Designing Intimacy

First off, in response to how I’m titling this- what a fucking asshole.

I’m debating whether or not to tell the whole story behind that- I don’t want to be dramatic. But let’s just say there are some real insensitive fucks out there.

Before I go off on a rant about how awful the past 4 days have been, I’m going to start with the positives.

I got to go down to DC Thursday night and spend the night with Desire.

My (relatively) new friend Tilda helped me out in a jam and let me stay in her room when I lost mine (though I felt bad she didn’t get the space I knew she wanted). And Match helped calm me down and see my options.

Jocasta tied me up and Zelda flogged me.

Desire and I had an awesome candy scene in the dungeon.

Match had a kick ass orgy in his room.

And I went to some cool classes.

So even though I’m going to trash the weekend and label it essentially a failure, I’m not discounting the good stuff at all.

First rant: apparently pink eye is the new plague.

I realize it’s generally considered pretty contagious- and it’s kind of ewy and gooey, but Christ- it’s just pink eye. You take some eye drops and it’s gone in 3 or 4 days. And gee, if you don’t touch your eye and make sure you wash your hands constantly it’s fairly unlikely you’ll spread it to other people.

Ok, so the story goes I was supposed to room with this woman I didn’t know, but somehow (and I know how) she heard (as did half the fucking attendees) I woke up with pink eye and had someone (she couldn’t have this discussion with me for some reason) call me and tell me she didn’t want to room with me anymore because I had pink eye.

I wasn’t aware we’d be sharing eye liner (we certainly weren’t going to be sharing spit). I thought we’d just be sharing a room (where’d I’d have my own bed).

(And mind you I actually only ended up forcing myself to DC because I thought I had a commitment to my roommate to share the room. Silly me being considerate.)

Of course I heard this at 2pm on Friday afternoon just as I was parking my car and heading over to register. So I freaked. They were offering me the room (she would go somewhere else) but I didn’t know how I’d be able to find someone to split the cost of the room with me on such short notice and I didn’t think I could really afford it on my own.

So I went to registration and just after I walked in, Match followed, and thank God. I ran over to hug him and as he was asking how I was I burst into tears about my room (mind you I had already spent Thursday morning crying over the nasty exchange I’d had, which I will get to a some point). He helped calm me down a bit and then after we checked in, we went to his room and he helped me see my options and make a decision.

I realized that I could afford 2 nights at the hotel on my own, it was only an extra $60 or so. Once I came to that conclusion I called the people back to let them know I would take the room on my own. It went to voice mail though. But no biggie. I just told them to call me when they arrived so we could put the room on my credit card.

So while I was waiting for them, I went to Rita Seagrave’s Domination for Non-alphas. Let me just plug that for a moment- very fun class. And if you’re not familiar with Rita, let me just gush about how freaking hot she is. I already have a thing for red headed girls. But the whole class I couldn’t stop staring at her ass, lol. And when she’d sit on the table her skirt would ride up a little bit and the tops of her stocking would show. *Groan* Plus I just really like her presence. She’d come near by to hear someone’s question and it was just a nice vibe having her in the vicinity. So yeah.

Ok then, back to the rant. At the tail end of class, the people called me, but I let it go to voice mail since there were only 5 more minutes left.

When I heard the message in a few minutes I learned that they had given my room away because they thought I hadn’t gotten back to them. I dropped the phone and started crying again. Because here I was in DC without a room.

Jocasta took over for me and found Tilda and asked if I could room with her since she was by herself and thankfully she said yes.

Meanwhile I listened to the end of the message.

What a fucking fuck tard. I don’t even know who the person was, but what a serious asshole. Apparently having a place to stay just “wasn’t in the cards” and that being contagious wasn’t fair to everyone else.

All this just after telling me I no longer had a place to stay.

Man they were fucking lucky I’m actually a very non-confrontational person. As much as I bitch and moan here, the meanest thing I’ll do to someone in person is just give them the evil eye. And you best believe I gave that woman the evil eye every time I saw her.

After that whole ordeal I headed straight to the bar and sucked down 2 gin and tonics. I don’t usually turning to substances to relieve problems, but it was really the only way to save the night. Alcohol makes me happy. I mean that it makes me giggly and silly, so yeah, it helped. It was also fun sitting with Lynsey and Tilda and make up a funny story about this sullen looking family sitting in the lobby.

We surmised the daughter found the father’s porn (gay porn actually) and the mother just found out.

Thankfully the rest of Friday went well. A good time was had by all in the dungeon and it was a fairly early night, heading to bed at 1.

Saturday was good during the day.  Went to some classes which I think I’ll talk about briefly.  I enjoyed another one of Sarah Sloane’s classes.  I went to a class on humiliation at summer camp and this time I went to her Driven to Tears: Playing on the Edge class.  It was a lot to do with like cathartic play or ordeal path.  Damn if I didn’t start jonesing for a cathartic play scene.  Still am.  And I will probably ask for one soon, but I think first I need to do some processing on my own.

After that I went to Barbara Carellas’s Erotic Breathwork class which I had really been looking forward to because I had wanted to go when she did it a CV in the fall, but I ended up being late and couldn’t go because of certain things going wrong.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a good weekend for me- I was just too blocked.  So it didn’t have an effect on me, but I’ll file away what I learned and hopefully can put it to use in the future.

After we had a nice lunch with Me, Jocasta, Desire, and Prince (a super great guy I met at camp) and a fun sitz bath social too back at my room (long story I’ll tell if I’m told it’s ok).   I also got to buzz Desire’s hair into a mohawk- which looks super cute and she decided it’s subtle enough she can probably get away with it at work so she’ll keep it!

