So Much for Friends
This is what Noelle wrote about me the other day in her Xanga (I already didn’t post her comment which was a short and to the point version of it):
disgusted.
Personally I feel up until this point I have been pretty damn non-judgemental considering the circumstances. One of my friends has something seriously wrong with her, probably something psychological. Don’t ask because I won’t disclose any names. She has some weird sexual fetishes where she pretty much likes being beaten and raped, or so that’s how it seems. I read something the other day that basically made my stomach churn; it was absoulutely disgusting to think that any person with ANY kind of respect for themselves would put themselves through, and than voluntarily consider doing it again. And than that people are saying it’s ok and normal makes me think of how fucked up some people are; this isn’t something to be praised. This is dangerous; very dangerous. I don’t understand why some random person who reads something has more merit than a supposed good friend; the good friend has the best interest at heart, at least that’s how I see it.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not a saint. I’ve lied a lot in my life, not proud to say it, but I have. I’ve messed around with people I shouldn’t have; but compared to what I read, I’m a friggin angel.
That’s all I’m saying.
I knew she was judging me. Ever since Kyle. I knew since then it was probably bad she was reading this.
I don’t know what this means now. And I’m just trying to hold in the tears since the workmen are right outside my door laying down floor in the hall. I don’t know if this means were not friends anymore. I mean, I don’t want to be around her if she’s going to be judging me; and I know she probably doesn’t want to be around me right now.
Why should I be so surprised, I guess. I’m 21 years old and have yet to have a friendship that lasts more than 2 years.
I wish those guys weren’t here because I really, really, really want to cry.
This really, really, really sucks. I think I just lost my best friend.
By Link, July 26, 2007 @ 10:31 am
First I’d like to say its okay to cry, people can be … deceitful.
She does have one small point, and I emphasize one. It can be dangerous, but thats a judgment call on your part.
You should never be ashamed of who you are or what you like. And I am completely appauled that she would group this any where near mental disorders. She should be supportive, she can have her own opinions of you, and can even write them for the world to see, but she should talk with you first and not let you just stumble upon them.
Those in the lifestyle know that theres something special about it, so long as its with the right person etc etc.
This level isn’t within my scope of play, but I’m glad you’re able to write about it and express yourself; I look forward to more.
Take care, play safe, and ignore the negative judgments.
~Link
By Avah, July 26, 2007 @ 10:36 am
Ahh…and after some detective work, it seems she left that anonymous comment on the last entry too.
Maybe you shouldn’t comment from school, Noelle.
By Link, July 26, 2007 @ 10:41 am
Lol, way to go Avah.
By Noelle*, July 26, 2007 @ 10:52 am
I didn’t deny anything
By Avah, July 26, 2007 @ 10:55 am
You haven’t responded to my text yet- are we not friends now?
By Wendy, July 26, 2007 @ 11:26 am
Fetish and Kink are hard sometimes really hard for vanilla people to understand, especially kink thats really hardcore and pushing edgeplay. I’ve been lucky in my life that 99.9 percent of my friends are totally understanding and accepting of my sex life. (The.1% are males that don’t want to hear about me doing boys up the butt.)
When its not your thing, its hard to separate rape, abuse and degridation from play that, to someone outside the scene, looks just like that. Consent and enjoyment make a big difference, but again, when its not your fetish, its hard to see how you can get enjoyment out of this sort of play.
How can you explain to someone who’s never experienced, and has no desire to experience bdsm, how much you like, desire, and often *need* it?
My mainly vanilla friends understand how I can get off on pain, and submission, but they don’t understand the need part of it, that sometimes when I’m feeling a certain way, an intense session isn’t just fun, it isn’t just foreplay before sex, its cathartic. Sometimes I need to be beaten until I cry, then fucked, and then get my aftercare. That sometimes, however you do it, you need to be reduced to a shuddering cry.
I’m sure you know what I mean. I’m sure some, maybe most, of your readers know what I mean. But how can you explain that to a vanilla friend, who has no desire or interest in that?
Some people just can’t comprehend it, and won’t accept it, and there isn’t much you can do to make them.
If this is something you want and need in your life, and your desire to explore, thats your decision. As long as you feel comfortable with your decision, as long as you can back out when you need to, then go ahead.
The only thing I would find fault with, personally, is when he fucked you over your car after you guys finished. To me, the session was over, and that wasn’t fair game. But if you don’t have a problem with it, its all good.
(Though if he hurts you in a bad way, I’ll kick his ass. Seriously. You’d be surprised what a little italian girl can do when she’s mad.)
By karen, July 26, 2007 @ 11:56 am
It is sad really. But if you can’t respect and/or understand one another’s decisions, then it is better to move on. I beleive that a person should be proud of whatever they chose to do with their life. But at the same time, you have to deal with consequences of your choices….and sometimes that means losing people who love you.
I wish you both the best and I hope you can come to a mutual peace.
By Horatio, July 26, 2007 @ 12:00 pm
Maybe a face to face conversation with your friend is best.
Text, phone, instant message…
All garbage.
You need to look at each other eye to eye. Your friend may want to discuss her thoughts feelings as a friend in person.
For you both to be having a virtual catfight here is not productive for either you.
By IgnoreThoseKids, July 26, 2007 @ 12:45 pm
I don’t mean to get all oldster-imparting-wisdom-on-the-youngster here, but things you might want to ponder:
1. Is it reasonable to have all of your friends be exposed to all of your life, or it is ok to compartmentalized?
2. By listing out these details, were you testing her? What did you expect to happen? Is that different than what you wanted to happen?
3. What is more important to you, having a specific individual be your friend, or having yourself be 100% exposed to everyone?
Friendship is voluntary. There is no BFF.
By Noelle*, July 26, 2007 @ 12:51 pm
I like the way Horatio is thinking; although I wouldn’t even know how to start talking..
I’m concerned, that’s all
and no, I don’t want to stop being your friend
By Wendy, July 26, 2007 @ 5:03 pm
Now now IgnoreThoseKids - I think there are BFF’s. I have two BFF’s, who live cross country at the moment. One, I’ve known for over 15 years now, the other almost 10, no signs of stopping.
By Avah, July 26, 2007 @ 6:52 pm
Maybe you are concerned, but what you wrote is nothing but judgment.
And I wouldn’t know what to say either.
By Charles, July 26, 2007 @ 7:04 pm
What you wrote is so beyond my limits that I can’t even understand the ‘why’. It is still your choice and is what you want/need. I lost a friend because I decided I knew what was best for them — instead of supporting them. I regret it to this day (and this was 20+ years ago). Your friend should be concerned and should let you know so, but it should not endanger your friendship. Best wishes to both of you!
By Horatio, July 26, 2007 @ 8:57 pm
You both think you wont know what to say because behind a keyboard or cellphone is not reality.
If you are true friends in real life when you meet face to face the discussion will probably start slowly and then the momentum of the conversation will increase.
They great thing about face to face is no one needs to know what is said on a blog if you both choose not to share it.
The internet while a wonderous device, it tends to cause social retardation because we forget humans are social animals. Again do a face to face at a coffee shop and go for a walk and by the end of the talk I am willing to bet as ari from entourage says… you will be hugging it out.
Good Luck!
By A, July 26, 2007 @ 10:43 pm
Good evening,
Coming from the perspective of some random guy online who read something, let me just say this: sex is unequivocally dangerous. Bruises and welts heal, herpes, well that stays with you. So, on a consequence level, sex filled with BDSM is not inherently more dangerous than “normal” sex.
Sounds like you have a good friend that cares about you, you are lucky.
A.