he can do it when he gets home from work, and on weekends he doesn’t have the kids. But maybe there’s someone that can help spruce up his resume? And maybe someone can give him a pep talk on a day he has an interview? I can’t imagine it would hurt to pass along job links or info either if someone stumbles across it.
Truth be told, there’s a part of me that wants my friend back. A part of me would like to see Jefferson get on his feet and start really making a life for himself and us being able to be friends in the end.
I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. I don’t know that Jefferson will ever change. And I don’t know that I could even take a chance on him again.
But I can at least hope. And I can hope there are others out there that want to see him get better too. And I can try and rally support. And I can only hope Jefferson meets us half way.
Randomness | 
Avah | September 5, 2008
By desire, September 5, 2008 @ 10:31 am
another really powerful post on this subject. now THIS is a plea i can get behind!
desires last blog post..for those reading along…
By Sapphire, September 5, 2008 @ 12:18 pm
Avah, Jefferson loved you in the way that he was capable of loving. I know that statement sounds trite but I believe it. He probably still does love you. It doesn’t sound like he could give you what you needed in a relationship and he probably knew that but loved you in his way anyway. You sound aware that if Jefferson gets a job, he might become just Jefferson with a job. If Jefferson stops drinking, he might become just Jefferson the nondrinker. Not a completely new emotionally available person.
By Anon, September 5, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
(Obviously you know who this is, but I’m claiming the name “Anon” so I don’t get harassed.)
Here’s the thing: You can’t change him. No one can. Only he can do that for himself, when and if he deems fit. This goes for any individual with any problem– the person in question must have an active and participatory desire to engage him or herself in such a task.
I don’t understand why everyone is so hung up on this (not to cast blame on you or anyone else). It creeps me out, because it borders on obsession. I’m not his biggest fan right now, either, but I’m not focused on the conflict– in my opinion, that just makes it worse. Of course, there are those who will argue that my reading these posts and eventually commenting on them is, in fact, an engagement of sorts– and, sure, it is– but:
a) I’m a voyeur. Whatever. I’m an American citizen; what do you expect?
b) I’m frustrated about the amount of people who give a shit one way or the other. Doesn’t that just confer more power unto Jefferson? He’s obviously embedded in everyone’s thoughts and thusly, those subsequently blog posts, those actions that follow. Isn’t that odd? Isn’t that a way of keeping the relationship open, of keeping the wound fresh?
…I don’t really want to speak about any of this, but post after post keeps coming– and I don’t understand why all of this is so important. It’s his life and his choices. There’s nothing to be done by anyone else. Being human means learning from our personal mistakes and the mistakes (if we are to call them that) of others around us. We then implement (hopefully) that knowledge and rectify ourselves in some positive way (again– hopefully). So–let’s learn, let’s move on, let’s live.
By Sappire, September 6, 2008 @ 10:51 am
Although I agree with Anon above that too much attention has been given to this subject, personally I am glad that anyone who choses to get involved with Jefferson might have a more accurate picture of what he is really offering. If those CL posts on Diva’s blog are him, then he can still find girls to be with him. It’s not as though I wish him to be abandoned. I am just glad that he might be less able to use people. And that is what I believe he did to many.