Designing Intimacy

Lost: Adventurous Sex Drive. If found, please return to owner. (Or alternatively, bad, bad orgy)

My libido, my sex drive…it’s gone.

Also gone with it? My ability to even cum.

And you know the last place someone without a sex drive wants to be is an orgy.

But that’s exactly where I was last night. Oh it was so rotten. I really would have had a better time hanging out with everybody without the whole sex thing. And it was my birthday orgy! You think I didn’t want to have crazy good sex with all my friends? Because I did. I wanted to want to have sex. But in reality, being at that orgy was the last place I wanted to be.

I eventually ended up leaving for a bit. I ducked out and got some air. Chilled over at Barnes and Noble. I texted with Noelle, spilling my anxiety about the night to her, debating whether or not I should just go home.

After an hour I headed back, thinking by then someone might be wondering where I was.

Jefferson was in the kitchen as I walked through the door quietly.

“Hey, I was looking for you! I looked through all the piles and couldn’t find you! Where’d you go?”
“Air.” I mumbled, hanging my coat back up.
“Are you ok?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t feel well.”
“Did you drink too much?”

Finally legal, I bought myself a little bottle of Svedka to enjoy, but only had 1 drink because I’m such a light weight and felt the effects of it pretty quickly.

I shook my head and started to walk away, but he grabbed me.

“What’s wrong?”
“I just miss you…”
“I’m right here, sweetie,” he said kissing my cheek.

Maybe so, but he had people to tend to, girls to fuck, and cocks to blow.

He couldn’t stay by my side and be with me, which is really all I wanted. Especially after hardly seeing him or talking to him the past few months.

Someone called to him and he left me, squeezing my hand.

I went to the bathroom and changed my shirt, settled on the fact that I was just not going to have sex that night.

Well, it was certainly my intention to not have sex that night.

I chatted with the naked people in the room, munching on carrots and dodging questions about my fully dressed state. But as the nakedness and sex migrated into the living room, I sought out a quiet space for recourse.

The back room was empty and I curled up on the twin bed, exhausted from waking up so early, and exhausted from my apprehension about the night.

A stray man entered the room, I think I shook his hand earlier that night, but other than that I didn’t know him. He seemed to know me only as “birthday girl.”

Now, I know this is a major flaw of mine. I’m very, very aware of it. But “No,” “I don’t want to,” “I’m not in the mood,” is really just not in my vocabulary. It happened with Benjamin this summer, and it’s even happened with Jefferson, and you’d think I’ve learned my lesson even a little bit.

No.

Not at all.

I still find it easier to just go along with their advances, perhaps put up a few feeble protests, but ultimately keep my mouth shut until it’s over.

But this boy, this boy I didn’t know, came over. Mind you I’m a fully clothed girl by myself at an orgy trying to catch a little rest, so I’m not exactly sure what it was that said I was interested in sex.

But anyways.

He came over to me, to entice the birthday girl. Though I insisted I was quite tired, before I knew it my clothes were off and he was all over me.

I tried sending ESP waves to Jefferson for him to come look for me, but last I left him he was busy blowing the cute new boy Lily brought.

Whispering dirty things to me he went down on me and roughly fingered my (dry) pussy before having me suck his cock. He was soon on top of me, thrusting against me, saying nasty things that someone who doesn’t know me shouldn’t be saying. I at least had the sense to remind him to put on a condom before entered me.

I kept my eyes closed, wishing Jefferson would walk in and get me out of there.

I tensed up as this stranger grabbed my hair and put his hand around my throat. Not so tight I couldn’t breathe, but enough that I pushed his hand away before it got to that point.

It wasn’t long (but long enough) before Jefferson came in. I grabbed him as soon as I saw him and he came to my side instantly. The stranger relented and backed off slightly. I squeezed Jefferson and kissed him.

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.

“Do you want to be doing this?”
I shook my head no.
“Come on, baby,” he said taking my hand.

I grabbed my shirt and followed him out to the hall.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to do something you don’t want to do.”
“I know,” I said meekly.
“And what if I didn’t think to come looking for you?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“If you need me, come get me.”
“But you were busy blowing that boy before.”
“You can still tap me on the shoulder.”
“I don’t want to be a party pooper,” I frowned.
“You’re not a party pooper, sweetie.”

He hugged me tightly and kissed me and we moved to the couch to cuddle for a bit.

The night wore on and it got further and further past my bedtime, but the party continued.

At one point I left Jefferson’s bedroom as he lay like a sultan surrounded by his harem and I decided to start cleaning up so we could stay in bed longer in the morning.

I gathered all the recycling and trash in the living room and kitchen. I was in the kitchen when he accosted me again, the stranger.

He had his pants in his hands like he was about to get dressed, but threw them down when he saw me.

I protested a little more heavily that I really had to clean up, but not without being roughly felt up and sucking his cock more. He even dared to suggest that I should go see him, that we had a connection. He kept asking, “You ok, baby?” as I shrugged him off.

Inching my way out of the kitchen, he finally started getting dressed.

I was so disgusted and so tired and just wanted to go to bed.

As people left, once Jefferson’s bed was empty, I climbed in and waited for him to come next.

My mind started processing the night’s events and a few tears fell down my cheeks.

Finally Jefferson came to bed and hugged me tight from behind. I squeezed his arm, glad he was finally there with me. I turned to face him, trying to get closer, but there’s just never a close enough with him.

I have more to say about the awfulness of my missing sex drive and such, but must be getting to sleep now (even though I slept all day).

All Things Sex, Random musings, depression | Avah | April 11, 2007

By Jefferson, April 12, 2007 @ 10:07 am

Sometimes an orgy is perfect for what ails you. Other times, it just ain’t.

You and I talk offline, so I won’t go into this here. But I would remind your readers that “no” means “no,” especially at orgies.

If you need help getting that message across, seek it. And if you have trouble understanding that message, get smart.
By ~L, April 12, 2007 @ 10:33 am

it’s perfectly natural to loose interest, you’ll find it again, and then you’ll be insatiable for a month :p
By MsBehavn, April 12, 2007 @ 3:12 pm

De-lurking just to say that I think it’s very uncool that this guy took advantage of you in this way TWICE, Avah!

Hope you’re feeling better soon!
By Celia, April 12, 2007 @ 5:10 pm

Ack! The nerve of that guy! Just because someone is at an orgy doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with YOU! Jerk.

I don’t think your libido is missing per se, maybe it’s just on a vacation… yeah, that’s it, vacation. It’ll be back soon.

In the mean time, I hope you manage to get rid of the icky feeling left over from icky guy.

Celia
By Callie, April 12, 2007 @ 11:21 pm

*HUGS*
By (va)G, April 13, 2007 @ 1:27 am

Sometimes, libido’s go away, and that sucks. Mine once died for nearly three months, and it sucked. It came back though, after a while.

And if thats the guy I think it was, in the kitchen when I walked through getting water, I am sorry for not saying anything. I was kind of squicked out by him as well, as was my buddy.