Snap
I snapped this week (duh). Not just here, but on Jefferson too. I wasn’t expecting it, and I don’t entirely know where it came from.
I knew I was getting more and more jealous and more and more insecure. But I guess I never realized how bad it was getting.
Every time Jefferson had one of his out of town floozies fly in for the weekend, I’d be sick to my stomach the whole time. I broke-up with him in January after finding out about Anna’s visit. I’d be in near tears whenever Madeline was around. And I could just physically feel my heart ripping whenever pictures would show up on the internet.
Really, who wants to live like that?
Saturday night, after the orgy when Jefferson left with Madeline and Lolita, I’d was already contemplating “downgrading” our relationship. I realize now how naive it was to call Jefferson my boyfriend, and my thinking was that night, that if I no longer saw him as a “boyfriend” then maybe I wouldn’t get so jealous. I don’t care what some casual lover does, so if that’s what I was with Jefferson, maybe I’d be less miserable.
I decided to let myself sleep on it before making any decisions. When I woke up Sunday, it didn’t seem like such a big deal.
Maybe it was though. Maybe it’s why I snapped so suddenly on Tuesday. I mean, I was exhausted from waking up early for work, then trekking into the city, and I was pissed to find on my arrival 2 naked girls (I was only expecting 1) and within the 1st 5 minutes to find out one of them is also spending the night. I don’t like those things being sprung on me.
And then more and more girls showed up. Girls that Jefferson fucks. And that would be the point where I blogged my new hypothesis (is a proven hypothesis a fact?). I could’ve dealt with it probably. I would’ve just distracted myself with my friends or some cute guy and made it through the night while deciding it would probably be my last orgy at Jefferson’s.
But no. People gotta go say stuff they really don’t have any business saying. Lolita decides to come up to me and express how she doesn’t think it was nice that I wrote how I hate Madeline. Dude, what-ever. First of all I don’t care that you’re all buddy-buddy with Miss Priss and feel a need to stick up for her. Second of all, I clarified that it wasn’t rational and I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.
You know, I tried breaking the ice and being nice back last April with her and Ms. Stick-up-her-ass, but was turned down. So why should I be nice to people who just reject it?
Lolita then added she thought it was better to say it to my face instead of behind my back, which, translation is: “Everyone’s talking about it behind your back, but I’m a bigger person and letting you know we’re all talking about you behind your back.”
Uh, yeah.
That was all the push I needed to justify blowing $20 on getting into the city for nothing. I found Jefferson to tell him I was leaving. I was still kind of pissed at him so I turned my head when he went to kiss me goodbye.
And I didn’t want them to see me cry so I fought back the tears as I left. I managed to hold them back all the way into New Jersey when I was finally in the privacy of my car.
I didn’t know I was going to dump Jefferson when I was leaving that night. It just kind of developed on the walk to the subway and on the subway ride.
I typed a nasty, scathing e-mail to him, dumping him, on my phone as I sat waiting for my train. And it felt good. I just got so sick of being so nice and sweet to him when I was so often hurt and angry.
After a exhausting cry in my car (snot dripping, body shaking, dry heaving cause you’re sobbing so hard kind) and then crying myself to sleep that night, I felt better about things the next day.
Leaving the party was the best decision I could have made (and I’m glad I did after I saw that picture of Jefferson in those ugly ass boots). And dumping Jefferson is the right decision to make.
I’ll admit now that I’m all calm now, I’m finding it harder to keep spitting venom at him. Especially as he stays all neutral with saying I should just wait this out and I’ll see things differently when the hurt goes away, so I shouldn’t make any rash decisions right now. Really, he’s almost not letting me make the rash decision.
And I’m telling ya, I doused that bridge and kerosene and lit it with a big ol’ torch, but he like freaking dumps buckets of water on it! (Too much metaphor?)
I want to burn the bridge. I don’t want to change my mind. Not a week from now, not 3 months from now. I would be loathe to find myself back in the roller coaster of emotions with Jefferson at any point in the future.
He’s ruined me anyways. Like I told him, I used to think I was this amazing and unique girl, totally unlike anyone else in the world, and that any guy would be lucky to have me. I mean, I love sports, I cook, I spoil, and I’m great in bed. Seriously, I’m a huge catch, right?
But with Jefferson all I would obsess about is why I’m not good enough for him to pay attention to. It’s like I was invisible unless I was right in front of him, or yelling at him to pay attention to me in e-mails. I just didn’t get it: was I not pretty? too fat? too needy? too jealous? because I don’t buy him groceries or take him to Paris or other vacations?
I’ve completely lost my sense of self-worth and individuality being with him.
How sucky.
Right now I’m finding that hating Jefferson (and actual hating) is a lot easier and a lot less painful that loving him. I can kinda sympathize with his ex, Lucy, now I think. Kinda.
I’d give it all back too. All the happy moments, the tender loving kisses, every sweet word, all the good feelings to give up the pain, and hurt, and anger, and jealousy. To get back all the time I spent with him, thinking about him, loving him.
Love isn’t supposed to go hand in hand with pain.
I can’t wait until I’m fully over this and can stop wasting time even hating him.
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Damn it, Kyle! He sent me this last night and I just watched it now:
By Jessica, June 15, 2007 @ 10:49 pm
Like Elle says; ” I am so much better… then before.” You’ve got it Avah, you don’t need that which makes you more upset then happy. Take your time to cry and scream and feel terrible. You are so wise to get out sonner then I did, and I trust that you will not make the same foolish mistake I did in throwing my hurt around to everyone. This is gonna suck. But after thats done…so much better. Take that first pay check and spoil yourself!
By educating erica, June 16, 2007 @ 1:55 am
Wow.
I’ve been caught up in this NYC sex blogger soap opera for quite some time now. I’m glad you are getting out somewhat intact:)
xoxo
By Anon, June 16, 2007 @ 9:15 am
Stop reading the blogs. It’s better for your emotional health.
By Avah, June 16, 2007 @ 10:39 am
I wish I could blow my 1st pay check. It’s only for 80-something dollars and it has to last me 2 weeks until my next, fuller one.
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Erica, a soap opera it is. Just without the crazy plot lines- oh wait, I guess some of it is kinda crazy, huh?
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I have stopped for the most part. Though some people are my friends (Lily and Wendy for example)
By Wendy, June 16, 2007 @ 4:15 pm
Yay! I get to be a friend! ^_^
Honestly. Its your blog. If you want to write about hating Madeline, you can write about hating Madeline. If you want to write about cake, your write about cake. Its not fair for anyone to impose limits on your freedom of expression, even unintentionally, by saying its not nice to write something. Writing isn’t suposed to be nice.
(That sort of thing is why I hesitated so long about blogging again. I spent years on LJ, and oh lordy, the drama.)
Those nasty scathing letters can be so fun and theraputic at the end of a relationship.I wrote and sent one to my highschool ex that made him cry like a little girl in front of all his friends. Damn, that felt good. I kept a copy of it for years.
I want to say I kind of know how you feel, but I def. don’t have the same kind of relationship with Jefferson that you did. I went in wary,never having done anything like this before and knowing there were lots and lots of other women involved, and knowing I don’t usually like to share. And while I feel a deep affection towards him, its not love. But even then, jealousy can rear its ugly head. I sought out one of my spirit guides, to talk this over, and really worked on dealing with it, but, even then, it still happens.