Blessing or Curse?
This is a post I’ve been contemplating for a little while, but it’s probably going to end up as a bit of rambling, so do try and bear with me.
Back in September when I was writing about camp, I gushed about how lucky I felt being able to really know my sexuality and fully embrace it at such a young age. And really, it’s quite true. I know there are people who anguish for years over repressed sexual urges or whatever, but with me, I just woke up and knew exactly what I wanted for myself and what was true for me.
I’ve known for quite some time I was extremely sexual. I’d been experimenting with different sensations in my body since I was a young girl. I was probably 8 or 9 when I discovered putting things in the butt can feel good. I was getting in trouble for internet porn by 10. And I was signed up on Adult Friend Finder at 17.
As soon as I graduated high school, at 18, I just instantly knew I was kinky. I don’t even remember how I discovered it. I just did enough internet browsing, came across “BDSM” and was hooked instantly. I just didn’t know at the time how much of an integral part of my sexuality it would become.
And I never questioned it. I still don’t. I never questioned whether it was right or wrong, or the why of it. It’s right for me and that’s all that matters. And the why? Whether it’s something about my biology or childhood experiences, does it really matter? No, not so much.
But sometimes…sometimes it feels like a burden. That because of my proclivities, my selection of men that I could potentially build a life with shrinks drastically. I can’t date normally. I can’t just meet a boy in class or a bar or even a vanilla dating site.
I’ve tried that. It hasn’t worked.
Even meeting Casi off of AFF didn’t manage to work out because our libidos were so mismatched. Our relationship disintegrated in 3 months because I wasn’t getting the sex I needed (more than once a month). And forget about getting him to be kinky!
As terrible as the relationship was though, I find myself missing it- 2 years later. I ache for that sense of comfort and stability. We wanted to be together and we had a routine. It was nice.
And I don’t know how to get something like that back.
Because I can’t give up the canes and the floggers and the rope. And camp! How could I give up camp?! And how do I give up Jefferson and Boymeat and Match and all the other guys whose company I’ve come to enjoy (to put it quite mildly). And then the girls!
“Good girls” give up their slutastic life to eventually settle down and grow up.
But I’ve never claimed to be a good girl. And I certainly have never claimed to want to grow up.
To me, BDSM is like eternal childhood. There’s a reason we call it “play.” Because it’s fun.
How do I have fun and at the same time find love and companionship? It’s proving to be quite difficult so far.
Of course it doesn’t help that I keep falling for the wrong men.
It’s frustrating. To say the least. I’m wary to let myself like someone. I don’t want to invest time and feelings only to be disappointed in the end.
As it is, there’s someone I’m starting to develop feelings for and I’m cursing myself because I don’t see it becoming anything. I can’t even imagine him liking me the same way. I’m not sure if that’s self-doubt or self-protection (perhaps a little of both?). All I know is I’m already failing at my New Year’s resolution to love with more abandon. It’s only February and I’m most concerned with keeping my heart more guarded than ever. Both from friends and lovers.
That’s more the me I’m used to. But it’s not who I want to be anymore.
Random musings, about me | 
Avah | February 4, 2008
By Joy, February 4, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
“Good girls” give up their slutastic life to eventually settle down and grow up.
Mm-hm. Count me out of the “Good girl” squad, then! I have *no* desire to give up my increasingly stutastic (great new adjective, btw) sex life.
Of course…I still “pass” as “Good” most of the time…if they only knew!
Joy’s last blog post..In Which Things Get Literotic
By Avah, February 4, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
Well, I say it rather tongue in cheek because that’s of course not actually what I believe, but it’s certainly what I used to have planned for myself- do crazy shit when I’m young (sew my wild oats I guess) and then eventually cool off to find great guy to settle down with and marry.
It just isn’t going to work like that anymore for me, and it makes me feel stuck about how I’m supposed to still get what I want in this whole new life I’ve created for myself.
I want to have my cake and eat it too, damn it!
By Wendy, February 5, 2008 @ 12:37 am
Hey hey hey, I coined sluttastic!
Wendy’s last blog post..The Follies of Youth
By Joy, February 5, 2008 @ 9:06 am
Ooops! Errr…great adjective, Wendy! (My apologies!)
Joy’s last blog post..In Which Things Get Literotic
By Wendy, February 5, 2008 @ 10:45 am
Lol, Its all good. I just like ragging on Avah.
The best part is though, I did coin it, but I can’t spell it. I think.
Wendy’s last blog post..The Follies of Youth
By Brian, February 25, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
“Why do I have to get married? I didn’t do anything wrong.” lol