Remote Control
Last year I met this man off Craigslist after responding to an ad for a weekend of BDSM for $5000. (Astute long-time readers might remember my casually mentioning “Denzel”) We e-mailed extensively back and forth, trading photos (I was pleased to find a handsome black man on the other side of the ad), negotiated, and basically just got to know each other a little bit.
The ad originally said “no limits,” but we discussed things he had in mind, and nothing he listed was anything I was uncomfortable with. Everything we’d discussed, I evaluated and felt comfortable with. I was able to safeword out at any point and leave, but if it was before the end of our time, I wouldn’t get any of the money. But I was Ok with that (mostly because I didn’t anticipate my leaving anyways).
So after a week or so of e-mailing, Denzel and I met at Starbucks one evening when I was already in the city to make sure we were definitely compatible. We hung out for only a half hour or so, but found we got along very well. Both of us felt comfortable doing the weekend, and we parted that night to go home and check our calendars to pick a good date.
We found a good weekend and set times and he gave me a list of things to bring (not much, just a change of dressy clothes).
At the same time, Jefferson had asked if I wanted to get together that Saturday. I said I couldn’t, and because I was pretty excited about my weekend, I told Jefferson. I’d forwarded our exchange of e-mails and, to put it plainly, he freaked. (In all the time since then, I’ve never seen him react that intensely like that again to anything).
He didn’t like the terms at all and although he didn’t forbid me from going through with it, he asked me to back out, for him. And I did. Because I was only a little over a month into seeing Jefferson, and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship.
I made Jefferson write the e-mail for me to back out, because I didn’t know what to say. Because they weren’t my fears. Denzel was surprised to come home from a business trip and read my e-mail backing out. I was disappointed to find I was missing out on a nice dinner at Cafe des Artistes as well as a concert at Carnigie Hall. I was also disappointed I wouldn’t be getting that $5,000 that would pay off all my credit cards.
But I was into Jefferson and knew he was only looking out for me.
So I spent that Saturday night with Jefferson and we had our first sleep over.
What I most regretted was letting Jefferson’s fears override my own personal judgement, which I felt secure in.
So, later that summer, with my tail between my legs, I e-mailed Denzel apologizing for my sudden change of mind, explaining a friend expressed concern and asked me to back out. He said he’d figured that’s what happened and he’d be willing to give it another try. He suggested we get for dinner before doing a whole weekend.
I took the train in one nice evening and met him at his place. There, after some chatting, he told me he was interested in having a little fun over dinner. He pulled out a remote controlled vibrating egg. I blushed at the prospect of sitting through dinner with that buzzing inside me. He took the toy out of it’s packaging and put in the batteries, making sure it worked. I dropped my pants and he slipped it inside me. He clicked through the different modes, and satisfied it was working we went on our way to dinner.
We found a nice Italian restaurant in the area, and on the walk there, the fun began.
Denzel held the remote in his pocket, so I couldn’t know when he’d click it on or off, or change modes. I felt my cheeks flush red as he turned it on. It felt really good, but I was relieved it wasn’t going to be strong enough to make me cum.
I was distracted through most of dinner. I lost my train of thought many times, and found searching for words to be beyond difficult. Denzel only chuckled.
I don’t remember anymore what we talked about, but I know we had a good time.
After dinner we went back to his place. I unbuttoned my pants for him to remove the egg. But first he lightly fingered my folds and went for my clit, quickly getting me off.
Denzel commented on my speed of cumming. Well, I had a head start and all. After that we parted ways, on track to finally do that weekend.
But, unfortunately, I got an e-mail from Denzel soon after that that he met a woman around the same time we had our dinner and saw it getting serious, so he was no longer available for play.
Rats!
I still do get a little sick to my stomach knowing I missed out on that $5000 (which I could still use).
All Things Sex | 
Avah | June 21, 2007
By Jocasta, June 25, 2007 @ 12:59 am
How much experience do you have with serious BDSM? It would not be that hard to get someone to safeword in 2 days. You would have never seen that money.
I have seen people have thier heads shaved, their lips sewn together with sutures, candle wax scraped off with straight razors and brillo pads til the skin was red and raw. I know I could figure out how to break someone in hours. Also, the idea that you would be perfectly safe is insane.
By Avah, June 25, 2007 @ 9:17 am
It wasn’t about breaking me- the man wanted a weekend of basically kinky sex. I met the man. Why does everyone discount that? I met the man! Twice! I e-mailed extensively.
There are things where I’d be out in 3 seconds if that’s what someone really wanted.
But actually, just to put it out there, I did indeed see the money, physically. Or what was left of it after a month. And it’s pretty little $5000 bank paper.
And please don’t act like you know anything about me just from reading my blog or meeting me for a few minutes.
By Hannibal, June 25, 2007 @ 11:17 am
If he’s offering $5000, perhaps it’s because no one else will play with him, and there’s probably a good reason.
You say you’re so secure in your personal judgement, but look how wrong you were about Jefferson. It doesn’t take reading between the lines to see who he is.
By Avah, June 25, 2007 @ 4:27 pm
Bah- whatever. I met the guy. I’ll just keep saying it. And yeah, I trust my personal judgement.
And I totally resent that remark about Jefferson. Both as a reflection on me and him. I’m the only one who can say anything bad about him. And as mad or hurt I may be during the break-up, there was nothing I was wrong about with Jefferson.
By Wendy, June 26, 2007 @ 12:39 am
Darlin’, I don’t think anyone is anything but concerned about the idea of you in a no-holds barred weekend of kink with someone you’ve only met a few times.
Yes, you met him twice. But two meetings truely isn’t enough to determine someone’s character, especially in such an intense situation as a bdsm weekend. Now, who am I to give advice? I’ll be the first to admit that I am a slut. I will fuck on the first date. I will fuck strangers. But no one, *no one* ties me up or beats me until they have proven that they know what they are doing and that they are trustworthy. For me, that takes quite sometime. Jocasta’s been around the scene much longer, and I’m sure she’s seen things go bad, as has Jefferson. Hell, even Franklin and I had things get a bit messy, and we were together for well over a year.
No one is judging you, or presuming to know you. People are about you. They were concerned for you.
Your physical and mental well being are worth much more than $5000.
By Avah, June 26, 2007 @ 12:45 am
Some are concerned yes. Not Jocasta. Not whomever Hannibal is. You and Jefferson absolutely.
But I’ll just say it, if he were to e-mail me tonight and say he still wanted to do it, I’d do it in a heart beat. Fuck, I’d do it for free since I ain’t getting any anywhere else (and shit he’s good lookin.)
PS. I let Jefferson tie me up and cane me on the first date, yet no one questioned that…
(Sorry if I seem defensive, but I am. I’m totally backing my judgment of this man (which, of course is moot since it was last year…)
By Wendy, June 26, 2007 @ 1:07 am
Well, I questioned that to myself, when I first read about it. Even Jefferson had to wait months before I gave him permission to beat me. Because I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me. Lily knew him, and Daniel knew him, and I trusted their opinion and perception of him, but still.
And I understand your defensiveness. I’ve been in the same position, defending my choice of partners and actions. But looking back, years later, I can see that I did some really dumb things. Stuff that I kind of regret.(Like meet some guy from myspace and drive to the a closed and secluded stretch of beach i’d never been to before alone with no one knowing where I was going or who I was with. And Eryk. *Shudders* great in bed, but the reason I got my first AIDS test.)
Personally, I dont think it was a good idea. But its not my decision. You are a grown up, and ultimatly responsible for your own decisions. But I can still worry about those decisions. I like you. I don’t want to see you get hurt in the bad way, darlin’.