I missed the petting zoo because I went to the last class of the day, Dossie Easton’s Bottomless Pits: Topping serious pain sluts.  What a great class.  I’d never heard Dossie speak before, but wow, what a great presenter.  I’m definitely going to make a point to attend more of her classes in the future.  Poor Jocasta was exhausted and fell asleep a bit (even snoring a little, lol).

I started jonesing again this time for a heavy intense scene.  I consider myself somewhat of a bottomless pit (though some days there is a bottom), but I’ve never really had the opportunity to really test my endurance.  Dossie mentioned a relay scene (meaning there were a few tops there) that lasted for over 7 hours!  7 hours of being beat up.  That’s for sure the forever place she mentions.  Someday I’ll have to plan a huge block of time where I can try going there (maybe not 7 hours, but a couple hours at least).

Then demoed on Barbara caning her and spanking her.  Turns out I’m not the only one who laughs when they’re getting hit!  It was a really fun scene to watch though.  But man if I didn’t want a serious beating myself.

I was exhausted at that point and retreated to my room to try and nap so I could function better that evening.  I sort of slept- for a few minutes.   But I ended up getting hysterical again.  Exhaustion pushes me over the edge very easily.

Here I’m going to get very raw and very honest- the one thing people constantly praise my blog for.

I was in an intense amount of emotional agony.  The distress from Thursday and Friday just bubbled up and I couldn’t push it aside.  I started crying and as I started to cry harder I told myself that it was ok to cry and that I should just let it out and then I would feel better.  Except I wasn’t really feeing better.  I just kept crying.  And I was getting more and more anxious.  I couldn’t sit still and started to walk around the room, needing to do something with myself.

I wanted to cut.  I wanted to see my blood- I knew that would help calm and sedate me.  But I didn’t have any razors and I’m very particular about how I cut.  Plus, I mean, I didn’t really want to resort to that in the middle of Winter Fire.

So I grabbed for the next best thing- my left over Percocets.  I broke it in half (after a classmate mentioned this) so it would hit me faster.  And I swallowed my tears and let myself be numb.

Being numb isn’t good, but sometimes you need to do it for a little bit to just function.

At this point most people were at the banquet and a bunch of the sex bloggers that didn’t go to the banquet went out for Chinese, but I knew Match wasn’t at either so I texted him to see what he was up to.  He was about to grab a bite with 2 of his female friends and invited me.  Finally calmed down, I dressed and went to be social.

I’d go nuts if I stayed in that room any longer.

We just grabbed a bite at the hotel restaurant, but it was fun.  I like the 2 girls so it’s good.  The one also brought a cute little submissive boy who was actually kinda cool.  One of the coolest 19 year old boys I’ve been around in a long time.

Desire met me in Match’s room after she got out of the banquet and we grabbed our candy to do our scene.

We found a nice open space in the dungeon and I laid down one of those mess pads so we didn’t get candy all in the rug.  We went all out for this.  We’d thought of everything.  We had a candy necklace to bind Desire’s hands.  A big pacifier as a sort of gag.  Big round lollipops to spank with.  A long slender swizzle lollipop to fuck with.  A huge jawbreaker to kinda punch with.  We had a lot of fun and even got pictures taken by Hypnox, the event photographer.  It was definitely awesome pouring pixi stix powder on her and licking it off.

I wasn’t the only one who thought that too.  Prince was near by watching with a new friend of his, Christian- a totally hot FTM guy, and I had invited them to eat some sugar off her, but they did it gangster style sucking it up through a rolled up bill.

And then Christian asked if Desire would mind if he did a line off her back.  She didn’t so after showering off, we met him and Prince back at Christian’s room.  We crowded into the bathroom because roommates were around.  Desire took her shirt off and leaned over as Christian started to pour a line.  He asked me if I wanted.

And I debated whether or not to tell this story, but I am, so here it goes.

Yeah, I did want.  I’d never done it before, but I wanted to try it.  So he cut me a little line and showed me what to do and I did my thing and was kinda surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.  I did one more line a little bit later before we all went up to Match’s orgy and I was happy that I was now more awake.

My thoughts on the drug?  It was good.  It wasn’t so amazing that I feel a need to rush out and start doing it on my own, but I’ll probably do it the next time it’s around (which probably won’t be for another 2 years because that was the last time I was around it).

Match’s orgy was of course awesome.  There were so many people and there was so much fucking and action.  Match and I fooled around a bit when I first got there which was nice.  And I got to kiss a bit with this girl Flouer that was staying with him.  Squee.

The hottest thing though was watching Prince and Christian go at it.  It was so mother fucking hot.  They were all over each other and then Christian got his strap-on and was fucking Prince and it so awesome.  Prince was spewing out Spanish and shit.

I started really fading at 4am though (so early, I know!) and had to get to bed.  Though I lost my key and had to get let back into my room (as I was traipsing through the lobby in my lingerie- whoops).

Sunday morning I was ready to go home.  I just woke up and was ready to go.  But I had 1 more class that I had to attend.  The Jealousy in Poly Relationships class.  But it wasn’t until the last one of the day unfortunately.

First I went to a Kinky Barbershop class which was really fun.  (Anyone willing to let me learn how to use a straight razor on them??  Lol.)

And then it was finally time for the class.  In hindsight, I don’t know why I didn’t bring tissues with me.

I think I’ll write about what happened in the class in a separate post because that’s just a whole ‘nother issue.  But I will say it was really great to be able to share my story with other poly people who can understand what’s happening and not judge my relationship choices.

After the class I packed my stuff up and headed home.

Now I’m exhausted because even though I purposefully skipped my 8:30 class I was still woken up by my roommate at 8am (who by the way is still laying in bed with her boyfriend).  This roommate situation is really getting to me.

So there was my weekend.

It wasn’t the magical time I had at camp- not by a long shot.

But thank God for my friends.  I don’t know what I would have done without you guys.  I love you!