Coming Clean
Some thing’s been driving me nuts and I think life will be much better if I just spill the whole truth.
I hate Diva. With a passion. Like nobody’s business. And I’m insanely jealous of what she now has with Jefferson.
And I’ve been a complete bitch to her these past 6 months or so.
I’ve left countless nasty comments on her blog (generally anonymously) over the months and even sent a nasty e-mail (which, actually if it hadn’t been so mean would have been hilarious).
I guess I never admitted to anything I’ve done because I hoped for plausible deniablity.
I’ll even cop to trying to get access to her secret blog by creating a fake e-mail account and trying to pass myself off as a sympathetic blog reader. Meh, I was curious. Didn’t work though. And wow did she say some nasty things about me and my relationship with Jefferson (that were also completely untrue). (Even though it wasn’t true, it’s what put me in my bad mood yesterday.)
I don’t actually want to keep doing it. I don’t want to be trapped in my hatred for her. Especially since I’m doing my best to move on from all things Jefferson. I also don’t want to keep doing it because I know she loves it and loves the drama and feeding into that completely negates why I’m being a bitch to her in the first place!
This is like step 1. We’ll see if I need additional steps.
My acting out against her is basically what killed my relationship with Jefferson. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, I don’t actually blame her for the end of my relationship. And I know now that my anger toward her lately (because I cooled off significantly for awhile there) is misdirected (hence my misdirect post). She was a symptom of my anger towards Jefferson for treating me like crap.
If he could have been honest with me about the nature of his relationship with her, maybe I wouldn’t be writing this today.
If he could have maintained his relationship with me then maybe I wouldn’t have been so jealous and felt so driven to act out.
If he could have taken even the most remote amount of responsibility for his any of his actions then maybe I would be cutting him out of my life, for good, right now.
But right, that’s a bit of a tangent.
So there it is all out there- I can be a bitch when I want to be (though my bark is worse than my bite admittedly). And I chose to be a bitch to someone who seemingly had done nothing to me. And I won’t even be apologizing for it.
I’ve never claimed to be perfect. And I’ve never claimed to be oh-so-mature (if anything I hated it because it meant people expected me to be so grown up all the time. I think people forget I’m only 22).
My own childish actions were the major cause for my relationship with Jefferson to disintegrate. And I don’t need to hide the fact- from me or from anyone else.
It’s a fresh start for me from here on out.
Tags: break-up, confession, Diva, Jefferson, sex blog
Random musings | 
Avah | June 26, 2008
By desire, June 26, 2008 @ 10:29 am
i’m really proud of you for coming clean. it’s more than either jefferson or diva would have done, and it shows that you’re a better person than them.
and you know i’m still your attack dog if anyone tries to fuck with you.
desires last blog post..word of the week: friendship
By Jefferson, June 26, 2008 @ 11:12 am
Thanks for writing this; I’m sure it was difficult, but it was certainly brave.
Jeffersons last blog post..HNT
By Avah, June 26, 2008 @ 11:19 am
This wasn’t for you.
Nor was it difficult. Because see, unlike you, I can take responsibility when it concerns me. My actions toward the whore are what ruined our relationship. But your actions towards me last week are why I dumped you.
See how that works?
By Wendy Blackheart, June 26, 2008 @ 11:48 am
Now see, I was going to compliment you on finally accepting responsibility for your actions towards Diva, but that last comment killed it. I don’t like her either - I don’t like or condone adultery, and I think there are better ways of dealing with marital issues. But you don’t need to keep continually attacking her. It’s unhealthy. If you’ve got to hate a stranger, hate Anne Coulter or something. She’s a crazy bitch who deserves it.
By Avah, June 26, 2008 @ 11:53 am
Take out the whore part in the comment and I’m actually trashing Jefferson.
And Anne Coulter is a crazy bitch!
By Jocasta, June 26, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Lets not bandy that term whore around too loosely. I’m a whore and often in the company of whores and besides the fact that she fucks one king of the whores, what actually has she done to deserve that description?
Whore, slut and deservingly so,
Jocasta
Why assume it has to be a bad thing? eh?
By Mia, June 27, 2008 @ 8:11 am
@Jocasta: *shrug* her blog, her hurt, her use of the word “whore.” Let’s not play semantics when someone’s upset and wanting to vent in a reasonably healthy place. The internet is a great place for therapy, and this post seems to have been a therapeutic one. So that you’re not saying it to people’s faces at inappropriate times, I feel that this is the perfect place in which to vent those feelings. Of course, I’m a completely neutral 3rd party that doesn’t know any of this situation besides what I read here and on others’ blogs. I’m sure if I had a blog and had the chance to vent my feelings about a certain woman (one whom I still hate 5 years later for trying to steal my husband), then there’d be plenty of the “whore,” “bitch,” “slut” flying around like the wicked monkeys of Oz.
By Jocasta, June 27, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
Understand that Avah is a dear friend and my assistant in my rope business. She knows what I mean.
By Mia, June 27, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
Ahhh… that’s why I included: “Of course, I’m a completely neutral 3rd party that doesn’t know any of this situation besides what I read here and on others’ blogs.” I probably should have prefaced my statement with that to make it a bit more easy to see that I meant my statement to be taken with a grain of salt.
By la petite, June 29, 2008 @ 1:31 am
I know its been such a long time since I’ve commented (life has gotten in the way and I do hate that) but after reading this is made me think.
Hatred has a way of taking who you are and making the worst bits of your character stand out at attention. You feel reckless and your decisions are compelled by pure passion instead of logic or reason.
It always worries me when my passionate emotions take over because while some of them are good most of the time (lust mostly) most of them are just too much to deal with if you take the moment and feed off of it.
Basically what I’m trying to say (because obviously this is your private business and only you know whats going on in your own mind and I don’t mean to intrude) is that as a concerned long-time reader, fellow eroti-blogger and admirer is that you need to find your true self in all of this and leave it behind you.
This is such a brave post and you should be commended for your realizations. Good luck love.
big hug, ♥la petite
la petites last blog post..Pansexuality: Love is Everything
By Bianca, July 7, 2008 @ 1:45 am
I don’t understand. What is it about Diva and Jefferson’s relationship that is so different from all his other relationships? Why did this one in particular bother you?
Biancas last blog post..How Jefferson Got Me Stoned
By Avah, July 7, 2008 @ 5:46 am
I don’t exactly need a reason to irrationally hate someone…