Designing Intimacy

I’ve kept this issue to myself the past couple months as I didn’t really want to cause unnecessary drama or feed the gossip mongers or haters.

Maybe I should start with the back story?

Most people know that sometimes I get jealous in my relationship with Jefferson. It’s a normal human emotion, no biggie. Some people know most of this jealousy is directed towards one woman in particular- and it’s been there since almost day 1 since I started seeing him.

It’s for the most part been a quiet jealousy. I’ve occasionally acted out because of it, but it’s something I’ve definitely come to terms with and has gotten even quieter in more recent months. (Not that I don’t still love to bitch about her to anyone that will listen…)

But lately I’ve been getting more and more jealous of someone else. (Who these people are isn’t really important). And it’s really been putting an incredible strain on mine and Jefferson’s relationship. There were a few times these last 3 months where I really didn’t think we were going to make it.

I still have no idea what’s going to happen to us.

Something’s changed between us. And something else needs to change, because I can’t go on the way we are right now. Our relationship is disintegrating before my eyes and I just feel powerless to stop it.

That’s where this new therapist comes in. To give some fresh eyes on the situation.

It’s not just about the jealousy too though. I mean, that’s a big part of it- it’s changing the way we’re talking to each other (and not a good change obviously), and it’s changing the trust between us. Though of course I shouldn’t speak for Jefferson, but I would imagine he doesn’t have the most confidence I can keep my jealousy to myself (read: not act out). And I don’t trust he won’t attack me even when I calmly express my emotions (which I am capable of).

And that’s what happened last week. Ugh, but see, I’ve grown a little and I’m hesitant to put this on the internet now.

Well, let’s come back to it. Maybe the exact details don’t really matter.

But long story short, Thursday morning we were put in crisis mode. It felt like we were over. Like a line had been crossed and I wouldn’t be able to get over it. I felt attacked and even the mere thought of Jefferson repulsed me.

And that’s how I started my weekend at Winter Fire (thank God though he didn’t go). And the only thing I was concerned with was going to the Jealousy in Poly Relationships class. Because I know that with my jealousy this intense, it’s going to destroy our relationship very, very quickly. It’s close to destroying me.

Because, duh, I hate being jealous. I hate feeling this way. It eats away at me inside. It makes me moody and snippy and sad. I cry; I get nauseous. It’s really no picnic.

Anita Wagner, who taught the class, says it’s not about getting rid of jealousy all together, but more about managing it, and resolving issues causing it.

And after telling a bit of my story, she also thinks that there are larger issues between us.

Oh man that was such a hard class for me to sit through. The tears started trickling about as soon as I sat down. Though the real water works started when I talked about what was going on.

I don’t even remember half of it- it all happened so quickly and I was crying and I was just trying my best to take it all in.

I made some nice realizations though. One was that it’s even clearer that what Jefferson does isn’t real poly. He’s just a slut. Not taking into consideration anyone’s feelings.   And it’s nice to know that one day when I get into more serious relationships and want to do poly, I get to have more say in my relationship.

It was also reiterated what the best step is to help move past my jealousy- it’s also a really hard step for me right now that I don’t think I’m ready for. It’s…oh God…to become friendly with these women. Gah. I know.

Because I have no real contact with them it’s just been very easy for me to demonize them. I’ve invested so much into hating them- it’s going to take a bit of work to undo that. Even to the point of just striking up a correspondence (having lunch, as some suggested, is just not in the near future).

Of course all of this is happening at a really crappy time for Jefferson- with the move and everything happening at warped speed. And I’m of course concerned and more than sympathetic with what’s going on. But my feelings are happening too. And I need Jefferson to accept that and be more tolerant.

I know that our relationship is finite- it’s meant to end. But it doesn’t have to end now, and I really don’t want it to end on bad terms, at any point in time.

But if Jefferson and I can’t change the way we communicate with each other and find a way to reconnect, then I really can’t see myself staying. There’s really no point. I have no room for bad relationships in my life.

There’s probably more I could cover, but I’ll have plenty to write about tomorrow after my 1st session.

So until then…