Fucking Pissed
Well, I knew it couldn’t last forever- this happiness deal. No, I’m not that lucky.
But I was hoping for more time. 2 months just wasn’t enough.
This time last week, I felt good. I was happy. A pure, brain chemistry good happy.
I felt it coming this time. I could feel the shift- I walked around and things just felt…off. My thoughts were fuzzier, it became harder for me to concentrate when talking to people, my thoughts started turning negative; all that fun stuff.
Well, now here I am and I feel like crap- I want to crawl in a hole and cry for days and never deal with another person ever again.
And I fucking hate it. I’m fucking pissed that I have to deal with this and that I can’t just fix it. I can’t just wave a wand, take a pill, or snap my fingers to make it better. I wish I could just go back even just one week in time.
I don’t want to be so sensitive and emotional; so short-tempered; so negative. I don’t want to be defeated and consumed by this yet again. A person can only take so much. I need for this to stop.coming.back.
Really, right now, I’m sitting in the cafeteria trying not to cry.
Yes, I’m going to keep plowing through life as I’ve been living it the past couple months- busy and super social, but it just won’t change the fact how I feel inside. And I want to believe that if I at least continue the attitude of being angry with my depression and trying to somehow maintain some sort of resistance, I could achieve some sort of mind over matter trick and make it disappear.
Maybe if I visualize the production of seratonin and dopamine enough my body will just start making the right amount again. *Sigh*
It’s a nice fantasy.
Ok, I’m going to go be all hermit like now and go cry somewhere.
depression | 
Avah | October 23, 2007
By Anna, October 23, 2007 @ 4:45 pm
I don’t know if this is my place, but I completely understand. I’ve been spending my fair share of time crying this last week and wondering when I’ll get better too.
I don’t know if that helps at all, or if it’s something that you want to hear from me, but you know, you’re not the only one that feels like this.
By Jocasta, October 23, 2007 @ 9:39 pm
You’ll forget all about it this weekend, honey.
By Hot Lips Houlihan, October 24, 2007 @ 8:28 am
I believe you mentioned you tried psychotropics in the past, but as someone who has struggled with depression for years and after just finishing a semester of psychiatric nursing, I can only encourage you to seek treatment. Unfortunately, once depressed, you are predisposed to these episodes. Find a med that works for you, find a shrink that you like and get to the heart of the matter. Depression isn’t fun…and it’s very real… Take care of yourself.
Hot Lips Houlihan’s last blog post..Back to school
By Avah, October 24, 2007 @ 11:28 am
Yes I have tried psychotropics in the past- I tried for years. Just about every one imaginable. Every different combination. They simply do not work for me.
It’s not a therapy issue- it’s simply a chemical imbalance. (I have bipolar, by the way, not unipolar depression)
By Viviane, October 24, 2007 @ 12:30 pm
Mercury has been retrograde since the beginning of the month and doesn’t let up until Nov. 1st. It’s been fucking hell for me.
Also, weren’t you experiencing severe lows around the time of your cycle? Did you have a chance to talk to a psychopharmacologist about that?
Viviane’s last blog post..Boymeat’s Rio Grande Leather Keynote Speech
By Avah, October 24, 2007 @ 12:47 pm
Mercury in retrograde…it’s something I’ve heard before, but I’ll have to google it.
Damn, how’d you remember that?
*Girl Talk- Boy’s Cover your ears…*
Yes, I do often dip right before my period, and I’m due in a day or two, so I’m praying it’s just that and it’s not a long term thing.