Designing Intimacy

It Occurred To Me

A story unlocked in brain just now.

When I was 18 I did a stint of trying out a lot of 1st dates with guys from Yahoo Personals.

I somehow managed to strike out with some total dweebs.

Come to think of it I really had terrible luck there.

Case in point, this guy:

He was a few years older- mid 20s and lived the next town over from where I worked. After chatting online and on the phone for a bit we made plans for him to stop in the store where I worked to say hi and meet face to face briefly. He never showed up, though he said he did and chickened out.

Hrmm…perhaps.

But nonetheless we scheduled a date. We were supposed to go bowling. But the bowling alley was so smokey and gross so we wound up at a movie. Ocean’s 12 I believe. We had a nice enough time. Though 3 years later nothing really even sticks out about him or the date. We parted ways in front of his house at the end of the night; I’m pretty sure there was a good night kiss.

A few days later while chatting he wanted to know why I didn’t come in at the end of the night.

Um, because you didn’t ask me!

Seriously! Some boys! I was no prude, even at 18. And even though I wasn’t so terribly into him I would’ve fucked him if he asked. My standards were much lower then.

But my mind was changed once he told me that didn’t actually want to date me because I was underage and couldn’t go out drinking with him and his friends. For real? Alright, that’s fine.

After that exchange what prompted me to go spend the night is beyond me. But I was a little desperate. I was in my dorm at the tail end of the semester, there were only about 3 or 4 days before I went home for Christmas break, and there was no heat- during a cold spell (I later learned I needed to request the heat be turned on). It was seriously so cold in my room I wore my coat and mittens to bed. I didn’t shower for a few days because I couldn’t bear the thought of being wet and naked in my 30 degree room. And when I did change in the morning, I turned the shower on high in the bathroom and got changed in the warm bathroom.

So when he offered me a reprieve from freezing for one night I jut snatched it up- with the knowledge I wasn’t interested in any hanky panky.

Oh how naive I was.

I was happy to curl up in a warm bed.

I wasn’t so happy when his finger ended up in my ass. (Side rant: What is it with men putting unlubed fingers up my ass?? It happened all the time when I was escorting, too.)

I don’t remember the events of the night very well. I remember going down on him and I remembered he smelled like ass- gag.

And I know I felt stupid for putting myself in that position.

And then it occurred to me just now thinking of this story, and reading people’s accounts lately of sexual assault that that’s what this was. I don’t remember anymore if I protested, and if I did, to what extent. But he used my cold room situation to his advantage. And God knows he had power over me since I was only 18, and a pretty naive one at that.

It’s odd to think it’s a night that doesn’t even stand out in my memory.

That one night with Ben made more of an impact- and that wasn’t even assault. He was just a jerk that made me feel cheap and used.

Then there was the night with the horrible orgy guest last year. And even though I didn’t want to use the exact language of assault or rape at that time, the fact is I had told the guy I wasn’t interested, however feebly, and he still put his dick in me. On more than one occasion.

Yet it barely fazes me. My attitude toward sex is no different. My attitude toward myself didn’t change. Why is that? What is it about me that can be completely unaffected by such violations?

Is it as simple as just saying I’m not prone to PTSD?

Does it have something to do with the emotional brick wall I’ve spent 20 years building up?

Unless of course someone might think it has affected me and I just don’t see it.

When I was a teenager I always assumed I’d fight back if I were put in a compromising situation. It’s almost taught to girls that if you’re grabbed in a dark alley it’s ok- and encouraged- to fight like hell. But they don’t teach us anything about what to do when it’s your date, or boyfriend- someone you know. And who would even think to teach about what the right thing to do at an orgy would be?

Then there’s the fact that I get all hot and bothered thinking of being able to do a rape scene- having the opportunity to fight back tooth and nail (though I want to lose in the end, otherwise where’s the fun?). Am I supposed to wonder whether it has to do with reclaiming power from the times I didn’t say no more clearly? I don’t, but it sometimes seems like I should.

I don’t even remember the name of that guy from 3 years ago. I didn’t even remember the night until today. And you know, that’s fine by me. Because I’d rather remember that hot sex I had last week, or the week before, or the week before, for the week before that.

I don’t have a code or anything, I couldn’t find a place to get one, but a lot of bloggers are writing for RAINN this month- with April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So please donate if you can, because so many more women out there need the help of caring individuals to overcome sexual assault. Visit rainn.org for details.

Tags: coersion, oral sex, RAINN, rape, rape fantasy, sex, sex blog, sexual assault