Laughing with the Sinners
Ok, I was going to post a video of Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” but I couldn’t find a video I really liked.
Oh well.
Sometimes my own emotions and reactions surprise me. Which really shouldn’t surprise me. It’s probably a good thing my Xacto knife is covered in plaster. And that I’m too lazy to dig for anything else suitable.
I’ve been fighting on and off (mostly on) with Jefferson for the past like 3 weeks I guess now. Which is so unlike us. I’ve been picking fights. Practically about the same thing.
I don’t even know anything anymore. And all this fighting is quite draining.
But I probably won’t be satisfied until I’m push him completely away.
And then who’s next after that?
Some days I wish I could push everyone away. Be rid of the relationships and friendships I feel like I’ve invested so much of myself into these past bunch of months. Sometimes I just feel suffocated.
And so vulnerable.
He was supposed to be my best friend. The one person I trusted would never hurt me or leave me.
Except for nearly our entire relationship I’ve tried all I can to make him walk away.
And how many times have I been hurt?
Maybe I’ve been fooling myself these past 6 months. Maybe I’m just not the people person I’ve been trying to be.
Last week was jam packed with socializing but I think I’ll be staying couped up these next couple of weeks. Feels safer.
Soap and water would clean plaster off, right? (Edit: Yep, comes right off. Note to self: don’t wear cream colored robe when blood’s involved.)
I only wish I knew how to calm and center myself without needing the comfort of someone else. Because I’ve pushed them all away and I’m alone now.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the night sometimes?
Random musings, about me, depression | 
Avah | February 7, 2008
By desire, February 7, 2008 @ 11:08 am
i do that in february too. some years it’s worse than others.
stay strong babe, you know where i am if you need to talk.
By Avah, February 7, 2008 @ 6:48 pm
I love you!!